Sting now more miserable than Morrissey: official

The grammy-award-winning artist Sting has officially been declared as being more miserable than Morrissey by music experts today.

This latest judgement comes after Sting’s month-long tirade against the innocuous TV talent show X-Factor, officially the longest whinge by any British artist since Rod Stewart’s memorable 6-week rant after being charged $6 for two bottles of spring water he had never ordered in an L.A. restaurant almost a decade ago.

The former Police frontman beat former Smiths frontman Morrissey into second place, after the latter’s comparatively more upbeat appearance on BBC1’s The One Show earlier this year. The full transcript of Sting’s moan is expected to span over 1000 pages and will be auctioned later in the year, with the singer expected to accompany it with the release of a low-key concept album in which he intends to perform the entire rant over a gentle acoustic background – below is a short excerpt from the provisionally-titled Sting’s Whinge:

“… I can’t believe there are still shows like this on television. Does anyone actually watch this drivel? I watched one episode last weekend and it nearly made me puke. I mean, what’s going on with all those lights? They’re enough to give people a migraine, god forbid what they’d do to an epileptic. And the voiceover man is so unnecessarily loud, as are the crowd who scream like hyenas throughout. Has the human race really come to this? Is this what passes for entertainment nowadays? Shows like this have set music back decades and the damage caused by this form of ‘entertainment’ has spread far and wide throughout society. This is no more than a televised karaoke event and it devalues the work of real musicians, such as myself. It’s a preposterous circus freak show and the sooner it ends, the better. None of the contestants have any discernable talent or identity – I feel sorry for them, I really do. They’re being used by this vehicle for Simon Cowell’s ego and are all merely commodities who will get cast aside once the money runs out. Barely any of these kids can sing or have any musical adaptability. I spent five years learning to play the lute – can any of these contestants say the same? They only ever ‘sing’ like Whitney Houston or Boyzone, and have nothing unique about them – certainly no ‘X-Factor’, that’s for sure. They need to break the shackles and find a niche like I have. There’s no other artist out there doing the sort of things I’m doing and constantly looking for fresh ideas and musical approaches in the way I do. I wouldn’t get on X-Factor – not because I don’t have talent, but if anything because I have too much musical ability for that kind of show. I can play several different instruments as well as being a vocalist and my individuality would provide a threat to the likes of Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh, who are more than happy pulling the strings and controlling these poor contestants. And don’t get me started on the judging panel – I honestly can’t see how any of them can sit there in judgement when none of them can sing or have any recognisable talent of their own. Their only ‘talent’ seems to lie in self-promotion, which they do at every available opportunity, to the detriment of the very people they’re supposed to be ‘mentoring’. If you thought that the talent ran out at singing, then you obviously haven’t seen the ludicrous attempts at choreography, which are pathetic beyond all comprehension. I don’t see why they have to dance all over the stage and play up to the audience every ten seconds. It’s as bad as a pub karaoke contest and certainly not something that should be on television. The backing tracks are horrendous, too. It’s like the sound has been puréed into a sort of aural mulch devoid of any identifying features or character. They take a tuneless track and actually manage to make it even worse – they’d be better off using a karaoke machine. And a lot of them cheat by having backing vocals piped in to bolster their performance, which defeats the whole purpose of the show in my opinion. True artists don’t need gimmickry like that. When I perform live it’s truly live and I don’t need a backing track to mask my vocals. I often go out there with nothing more than an acoustic and a vocal mic, and that’s more than enough to draw people in – as long you’ve got the talent and charisma to pull it off, which I can’t honestly say any of these contestants have. The entire show is truly appalling from start to finish, with ad breaks seemingly every five minutes – presumably because to cater for the exceedingly short attention span of the average X-Factor viewer. It’s just hideous noise the whole way through and the worst thing is that it now also goes out on Sunday nights too, so I’ve been told. Television is so cynical, wringing out the torment over a whole weekend, only to culminate in the ritualistic humiliation and the crushing of dreams for another desperate young hopeful. Quite how anyone is meant to enjoy a show like this is entirely beyond me …”

Although now officially more miserable than Morrissey, Sting will probably be pleased to hear that he is now no longer the smuggest man in Britain, due in part to the poor performance of his last album Songs From The Labyrinth, but also down to much of his self-satisfaction now being hidden behind an enormous beard.

When interviewed after the end of his marathon rant against the ITV talent show, Sting expressed how “pleased” he was to have “finally got it off” his “chest”, and that although he “hated the show”, he would probably watch it again next week “just to see if the twins go through or not.”

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