Everton Tesco move shelved

Everton Football Club’s plan to relocate to a Tesco car park in Kirkby has been rejected by the government after a public enquiry found the idea to be “impractical”.

The club hoped the move from Goodison Park to a new 50,000-seater stadium in the car park of Tesco Extra would allow football fans ample parking next to the new ground, together with the chance to complete their weekly shopping around each game.

A spokesman for the club said upon hearing the news: “It’s a massive disappointment for us and we’re obviously gutted at the end of the day. This move could have revolutionised both shopping and football – and with consumer spending being what it is, we believed this move would be mutually beneficial, though the government obviously disagree.”

Peter Ian, who headed the inquiry, said yesterday: “We had no choice to reject it due to the obvious practical reasons. For instance, deliveries to the store would be disrupted on Saturdays, and normal people doing their shopping would find it an unwanted disturbance. Also, the customer services desk would become vastly overworked, due to Everton fans’ propensity to complain about absolutely everything all the time.

“The other major problem is that Everton fans are renowned for picking up items from a particular shelf, then changing their minds and putting them back somewhere completely different. This would cause untold extra work for Tesco staff, who are already under a lot of strain. They also have a poor record in returning trolleys to their bays, often leaving them in inconvenient locations around the car park where they could easily cause superficial damage to the paintwork of parked cars.

“The other thing Everton fans are well-known for is taking too long at the checkouts. This can cause annoyance at the best of times, let alone on a Saturday when the store is at its busiest. No shopper would appreciate an Everton fan wasting time finding their wallet, then going back to pick up a couple of items they had forgotten and finally pulling out 8 different clubcard vouchers before ultimately completing their payment. It was for these reasons that we had to reject the proposal out of hand. Had it been a proper club, such as Liverpool for example, we may have decided differently. Liverpool fans have a great record in trolley returns, checkout speed and are generally much more decisive with their purchases on the whole. Plus they’ve won something in the last 15 years.”

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