53% would kill for Conservative government – poll

A recent ICM survey has found that almost 53% of voters would “literally kill someone” if the Labour government achieved an unprecedented 4th term in power.

The poll, built entirely around superficial and emotive responses rather than actual voting intentions also found that 48% of voters thought that David Cameron had “the better hair” for running the country. Only 32% preferred Gordon Brown’s hairstyle – a result which, if translated into votes, would give the Tories a comfortable majority of 102 come the next election.

When asked which personality voters would prefer to have, only 25% opted for Brown’s stoicism in the face of disaster compared to an overwhelming 67% preferring the faux bonhomie of the Conservative leader.

The favourite colour of voters was varied, with 46% preferring blue, 32% liking red, 18% in favour of yellow and 4% preferring “others”. Should voting patterns follow suit, Mr. Cameron would win the forthcoming General Election with a substantial majority of 96.

Asked how they would feel on waking up the day after the general election to find Labour had been returned to power, 53% said they would “literally kill someone”, 22% said they would be “disappointed”, 11% said they “would take a sharp intake of breath”, 10% said they would be “pleasantly surprised” and 4% said they would be “mildly sexually aroused”. A Tory victory, however, would cause 18% voter arousal, according to the poll.

As many as 42% more voters preferred Mr. Cameron’s choice of ties compared to those chosen by the current Prime Minister, with 45% of voters believing the Conservative leader had better “star quality” compared to Mr. Brown. Only 23% thought that the current Prime Minister had the “likeability factor”, compared to 56% thinking the same for Mr. Cameron.

The poll also revealed that over 33% of voters are “excited” about the forthcoming election, with 28% planning on holding election night parties whilst watching the action on a large plasma screen television – though plans of this nature may have to be flexible, as 42% believe the General Election will be held in May, with 31% speculating on April and 20% believing it will be held in the first quarter. The remaining 7% think Mr. Brown will surprise the Tories with a shock election before the end of the year, with 3% of those believing the election may even take place on Boxing Day.

Just over 35% of the voting public are expected to turn out at the General Election, with 65% expected to complain afterwards regardless of the result.

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