Steve Penk’s Laboured Comedy Corner

(Sponsored by McDonalds ® – I’m lovin’ it)

Famous for Jon Culshaw’s infamous phone call to Downing Street, Penk revolutionised Revolution Radio by transforming it from a dull, eclectic mix of varied music and ideas into a super-slick, exciting derivative of the Heart FM franchise. Join Penky in his exciting new column in which he muses leaden-footedly over the week’s events, where even the tagline struggles to make its point in a clumsy and roundabout way…

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Hasn’t it been cold recently? Brrr… ice all over the roads and snow everywhere. Tell you what would have been funny was if everyone had gone to work USING ICE SKATING BOOTS! How funny would that have been? You’d just see everyone, wouldn’t you? Sliding around. And of course you’d get some people falling over, wouldn’t you? You can imagine them going “Urraaggghh!!! Yikes!!! Wooooaaaooohhhh, how do I operate the brakes on this thing? Arrrrrghhhh!!!” then SPLAT, they’re on the floor!! That would have been so funny. And you’d have some flash people doing pirouettes, wouldn’t you? Hahaha…shame it’s not like that now. You know, if I’d thought of it at the time, I’d have played “Cold As Ice” by Foreigner and made the point in a really obvious way.

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So I see Prince William has arrived in Australia. I bet there’s a few SHEILAS who’ll be pleased to see him, eh? Yer flamin’ galaa? Tell you what would be funny – if he wore a Crocodile Dundee hat with corks hanging off it – THAT would be funny! How funny would that be? And if he came off the plane, right, with Rolf Harris’s wobble board going “Mmm-chikka-mmm-chikka-mmm-chikka-mmm!!!” That would be hilarious! Ahaha ha ha ha!!! And of course it’d all be upside-down! Eh? Laugh, or I’ll sack you. Tell you what, that’s got to be worth playing a bit of “Down Under” by Men At Work, hasn’t it? Heh heh!

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Nice to see all the political parties gearing up for the upcoming election. Apparently, there may even be a live debate between the three major party leaders. I tell you what would be better – a live boxing match with really massive gloves! Or a pillow fight – can you imagine how funny that would be? A pillow fight between Brown and Cameron! Hahaha! Imagine the look on Brown’s face as a pillow smacks him on the nose! That’d be hilarious! Or even better, they could have pugil-sticks like on Gladiators and two elevated sort of pad type things on top of a pole. How funny would it be when one of them fell off? And I tell you what else I’d do – I’d make them do it in their PANTS! How funny would that be? And you could play “Eye Of The Tiger” by Survivor in the background…

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Lily Allen could apparently win her first ever Brit Award next month. What would be really funny was if you could get into the audience on the evening and shout out “Robin Hood! Friar Tuck! Maid Marian!” – eh? Because obviously her dad Keith is in Robin Hood as the evil Sheriff of Nottingham. Could you imagine the look on her face? She’d probably take it in good spirits as she’s actually got a sense of humour herself. Or you could shout something like “You’re a twit for leaving Twitter! You Twitter twit!” – ah ha ha ha ha harr! How funny would that be? Of course I wouldn’t actually play a record by her as it’d doubtless be full of naughty words and it doesn’t fit with the remit of my station.

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Mixed reviews over Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes. That’s probably because he didn’t do his funny dance. Now how funny would THAT have been? If he’d gone up there and just did that dance between every award? That would be pure comedy! Especially if you overlook any irony in it – can you imagine the look on Meryl Streep’s face? She’d have a look of permanent surprise! It’d be hilarious! I tell you what else would be funny – if he wore the WIG and GLASSES from Extras! You wouldn’t be able to move for laughter – he’d bring the house down! It’d be SO funny!

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Have you been watching Big Brother recently? What are they LIKE, eh? They’re all mad! But have you heard of ANY of the “celebrities” in there? Me neither. What is a lady sovereign? I bet it’s a kind of money or a medal or something that they used to have in the olden days, yeah? And who’s Alex Reid? Is he Mike Reid’s son? Eh? I tell you what would be really funny – if they did It’s A Knockout as the weekly task! That would be hilarious – and you could have the Geordie guy doing Stuart Hall’s voiceover. How funny would that be, with the why-aye-man Geordie accent? “Ah tell e wot like! That’s a crackeh!”. That’d get the viewing figures back up again!

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Join Penky every morning at “stupid o’clock” on Revolution96.2

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