Met Office admits: We lied

There have been calls to sack the Met Office following its fraudulent claim in April that the UK was “odds-on for a barbecue summer”.

Peter Ian, a spokesman for the Met Office, revealed: “We hoped it would be true and we thought that if we said it enough times then it would be bound to happen. Plus, none of us in the Met Office have ever seen three bad summers in a row, so we thought it was a safe bet. I mean, if you roll a die and lands on a six twice in a row, then the odds of it happening again are so minute as to be virtually impossible. We were certain another bad summer wasn’t even remotely possible and to have it happen once again is nothing short of a miracle.

“The chance of a predominantly poor British summer is around 20%, or 1 in 5. For it to happen twice in a row the odds shorten to 1 in 25. For it to happen three times in a row you’re looking at odds of 1 in 125. That’s less than a one percent chance. If we’re still going by this time next year I would pretty much stake my house on the fact that it’s going to be the best summer on record, as it would be 99.84% likely by that point.”

Tom Tobler, forecaster at the MeteoGroup, the weather division of the Press Association, said that accusations of lying were unfounded: “At no point did we willingly look to mislead the general public. We’re as disappointed as anyone, to be honest. I was hoping to take the old board down to Newquay on top of my people carrier next weekend, but the foul weather has well and truly put paid to that. I’m quite gutted, really, as I was hoping to have a bit of a paddle.”

Critics have said that the Met Office’s summer predictions were based on flawed statistical methodology, with tabloid columnist Martin Milner going as far as to declare their recent prediction as “nothing other than an outright lie, pure and simple.”

Milner, who usually writes about football, said yesterday: “Weather forecasters occupy a position of trust, and they have abused that trust, ruining the lives of ordinary, hardworking British people. Meteorology is a game where accuracy counts, a lot like football. In football, you can’t afford to get your facts wrong, otherwise the opposition get in and suddenly you’re two-nil down in the first ten minutes. The people that predict the weather have made a monumental howler. They’ve scored an own-goal of massive proportions and have ended up with egg on their faces.

“At the end of the day, results never lie – and the result of the Met Office’s prediction is that they have lied. Every year these scheming Judases sell the good, working class British holidaymaker down the river for a few scraps of silver and I, for one, am sick of it. It’s time the Met Office gravy train was derailed. Permanently.”

The heavy rain is set to continue throughout August.

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