Graham Thorpe

England’s nuggety middle order batsman shares his unbridled expertise in cricketing clichés

It’s great to see that England have recalled Liam Plunkett for the upcoming South Africa series. For my money there’s no better paceman in county cricket – and that’s for sure. Plunksy has worked hard on the circuit for years and fully deserves his chance, no doubt whatsoever. I’m telling you he’s got it in him, for sure. I’m always talking about the need for cricketers to go away and work on their game in county cricket. For me, there’s no better grounding for test cricket than the English county game, that’s for definite. And that’s where I believe Plunkett should stay for the time being. For sure, he’s got pace, height and bounce – but can he ask questions of the best batsmen? My answer is “no”, which is what I’ve said all along – and that’s no lie. I don’t think he has the pace or bounce to cause South Africa many problems, that’s my view on the matter. Do you think Jacques Kallis has prepared himself by setting the bowling machine to deliver 83mph balls on leg stump? Well, do you? No way! The South Africans must have been laughing for sure when this line-up was announced – I know I was. And that’s the God’s honest truth of the matter, no word of a lie. I don’t doubt that for a moment whatsoever, to be completely honest with you. That’s my honest answer, and I can’t say any fairer than that, to be completely blunt with you. If you ask my opinion, I will always give you a direct answer because that’s just the way I am. I like to play with a straight bat – and that’s me being honest, which is the best way to be, to be honest. I don’t beat around the bush when it comes to cricketing issues, and I always tell it to you straight. You all know your boy Thorpey doesn’t talk … uhh … doesn’t … mess about … like with my batting … I’m always careful to … uhh … uhhoohhh noooo …

BLEEEUURGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AHUHFFTTTOOOFF!! FTUFF!! OCCHHH-TUFF!!! BLEEUUURRRGGGHHH!!!!! A-BLOORRRRAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!! FTUFFF!!! FTUFFF!!! EURGH!!! EURGHH!! FTUFF!!! ACHHH!!!

OK, so I was talking about the touring party which was what I was talking about, for sure – and that’s without a shadow of a doubt with what I’m telling you is that uhhh, I … uhhh … I … hang on a minute …

SSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! ACHEH!! AHEH!! FTUFFF!!!!

I think I’m gonna go home now, for sure. I need to get out of here, it’s too stuffy. I can’t focus … focus is important in the modern game, without question. Um … is this the way out? Where’s everyone gone? I think I need to go to bed … why am I so damp? Did someone spill a drunk? Drink? I’ve got to finishish this columnum or Euroschport will sack me … ahhhh noooo …

Does anyone know where I live? Hello? Hey, you, mate … can you help me?

PAAAARRRRPPPPPP!!!!

Excuse me! Excuse me! Oi! Hellooo?? Can you tell me where my house is? I need to get back to home now. Have you seen my house? It’s 4 bedrooms and it’s got a garden with a barbecue? I need to get to bed … ahhh, bush, this’ll be useful for sure … greenery …

AAABBBLLOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! A-HECK!!! FTUFF!!! Shit …

Where is this again? Is this still the pub? Ahh, that table’s got an umbella, that’ll keep me warm … whoa, dizzy … I need to feel stable, there’s too much movement … whoah … never liked movement meself, always liked the ball comin’ on to the bat crisp … hmm … crisps … someone’s left some crisps … yum! Nourishment. Get on! Need some sleep, simpuw azzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

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