Where are they NIE?

Northern Ireland Electricity today faces the prospect of recalculating thousands of customer bills after losing a data tape containing 12,799 individual billing details.

The tape is thought to contain vital customer details such as balance brought forward, balance outstanding brought forward, total owing, total still to pay, total due, monthly direct debit, balance still owing, total carried forward to next quarter, VAT at 5% and balance total, as well as the unfathomable unit calculation section on the second page of all bills.

Eamonn McNeil, a lazily made-up customer of NIE who was photographed solemnly holding up a copy of his recent electricity bill in order to make the point that bit clearer to readers, said yesterday: “This is outrageous, so it is. I rely heavily on the conflicting and unclear information on my quarterly statement, and the fact that it’s gone missing can only mean devastation for the supply of electricity across the whole of Northern Ireland. In fact this is nothing short of a disaster. I’m not quite sure why, but it should make a compelling and emotive quote when published. Obviously don’t include this bit, though – that’d just make me sound stupid, so it would.”

NIE Energy managing director Stephen McCully said: “I appreciate the concern that this missing obfuscatory information will cause among members of the public, but I would like to take this opportunity to assure everyone that no adverse consequences will occur should this information fall into the wrong hands. Hell, even WE don’t understand it, and we compile the bills. The only things a criminal will gain from this information will be a slight retinal headache and a feeling of lethargy. If anything, it may confuse them so much they actually end up turning their back on crime – that’s got to be a reason to smile, hasn’t it?”

The story ended shortly after Mr. McNully’s quote.

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