Archive for July, 2009

Met Office admits: We lied

July 29, 2009

There have been calls to sack the Met Office following its fraudulent claim in April that the UK was “odds-on for a barbecue summer”.

Peter Ian, a spokesman for the Met Office, revealed: “We hoped it would be true and we thought that if we said it enough times then it would be bound to happen. Plus, none of us in the Met Office have ever seen three bad summers in a row, so we thought it was a safe bet. I mean, if you roll a die and lands on a six twice in a row, then the odds of it happening again are so minute as to be virtually impossible. We were certain another bad summer wasn’t even remotely possible and to have it happen once again is nothing short of a miracle.

“The chance of a predominantly poor British summer is around 20%, or 1 in 5. For it to happen twice in a row the odds shorten to 1 in 25. For it to happen three times in a row you’re looking at odds of 1 in 125. That’s less than a one percent chance. If we’re still going by this time next year I would pretty much stake my house on the fact that it’s going to be the best summer on record, as it would be 99.84% likely by that point.”

Tom Tobler, forecaster at the MeteoGroup, the weather division of the Press Association, said that accusations of lying were unfounded: “At no point did we willingly look to mislead the general public. We’re as disappointed as anyone, to be honest. I was hoping to take the old board down to Newquay on top of my people carrier next weekend, but the foul weather has well and truly put paid to that. I’m quite gutted, really, as I was hoping to have a bit of a paddle.”

Critics have said that the Met Office’s summer predictions were based on flawed statistical methodology, with tabloid columnist Martin Milner going as far as to declare their recent prediction as “nothing other than an outright lie, pure and simple.”

Milner, who usually writes about football, said yesterday: “Weather forecasters occupy a position of trust, and they have abused that trust, ruining the lives of ordinary, hardworking British people. Meteorology is a game where accuracy counts, a lot like football. In football, you can’t afford to get your facts wrong, otherwise the opposition get in and suddenly you’re two-nil down in the first ten minutes. The people that predict the weather have made a monumental howler. They’ve scored an own-goal of massive proportions and have ended up with egg on their faces.

“At the end of the day, results never lie – and the result of the Met Office’s prediction is that they have lied. Every year these scheming Judases sell the good, working class British holidaymaker down the river for a few scraps of silver and I, for one, am sick of it. It’s time the Met Office gravy train was derailed. Permanently.”

The heavy rain is set to continue throughout August.


July 28, 2009

Martin Milner – football expert

Over-reacts by 100%

I knew Steven Gerrard was innocent right from the start. He’s a good, upstanding British footballer who knows the difference between right and wrong. The case against him just didn’t stack up as far as I’m concerned. He wasn’t even there at the time of the supposed assault. Knowing Steven as I do he was probably busy doing charity work, something I know is close to his heart.

That so-called businessman was nothing more than a crook who was looking to make a quick buck out of one of Britain’s finest young footballers. People like him make me sick. He has placed unnecessary stress on a hardworking, down-to-earth Premier League footballer and should be punished for wasting police time.

I hope next time he’s out in Liverpool someone plants one on him. It’s nothing more than this scum deserves.

This filthy crook should be flogged in public.

Good on John Terry for showing commitment to Chelsea and refusing a big money move to Man City. He’s a good old fashioned workhorse and his decision to stay put is a fine example to young professionals about the true values of football. He knows full well not to bite the hand that feeds him, unlike that Judas scum Ronaldo.

Ronaldo is a disgrace to the game and an insult to the thousands of reds fans who paid good money to watch him play. He hated Manchester and he hated the fans and made no secret of it. His actions were disgusting and the sooner we rid the game of scum like him, the better. If I saw him in the street I wouldn’t spit on him. He is the opposite of Robin Hood, stealing from the pockets of the poor, working class people of Manchester and giving to the rich executives of Real Madrid.

Michael Owen is a more than adequate replacement for that waste of space. He’s a good British footballer who knows the value of money and is polite to his fans.

Not a diving Judas cheat like Ronaldo.

Who does Jose Mourinho think he is? He’s got a bloody nerve to assume he’s good enough to manage Man United. To manage a club like that requires commitment and dedication – two things that were missing when he quit Chelsea under a cloud two years ago. He’d do well to remember that his success with that club was down to one thing – money. Abramovich showered him with enough money to win everything in sight, but despite this, he wasn’t up to the task.

He doesn’t have the gumption to replace Sir Alex Ferguson. Ferguson is a good British football manager who knows what football is really about. Football is about pride, passion and belief, which Fergie and his team have in bucketloads. He is a true football manager with a great football brain and football in his heart. He knows the standards required in top flight professional football and has been a proud servant to the game for many years.

Scum like Mourinho would do well to remember this.

Pirates’ budget slashed with a rusty cutlass

July 27, 2009

‘Pirates of the Caribbean 4’ is set to suffer a series of significant financial cutbacks, which producers insist will not diminish its quality in comparison to its big budget predecessors.

Disney’s head of production Oren Aviv has revealed the extent of the budget reduction: “We’ve decided this time around to do away with the bombast of the first three movies and to concentrate on character development. We’ll be using just two fixed cameras for the entire film and it’ll be shot predominantly on Hi-8 in order to make it feel more intimate and authentic. We will have a core group of relatively unknown actors who will be playing relatives of the central characters from the first three films. There won’t be any need for peripheral characters this time around, as we’ll be focusing on the emotional interaction of the main stars of the movie.”

The recession has affected industry worldwide, and Hollywood is no exception. It is thought that the movie industry barely broke even during 2008 and is currently about $5m in the red so far this year. Production companies are desperate to combat spiralling expenses by cutting down on unnecessary studio and location costs, and Pirates 4 has been forced to shift its focus in order to make a viable financial return.

Mr. Aviv added: “Most of the action will be confined to either the beach – which is actually going to be recreated in a studio to save on location costs – or Captain Jack’s cousin’s quarters – which is essentially a small wooden room with a crate in the corner.”

Although Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are not expected to reprise their roles for the new film, Mr. Aviv has assured that this is not a typical Hollywood trick of cashing in on the name of a well-loved film series, whilst essentially making a completely different film with a barely tenable link to the original: “We are mindful of preserving the essence of what makes the Pirates Of The Caribbean series such a successful and much-loved franchise. Whilst this film won’t feature exotic locations, large-scale onboard mutinies, explosions, Johnny Depp or Keira Knightley, we’re sure that fans of the previous films will appreciate the subtleties of Pirates 4 and grow to love the new characters just as much.”

The new movie will be set ten years later than its predecessors, and revolves around the unexplained chance meeting of its two new central characters – Captain Jack’s cousin Captain Tim Pigeon-Jones and Elizabeth Swann’s cousin Sandra Sherbourne – who initially argue over each others’ recollections, but eventually fall in love whilst recounting the previous adventures of their respective cousins. This technique will allow the makers of the new film to use retrospective clips during each story, thereby creating a unique warmth while renewing the audience’s affection for the characters of the previous films through this new storytelling angle.

“We hope to add a new dimension to the characters in the previous films through the third party recollections of hitherto unrevealed characters who have been specifically created for this particular episode of the series.” said Mr. Aviv yesterday. “And fans of the previous films in the series will be able to enjoy the action from those films in an entirely new way, whilst enjoying the romance blossom between the two new leading characters.”

The film is due to be shot early next year and is tipped to star Ian MacShane of Lovejoy and Deadwood fame, alongside lesser known American actress Allison Munn.

Peter Andre’s new album better than ever – Peter Andre

July 24, 2009

Singer Peter Andre has hit back at claims that his new album destroyed his marriage by insisting that it’s now better than ever.

The quality of the yet-to-be-released, untitled album has grown in inverse proportion to the regard in which he is held, both by the public and his estranged wife. At one point relations between the two were so hostile that its’ standard briefly eclipsed that of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon, though it is now thought to be settled around the level of Sargent Pepper and Brothers In Arms.

“The quality of the new album is up there with the likes of Rumours by Fleetwood Mac – it’s a great pop album. In fact I’d go as far as to say that it’s gonna be the album that Millenium by the Backstreet Boys should have been,” said Peter Andre yesterday. “And reports suggesting otherwise are totally hurtful and false.”, he added.

The Insania singer’s response comes just days after his estranged wife’s appearance on breakfast show GMTV, where she claimed that the album was “nothing special” and “not up to the standard of his previous work”. She also went on to criticize “the use of slick, American producers to cover up the lack of good songwriting”, though the singer defended the use of expensive US production, saying: “She was the one saying how great it was last year and that the quality of the songs merited the high production costs. In fact last September, when I’d finished three of the tracks she told me they were as good as anything on Thriller, if not better.

“Basically, I’m like a thinking-man’s Ne-Yo. That’s the market I’m looking for – people who like great, mature pop music. In fact, the way things are at the moment, I don’t think this album can get any better.”, he concluded.

July 23, 2009

Your Letters

We love receiving your letters on current issues – then rewriting them in order to make them sound reactionary and vitriolic.

So, the government plans to spend £1.1bn of public money on the electrification of Britain’s railways? Maybe they should think about making them run on time first!

Peter, Lincs.

It’s about time OfWat stopped water companies from being so greedy. It’s a wonder they don’t get swine flu with their snouts so far in the trough!


Steven Gerrard makes me sick to the anus. Just because he’s a well-paid Premier League footballer he thinks it gives him the right to do whatever he wants. To call this man a human being is insulting to the human race. He is scum, pure and simple. They should lock him up and throw away the key.

Gary, Manchester.

Gordon Brown is nothing but a liar when he says there are enough helicopters in Afghanistan. What rubbish. He doesn’t have the first idea about the requirements of British troops. Maybe a spell on the front line will shake him into action, or at least kill the bastard.

Marie, Hants.

Chris Brown doesn’t fool me for a second. He may have apologized publicly about what he did to Rihanna, but he’s going to have to do a lot more than that if he’s to earn forgiveness from the readership of this newspaper. He should be given a damn good kicking in my opinion.

Nigel, Isle Of Man.

Amy Winehouse disgusts me, assaulting an innocent member of the public at a charity ball. Who does this tramp think she is? And what sort of example does this set to her legions of young fans? They should bring back the rope.

Tina, N.Yorks.

I for one hope that New Labour take a pasting in the upcoming Norwich by-election. Their smug complacency in the face of the expenses scandal is nothing short of sickening. I can’t stand the sight of Brown and his cronies any longer and I hope that next year’s general election heralds the dawn of a new Conservative government with Cameron at the helm. At least he’s an honest, articulate politician, unlike the lying filth in the Labour party.

Alf, Thetford.

So, apparently Bin Laden’s son has reportedly been killed. I hope that piece of scum suffered every second. Let him rot in hell!

Davey, W.London.

Your txt msgs

By using no vowels you can disguise your prejudices enough for us not to notice…

i tink swn flu is bllx – get bck 2 wrk u skivin cnts, woop woop! tim x

gerrard inncnt shd be made a hero in my bk! tht prck woz askin fr it! mad andy

jude lw wmn hittin pnce shd go 10 rnds wiv me id knk him dwn in 5 secs!!!!! emma

ndeavor astrnts cudnt park a fckin car – get ths cnts outta spc n let me go up thr nsted!! iam de fckn bossman! adam

hp pig flu klls ldz of ppl spclly amercanz, hate da yanks!!! tadger

i dnt hev n e opionz – tony

camern iz a cck scker, he shd fck off da fckn greasy cnt!!! phil

Gerrard’s reaction ‘understandable’ – QC

July 22, 2009

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard’s violent reaction to being politely asked not to commandeer the CD player in a Liverpool bar was “understandable, and perfectly acceptable under Football Law”, a court heard on Tuesday.

“Football Law is slightly different to the law you and I have to follow”, said court spokesman Peter Ian today. “Football Law takes into account mitigating factors such as amount of earnings and the level of the club you play for – for instance, speeding and drink-driving are OK, so long as you play for a Premier League club. You might be able to get off if you play for a Championship side that has recently been relegated from the top flight, but it’s not so easy because the Football Court will take into account the drop in earnings once the case goes to trial.”

According to Mr. Ian, the Gerrard case should never have gone to trial under Football Law: “Football Law is very clear when it comes to violent assault on members of the public involving Premier League players. It states that any attack is ‘reasonable force’ as long as there is deemed to be provocation, however minor. In this case Steven Gerrard was quite clearly provoked because the victim refused to let him play his favourite R&B tracks on the bar’s CD player. Even if that is doubtful in terms of provocation, the fact that he then physically threatened Mr. Gerrard by withholding the CD player activation card is conclusive as far as I’m concerned.

“Steven then quite reasonably warned him off with a few upper cuts, just to protect himself more than anything. Football Law defines this as ‘self-defence’, so it’s hard to see why this has gone to trial. The worst that should happen to him is that he should have to pose for a few photos in a children’s hospital for an hour or so. The Football Court does hand out these kind of sentences from time to time – it’s the football equivalent to what you and I call community service.”

The trial continues today.

July 21, 2009

Your Money – with Peter Jones

TV’s famous Dragon whores out his name to badly-written Sky Magazine column every month

Hello. I’m Peter Jones from Dragon’s Den and this is my new monthly column in which I use my financial expertise to offer useful advice on the day-to-day money worries we all suffer from, apart from me. Here are my top 5 money-saving tips that someone else has written on my behalf this month:

1) Have you noticed your weekly shopping bill increasing recently? This is unfortunately down to groceries becoming more expensive. A good way to combat this is to buy less items than you would normally, thus saving valuable £££s.

2) With the rising cost of petrol, a good way to avoid paying more money is to use your car less. Try walking to places instead of driving – it’s a fun way for the whole family to get exercise and save money.

3) Don’t be afraid to ask for more overtime at work. It’s a good way to make extra money and it also shows the boss that you’re keen. Plus it gives you less opportunity to spend money.

4) Don’t spend a fortune on wine at the pub. Buy it from the supermarket and drink it at home. Another handy hint is to save money washing up wine glasses by drinking directly from the bottle.

5) A home-made birthday or anniversary card is a great way of sending a personalized greeting. It’s fun to do and a good way to save the pennies.

Towards the end of the column I normally run out of ideas. A good way my ghost writer finds of combatting this is to make up some twaddle about how the recession isn’t such a bad thing, especially if you’re rich like me.

My solution to the problem of recession is simple. Since the recession is down to banks no longer lending to one another, the best way to solve this is for the banks to start lending to each other again. So come on, banks, pull your fingers out and start lending money again.

I normally round off the column by pretending that I experience the same sort of domestic financial concerns as you, usually by virtue of a made-up story revolving around a slight money-related blip in my otherwise wonderful home life. Though everyone knows full well I can solve any problem by chucking cash at it, I still attempt to use the story to dispense a small nugget of financial wisdom designed to resonate in some way with the lives of ordinary people.

This month we’ve been redecorating the upstairs of our outhouse. On the whole it’s been great fun and everyone in our family has mucked in to help. The only problem we had was when my wife Tara and I couldn’t agree on a colour to paint the granite wall surrounding the open fireplace. In the end we solved our disagreement by not painting it at all and instead making a feature out of the wonderful original stonework, and thus saving considerable expenditure.

Well, that’s another column out the way for a month. Phew! Remember not to spend so much money and to keep putting aside the odd bit of small change – you’ll be surprised how it builds up over time.

Til next month…


July 20, 2009

Martin Milner – football expert

Over-reacts by 100%

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of David Beckham whining about the fans of LA Galaxy. They pay good money to watch him play and are entitled to boo him if they feel he’s not putting in 100%. If he wants to line his pockets with a spell at Milan, then fine. Good luck to him. But to have the cheek to turn round and complain when the fans at Galaxy make their feelings known is pretty rich, to be honest.

Galaxy’s fans are good, honest working-class people who deserve to see quality football played by committed professionals. Beckham’s attitude is an insult to those fans and an insult to the club who pay his wages. He’d do well to remember that without those fans he’d have nothing. He should be thankful they pay to see him at all after the way he has acted.

At the end of the day he is nothing but a filthy Judas, selling LA Galaxy down the river for his 40 pieces of silver. The money he has earned from his loan spell at Milan is dirty money as far as I’m concerned.

He should be made to give it to charity. Every last penny.

So Marouane Chamakh reckons he’s being touted by several Premiership clubs, eh? He’d do well to drop that attitude if he wants to succeed in the Premier League. There’s no room for prima donnas like him in English football. They might stand for that sort of thing in Bordeaux but if he wants to play here he’s going to have to knuckle down and keep his mouth shut.

At the end of the day football’s a team game. If you’re not playing for the team then you’re basically not a team player. Chamakh’s attitude makes me sick to the stomach and is an insult to honest football fans who pay good money to see their heroes every week.

Chamakh needs a serious reality check. If he thinks he’s better than the English Premiership then he’s living in cloud cuckoo land.

He should be made to play in his bare feet as punishment.

So Carlos Tevez thinks that Sir Alex Ferguson didn’t do enough to keep him at Man Utd? What an ungrateful scumbag. He should be glad of the opportunity to play for one of the world’s leading football clubs. I didn’t hear him complaining when he was filling his pockets at Old Trafford, yet now he has the cheek to turn round and say something like that. He’d do well to remember the fans who pay his wages.

Players like Tevez make me furious. They see the English Premier League as nothing more than a meal ticket. They don’t care about the honest football fans like you and me. At the end of the day all they care about is money, pure and simple.

What a dirty Judas. He should be made to play for Man City for half the money.

UFO sighting increase ‘exciting’ for scientists

July 20, 2009

The recent increase in the reported sightings of UFOs (Unidentified Flying Objects) has excited leading scientists at the Institute Of Ufology, providing them with a more robust and convincing body of proof of the existence of Extra Terrestrials.

A spokesman for the Institute, Dr. Peter Ian, said yesterday: “The fact that there have been more sightings of these phenomena must surely mean something. What it means to us is that there is now the very real possibility that we are not alone in this universe and that extra terrestrial beings now surely exist.

“If more people report seeing unusual objects in the sky, then there has to be a reason for this. And that reason is because the extra terrestrials are scaling up their level of communication with our planet. We already know that there are other forms of life in the universe because the universe is infinite and therefore no-one can definitively prove the non-existence of life on other planets somewhere in space. Knowing this, together with our knowledge of all witness accounts being genuine and testified, the only possible explanation of these sightings is that they are alien communication of some kind. It is now up to us to determine the nature of this communication.”

Dr. Ian, who completed his doctorate via a correspondence course run by the Institute, was recently interviewed on BBC local radio about one particular alien visitation he witnessed himself. Over a mildly patronising musical background of the X-Files theme tune, added afterwards in the edit suite, he recalled: “I was up late one night watching TV in the living room and suddenly there was a noise in the back lane behind the garden and some bright lights shot past. The noise then faded and the lights disappeared. Although the noise sounded a lot like that of an engine, it couldn’t possibly have been a car because hardly anyone has used that lane for years. Knowing by this point that it definitely wasn’t a car, I was intrigued to find out what had actually happened. When I got to the lane there were two parallel patterned markings, like zig-zags, in the patch of mud outside the back gate. This suggested that the craft may have landed in a similar way to a helicopter and that the flash of light may have been from an advanced extra terrestrial 360-degree on-board camera of some kind. It must have been some ship, mind. It was completely gone by the time I got outside.”

The Institute is however wary of reports of sightings which are exaggerated, or in some cases completely made up: “You can tell these stories fairly easily as they just don’t add up. For instance there was one report of a farmer who reported crop circles in one of his fields – that’s all well and good, but you can’t rule out the possibility that someone got in there and trampled down parts of the corn whilst he was asleep. We always ensure our witness accounts stand up to scrutiny – we ask them outright if there could be any other explanation for what occurred and when they go over the details of the story again it becomes clear that there definitely isn’t. After that we get them to sign a declaration of authenticity to confirm for definite that their account is true to the best of their knowledge. Only after this can it go towards our increasing library of evidence supporting the undeniable fact that extra terrestrial life forms have indeed visited our planet.”, Dr. Ian concluded.

The extra terrestrial community declined to comment.

England’s openers stave off boredom with record opening stand

July 17, 2009

England’s opening batsmen enjoyed a rollicking day with the blade, making a splendid opening partnership of 196 on the first day of the second Ashes Test.

Captain Andrew Strauss, who finished the day on 161 not out, said afterwards: “I’ve been having problems recently with my batting in that I’ve been getting out quite a bit. And that’s rubbish, because you’ve then got to find something to do whilst all the others have a go. By 9 o’clock this morning my emails were all up to date and I’d completed all my turns on Facebook Scrabble, so I knew there wouldn’t be much else to do other than bat. I decided it would probably be best not to get out, as there wouldn’t have been much for me to do for the rest of the day. I’m one of those people who hate having nothing to do and I’d have been a nightmare for the others to be around on the players’ balcony. Plus they wouldn’t let me go home, as I’m the captain and I have to set the right example, apparently.”

Cook was also at a loose end for most of the day, so the pair duly compiled their highest opening partnership for England so far, surpassing Gooch and Atherton’s stand back in 1991 – a staggering feat, considering in their day the internet hadn’t even been invented. Players back in the early 1990s often had to pass the time after their dismissal by playing games such as Connect 4 or Yahtzee – indeed, Gooch and Atherton compiled their mammoth stand midway through a fairly heated game of Abalone.

“Everyone in cricket remembers that partnership, as relations between them at that point were fraught to say the least” said Cook, Gooch’s protégé at Essex, “Athers was winding Goochy up a treat. He’d just won 3 games in a row and Gooch was fuming. Athers kept saying things like ‘You’re too old for this, your brain’s gone to fudge’ and ‘That’s the benefit of a private education, Goochie’. Now Graham’s a fiercely proud working class man and he wasn’t going to have some young Cambridge graduate – especially a northern one – get the upper hand with him in a game of Abalone. None of the others could beat him at that game apart from Athers and by the time they went out to bat they were barely talking. It was the Simon and Garfunkel of batting partnerships which players still talk about to this day. How they managed to bat for nearly six hours together and say nothing to each other between every over was quite incredible.”

Fortunately for the Cook-Strauss partnership there were no such divisions: “Between each over Andy and I would have a laugh together about how bored the others must be, having to sit there all day and watch. We decided after about the 10th over to see how long we could stick around, just to piss them off. We knew there was fuck-all else to do other than bat and to see Ravi Bopara padded up ready to bat for so long was hilarious”, said Cook. “He came up to us at lunch saying ‘When am I going to get a turn?’ and Straussy and I kept telling him that he should stay padded up ready, just in case one of us got out. What he didn’t know was that neither of us intended getting out until at least 3 o’clock, when we knew that Countdown would be on, followed by Deal Or No Deal.”

“Alastair did eventually get out around 20 minutes before Countdown began, though it did give him some time to shower, change and grab a pen and paper before the show started.” said the England captain. “I’m not into Countdown myself, plus I knew Deal Or No Deal was repeated later on in the evening on More4, so I decided to carry on batting as I was having quite a bit of fun and it would have been a shame for it to end for the sake of watching a show I could see again later.”

England ended day one on 364-6, with Strauss not out overnight.