Heavy snowfall causes article to state obvious

Heavy snow across the country has brought chaos to the British media, leaving many journalists stranded for ideas and forcing others to reiterate exactly what everybody already knows.

The snow has come at a difficult time for news writers, who are currently struggling with the reiteration of stories surrounding the likelihood of a white Christmas, together with lazy speculation over festive drinking habits.

Jaded hack Peter Ian reveals more: “I’m not actually going to reveal anything enlightening with regard to my profession, so this quote may disappoint you a bit. What I’ll most likely end up doing is fleshing out a non-story with nothing of any value whatsoever. In fact the reader will wonder why they’re still following the text of this quote with their eyes and may be tempted to skip on to a more interesting part of the story. The problem is, there IS no interesting part to this story, but the reader won’t know that until they’ve read the whole thing, so they’ll slavishly follow the words right down to the bottom of the page – at which point they will know nothing they weren’t aware of already. If anything, they’ll know slightly less.

“Another way writers often beef up these pieces is to include a few accidents that have resulted from the adverse driving conditions up and down the country. We’ll throw in, for example, that part of the M40 in Buckinghamshire has had to be closed due to a jack-knifed lorry, or that cars have been abandoned in parts of Kent, and all the reader will think is ‘I’m glad that’s not me’ before forgetting every detail of what they’ve just read. At this juncture, a journalist often attempts to rescue the story with a celebrity quote – and luckily, in this story, Davina McCall happened to be among those stuck on the A21 for over 3 hours. Soundbytes from B-listers such as McCall provide essential filler, as well as being a useful way of making the story a more vivid experience for the reader.”

Among those stuck on the A21 was television presenter Davina McCall, who luckily wasn’t hurt. She later said: “We got wedged in a whole series of cars and it was pelting down with snow. I did call the police after a couple of hours and they came pretty quickly.”

The lack of a more robust quote from the Big Brother host caused slight panic towards the end of the article – however, this was soon averted by an extra piece of filler in the form of an obligatory warning issued by a local police officer looking to get their name in a news story. Chief Inspector Jon Dodman, of Essex Police, staggered no-one by rounding off the article using this soundbyte: “With further snow forecast over the next few days I would advise people to only make journeys if they are absolutely necessary.”

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