UK ‘best place to score coke’

The UK has topped a recent UN poll as the best place to score cocaine – comfortably surpassing its Dutch rivals by quite some distance.

The United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime said the UK is the outright leader throughout the whole of Europe when it comes to ‘charlie’ – with a dedicated fanbase of more than one million committed users.

But unfortunately, the rise in its popularity has meant that traffickers have been increasingly forced to bolster the drug with other agents such as dental and veterinary anaesthetics in order to satisfy the hefty demand.

Peter Ian, a drug trafficker covering the south of Wales said: “The cost of a kilogram of cocaine has increased by 50 per cent from £30,000 to £45,000 since 2007. The problem is that – due to the increasing risks of bringing cocaine from the Caribbean and the West African coast to the shores of Britain – the unit cost has inevitably had to rise and thus we’ve had to become a bit more creative in order to maintain our margins, which have taken quite a hit, so to speak. After such a large rise in wholesale cost, if you subtract the costs of petrol, labour, admin and overheads we’re only just breaking even on a retail price of £50 per gram – not exactly something you could pitch successfully on Dragon’s Den, is it?”

When asked about recent police seizures revealing substances being passed off as cocaine as only 5% pure, Mr. Ian insisted: “5% is not a level we would drop to in my area – we would normally try and ensure the consumer gets at least 20% cocaine at the end of the line, so to speak.”

The World Drug League Table for the 2008-09 season revealed that the popularity of cocaine in the UK has risen dramatically since the mid-90s, and has consolidated its position as the connoisseur’s drug of choice over the last two years.

The report states: “The UK thus continues to be – in absolute numbers – Europe’s best cocaine market, thanks to the tireless dedication and commitment of all personnel involved in its distribution.”

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