Vernon Kaye “can do anything” – scientists

Scientists have today discovered that Vernon Kaye is officially the best person alive in Britain and can do anything he wants, regardless of the level of difficulty involved.

Professor Tony Mick, who led the five-year investigation revealed: “After extensive testing we found that Vernon Kaye had a human value of 6. We measured the level of his success to date and that came out at 1579 points, which is extremely high. To give you an idea of just how high that score actually is, the average Premier League footballer comes in at around 800-900 points, the singer Bono scored 1481 points and Simon Cowell is currently on 1345.

“We then tested his score against that of Christ, which has just passed the 1900 mark – however, Christ’s human value is 1386 so Vernon Kaye’s success-to-value ratio (SVR) of 263.17 actually makes him better than Jesus, whose SVR is only 1.38. We ran the test again with the same numbers, but used the average human value of 550 in place of Kaye’s value and he scored an SVR of 2.87 which was still markedly better than Christ’s. We even substituted using Peter Kaye’s human value (which is 692) and the SVR was still significantly high at 2.28.”

The team was confounded by the discrepancy between Kaye’s achievement level and his overall value as a human being. The conclusion they reached was that, with such a high success-to-value ratio, the Bolton-born television superpresenter is able to do anything he wants.

“We even worked out the difficulty levels of the things he has achieved in the last 10 years,” said Peter Ian, who was involved in the study, “and the most difficult activity he has taken on in that time is live primetime television, which has a difficulty level of 81.

“After running a string of calculations on the data gathered we actually found that Vernon Kaye could turn his hand to any profession with a difficulty level of up to 936, which is unheard of, especially when we compared it to Christ walking on water – which is just over 1000. We thought Peter Kaye’s difficulty ceiling score of 412 points was staggering, but nothing prepared us for the ratio worked out on the Vernon Kaye test. This would, scientifically at least, make Vernon Kaye officially the best person to have ever lived.”

Vernon Kaye was said this morning to be “delighted” with the “results”.

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