Quantum terrorist laser to “see inside soul”

A new laser device which is programmed to detect terrorism without human intervention has been trialled by the California Wellness Center this week.

The device uses a patented software system which singles out passengers checking in at airports who “look like they might be trouble”. It remotely scans the suspect’s aura for signs of terrorist vibes and negative thoughts, then points a beam of light at any suspicious looking person to alert officials, who will apprehend the suspect and carry out a full Reike body search before allowing them to continue their spiritual journey.

Should a potential terrorist refuse to co-operate, the earth energies in the laser beam will intensify until the suspect falls to the ground and surrenders. The intensity of the beam is also cleverly programmed to pick up on a suspect’s level of guilt and adjust its output in direct proportion.

The suspect then has the option to undergo the full treatment regime for $4999.00 in which they are connected to the Quantum Biofeedback machine for the removal of all bad terrorist energies. Once these are completely replaced with good natural earth energies, the passenger is then released to continue in their new spiritual direction.

Dr. Peter Ian (Phd), the genius behind the device, reveals more: “We are as concerned about terrorism as everyone else, so we decided to pool our combined knowledge of Quantum Theory to produce a device capable of detecting potential terrorists using a non-invasive scientific consciousness operating system. Basically, it combines the Quantum Xrroid Interface with laser technology to be able to perform advanced biofeedback over distance. The results are then fed into a highly sensitive computer which can identify terror suspects from the bio-energetic feedback transmitted via the laser.

“We haven’t exactly tested this device as such, but the science behind it is definitely sound and if you check our website there are a number of testimonials from our customers who have experienced some degree of success using this system. Plus we’ve carried out preliminary tests in our own laboratories which were all scientif-ish and yielded some quite positive results in certain cases.”

The Quantum Laser is expected to go on general release in April this year.

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