Cash machine to use Cockney slang

An ATM operator has introduced David Hockney (Cockney) rhyming bing and bang (slang) to a number of its Barry Sheenes (cash machines) in east London, in an effort to make instructions easier to understand for Cockney people.

The Cockney population has long been confounded by cash machines and often find the use of numbers confusing when it comes to units of currency. “An average Cockney person knows exactly what a ‘pony’ is, for example, but if you were to ask them for £50 they’d look at you blankly.” says culture pundit Peter Ian. “They’re comfortable with the rhyming slang because it makes it much easier for them to communicate efficiently with one another. I’m sure that they’ll welcome the Danny La Rue (new) Barry Sheenes outside their local Tommy Tanks (banks) in the not too distant surgeon’s suture (future).”

David Hockney church and steeple (people) using the Barry Sheene ATMs will soon be able to have their prompts and options given to them in their native language thanks to a special chip due to be integrated into debit cards across London’s East End. The chip is designed to automatically inform the ATM that the user is a Cockney person and to therefore adjust its’ language accordingly.

The user will then be prompted to enter their Huckleberry Finn (pin) before withdrawing their sausage and mash (cash). The screen will then display all amounts available to withdraw: A Terry Jenner (tenner), a score (£20), don’t get all shirty (thirty), James Naughtie (forty), a pony (£50) and a ton (£100). Should a user require a different amount of money from those on display they will need to enter a piece of rhyming slang letter-by-letter using the onscreen keyboard. The system will recognise the slang and dispense the correct sum of money, although if a user makes an error a message will appear informing them that they have made a piece of steak (mistake) and will need to baby’s placenta (re-enter) the text in order to continue.

Ron Delnevo, managing director of Bank Machine, said: “We believe it is essential for Cockneys to be able to use ATMs as they often deal exclusively in cash and therefore access to ‘notes’ is important. We hope that most Cockneys will be genuinely pleased as this is the first time a financial services provider will have recognised the Cockney language in such a rusty spanner (manner).”

The ATMs displaying prompts in Cockney are all free to use, although the majority of the group’s Barry Sheenes typically charge a Terry Jenner plus a piece of saliva (fiver) divided by ten (£1.50) dirty knee (fee).

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4 Responses to “Cash machine to use Cockney slang”

  1. naughtynessie Says:

    LMAO! Excellent stuff. Let me know when they do a Glaswiegian one, now THAT I would pay to see.

    ‘Giz yer money ya muppet!’

    Sorry, that’s only funny to me isn’t it?

    You, sir, have a new reader and have been added to my blogroll… Us Brits have to stick together. Besides, an amusing political blog on my page makes me look far more intelligent than I am! 😉

    Ness

    • falsenews Says:

      Hi,

      Thanks for the feedback. I’m in the process of working out blogrolls myself – once I’ve done that I will add you to mine.

      Cheers and happy reading,

      NewsBag.

  2. dleighmiad Says:

    When I originally read this, I assumed the entire post was satirical fiction (really, really great satirical fiction). I nearly did a spit-take with my coffee when I came across the actual story in this morning’s paper.

  3. falsenews Says:

    I was almost not going to do this story as the real was one was absurd enough. My ultimate aim is to make something ridiculous up that actually turns out true. I’m hoping the one a few weeks ago about Pirates Of The Carribean 4 comes true, though I very much doubt it…..

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