Airport workers ‘excited’ over new scanner

Customs officers working at Manchester Airport are said to be “excited” about the introduction of a human X-Ray machine set to go on trial from today.

The scanner will revolutionise the jobs of many officials across the country, allowing them to build up a computerized profile of how the naked body of a prospective terrorist would typically look.

Airport worker Peter Ian is confident that the X-Ray machine will prove successful over the next 12 months: “I’ve got to say that this will alleviate a lot of the stress of airport security and that so far it’s been an absolute pleasure to use. It’s given us a powerful way of keeping abreast of suspected terrorist activity and for £80,000 it’s been worth every penny. It’s a highly sensitive piece of kit that shows a wonderful level of detail, which is crucial for determining the overall shape of terrorism.

“It’s difficult to imagine what a terrorist typically looks like, let alone what they look like without clothes on. This award-winning device will definitely assist both us and the police force in the ongoing de-sexualisation of terror suspects across the country. Once we know what a terrorist looks like naked it immediately gives us a great deal power over them, which we can then use to our advantage during interrogation. Plus it’s also useful for the public to be aware of the typical appearance of a terrorist’s breasts or genitals in case they were to ever become sexually involved with someone who may potentially blow up a plane.”

The scanner stores images of every body shape which goes on to be convicted of a terrorist offence and disregards those which are innocent. It slowly builds up a typical naked terrorist’s body based on a series of averages worked out using special 3D imaging software. The X-Ray machine and software have recently been rewritten to iron out a fundamental error which resulted in the unintentional merging of both male and female genitalia on one body template.

Professor Tony Mick, who was in charge of designing the system revealed: “We did have a few teething troubles with the software and it ended up forming an amalgam of both male and female body parts, which was of no use whatsoever. I did have the printout of it somewhere, but I think one of my colleagues borrowed it last week. I’ve no idea why he’d have wanted it as we abandoned that release as soon as we found out and re-wrote the software shortly afterwards to assign separate profiles for male and female body templates.”

The scanner is due for general release in July 2010.

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