Steve Penk’s Laboured Comedy Corner

(Sponsored by McDonalds ® – I’m lovin’ it)

Famous for Jon Culshaw’s infamous phone call to Downing Street, Penk revolutionised Revolution Radio by transforming it from a dull, eclectic mix of varied music and ideas into a super-slick, exciting derivative of the Heart FM franchise. Join Penky in his exciting new column in which he muses leaden-footedly over the week’s events, where even the tagline struggles to make its point in a clumsy and roundabout way…

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Frank Skinner has apparently written a new song for England’s World Cup campaign next summer. I’m not sure if it will live up to the glory of Three Lions, so with that in mind I have decided to create my own anthem, which I’m sure you’ll agree is better. It’s called “Penky, Penky, England” – see what you think:

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It’s everyone’s dream to win the World Cup

To stand there on the podium lifting it up

We’re here to wish the boys the best of luck

And hoping that they don’t [BLEEP] it up

With Penky behind them, you know they can’t lose

Apart from if they drink too much booze

Like former England footie player Tony Adams

Who likes to drink several cans

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We got Beckham, we got Joe Cole

Good honest lads who are great at foot-bole

We got style, we got class

We got Ashley Cole who used to be an Arse…

…nal player who’s now at Chelsea

Moved there for a massive fee

Plus we got Rooney and Gerrard

Whose name conveniently rhymes with Frank Lampard

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[chorus] Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

(x2)

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Move the ball forwards, tackle-pass-shoot

Scoring a goal off the toe of a boot

Don’t be too safe, don’t be too clever

If all else fails tie Ronaldo’s laces together

From the streets of Bury, to the sands of Dubai

They’ll be cheering England in the slums of Mumbai

Come on, England, get that ball in

Everybody really wants you to win

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[chorus] Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

(x2)

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All the world over we’ll be singing this song

Hoping that England don’t do anything wrong

Penky at breakfast will always be here

To give all the boys some much-needed cheer

So listen to Penky all the way through

On Burnley’s Revolution 96.2

And if you find you don’t have the time

You can listen to all his best bits online

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[chorus] Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

(x2)

[instrumental]

[Recording of prank call to Sepp Blatter:

Penky: Hullo, is that, uhhhh, Chip Fatter?

Blatter: Excuse me?

Penky: I said, is that Fish Batter [sniggers]?

Blatter: Who is this? I don’t understand.

Penky: I want to get some chips battered – are you the man to help me?

Blatter: Why are you calling? Who are you?

Penky: I heard you were a chip batterer – Sepp Blatter’s Chip Fat Fish Batterer. I need to batter my chips urgently!

Blatter: You pri…[click] [burrrrrr!]]

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[chorus] Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

[repeat to fade]

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So there you are – how funny was that? I’ve actually been working on this song since my days at Piccadilly Radio and I’m pretty sure it’ll give Frank Skinner’s effort a run for its money. Make sure you tune in on Monday at 6.00am for the world exclusive DEBUT of this track, which will be available to download straight afterwards – all the way up to July 10th!

Join Penky on Revolution96.2 as he plays this song EVERY DAY until England’s exit from the World Cup

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