OFT beer ruling makes CAMRA sick

Britain’s pub industry has been given the all-clear by the Office of Fair Trading despite a “super” complaint lodged by the Campaign for Real Ale.

Camra filed its first ever complaint to the OFT after an all-day drinking session in July, and outlined what it believed to be a sensible and balanced argument which it hoped would compel the OFT to change its current ruling, which allows pub companies to fix high beer prices and rents on landlords, forcing many out of business. Camra added that this ruling also stifled competition, meaning that consumers were also out-of-pocket. The OFT appeared to listen, but ultimately refused to change its position on the matter because it had to protect the business interests of the pub companies, who were also struggling.

The OFT said that it wasn’t trying to be funny or anything, but there was no evidence that “tied” prices forced on landlords by pub companies were harming competition for consumers – and that’s all they had to say on the matter, simple as that. It then began jabbing Camra in the chest with its index finger as it declared that it was TELLING them, yeah, that they had found that there was a generally effective level of competition between pubs, so they wouldn’t be taking any further action and that Camra could stick that in their pipe and smoke it.

Camra responded by insisting that this was typical of the bloody OFT, always siding with the big guy. It then asked how the OFT would like it if they had to work over 12 hours a day just to make ends meet before slamming its empty glass down on the table in order to emphasise its point.

The OFT suggested that maybe Camra had had a few too many and that it ought to think about going home before things got a bit nasty. Camra insisted that it was fine and that the OFT was in no position to judge, seeing as it was the one making a fool of itself as was plain for all to see. The OFT became aggravated at this point, insisting that their ruling was final and that Camra was just throwing its toys out of the pram like a big baby.

Camra insisted that the OFT took back its last comment, but the OFT merely laughed in its face and asked what Camra proposed it was going to do about it. Camra raised its voice and offered to resolve the issue in the car park like men. Unfortunately, as Camra stood up it realised just how drunk it was and as it tried to walk towards the door its legs gave way, causing it to collapse on to the floor. Its stomach began churning as it attempted to focus on the pattern of the carpet before being carried outside by other drinkers to vomit into a bush, which it then did several times.

The OFT then appeared from over Camra’s shoulder and offered to help carry it home. Camra said it didn’t need any help, thank you very much, and that it was only sick due to having eaten some dodgy steak earlier that afternoon. It then staggered down the lane into the night before falling over its garden wall and passing out on the front lawn.

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