Glastonbury ‘best ever’ again

This year’s Glastonbury Festival has been confirmed as the best ever by scientists, who have carried out extensive testing throughout the weekend.

Peter Ian, who was leading the investigation, said yesterday: “There were loads of AMAZING bands playing and the atmosphere was incredible – better than the last time I went. The weather was fantastic, too. You couldn’t ask for any more, literally, it was the best EVER.”

Another scientist, Tony Mick, was able to back up this extraordinary claim: “As scientists we have an obligation to use facts as evidence of proof. The facts are that Bruce Springsteen played amazing – FACT, Blur were incredible – FACT, Dizzee Rascal was sick – FACT. As for Status Quo – the nation loves them, and that’s an undeniable FACT.”

Glastonbury supremo Michael Eavis agrees: “Springsteen performed probably the best show of his entire life. He’s a proper, old school rock performer. Good as gold, he is. You know, he only finished his set 10 minutes ago and he’s out there with a shovel and a bin bag helping them clear up 1650 tonnes of rubbish. What energy that chap has got at 58. Amazing.”

Scientists also managed to confirm that last night Blur transported fans back in time to the days before the recession – by playing the songs they had written over 10 years ago, when the economy was thriving. “Songs like There’s No Other Way, Song 2 and This Is A Low had a statistically significant effect by drawing in a massive crowd, the majority of whom we could prove had watched when Blur played Glastonbury 11 years ago. Whilst we were unable to find out from every audience member whether they had watched the band before, there was definitely an overriding feeling that most of them probably had – they seemed to all know the words, anyway.”, confirmed Peter Ian.

Eavis added: “I know I say this every year but this is the best one ever and it has now been scientifically proven beyond any doubt. I don’t think we can ever do it better than we did this year.”

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