Brown set to set conference alight

Gordon Brown has sensationally revealed his plan to deliver a mostly ad-libbed keynote speech expected to set the Labour Party conference alight later this afternoon.

The Prime Minister is planning to walk to the lectern with several sheets of paper believed to contain his speech, but in reality will merely be printouts of his last 2 conferences speeches. He will begin his speech after arranging his papers on the lectern before pausing, then dramatically casting them aside with an elaborate swish of his right arm.

Mr. Brown will then wait until every piece of paper has tumbled to the floor before declaring: “We need to pick up the pieces of Broken Britain.”

The audience are expected to slowly rise to their feet and applaud after an initial awkward silence, at which point the Prime Minister will signal for them to be seated.

He will then proceed to pick up the pieces of paper one-by-one in complete silence and assemble them in a rough pile as he declares: “We need to cure Broken Britain from the families from hell.”

The Prime Minister then plans to produce a cigarette lighter from the inner pocket of his jacket, hold it aloft to the crowd and proclaim: “We need to send these families…BACK TO HELL!”

Mr. Brown will then set fire to the pile of papers before retreating back a step to observe solemnly as the flames quickly peter out to leave a flimsy pile of ash. He is then expected to dramatically switch metaphors by declaring: “This fire represents the current Labour government, burning incandescently before quickly diminishing into ashes, which can be blown away like this…PPPHHHHWWWWW!!!!!”

He will then observe silently as the disintegrated ash scatters gently to the ground, before proclaiming the need for Labour to “build its fire from a more sustainable, slower-burning source” in order to “keep the electorate from getting cold feet at the next election.”

The Prime Minister plans to kick his lectern to the ground and smash it into pieces under his feet, before producing “Labour’s fuel” from the side of the stage, dousing the splintered remnants of the lectern and setting them ablaze.

The delegates are then expected to rise to their feet and give a standing ovation for the duration of the fire, which is calculated to last for around 15 minutes. Mr. Brown will point upwards with both hands and bow his head throughout the applause to represent a phoenix rising from the flames. He will slowly rise onto tiptoes during the ovation in order to further emphasise this idea.

He will then finally declare to the crowd that “The building blocks required for change need to be burned in order to keep the flames of government alive!”, before quickly lowering his heels to the floor and waking up with cramp in his calves.

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