Archive for February, 2010

Portsmouth football club to relocate to caravan park

February 26, 2010

Portsmouth Football Club have been forced by administrators into relocating to a small caravan park on the outskirts of the city in order to counter crippling debts, according to a club spokesperson yesterday.

The club, whose nickname is “The Pikeys”, will reconvene all activities to an unused field just outside of the Warren Avenue Industrial Estate with immediate effect. The cash-strapped Southampton-based Premier League outfit have struggled to stay afloat recently, and currently languish 7 points clear at the bottom of the table.

The move will not go unnoticed by Premier League bosses, who are sure to sympathise with their situation by docking more than 8 points from the club, leaving them almost certain to be relegated into the Championship at the end of the current season. “The Premier League is a place where, at the end of the day, pounds make points,” said a league spokesman yesterday, “and at the end of the day, being without money is not going to sit well with the bosses, who take a very dim view of this sort of thing.

“Put it this way, Portsmouth have long been that scum family who moved into the shittest house on the street – you know, the sort of people who think it’s OK to store white goods in their front garden or burn sofas out the back. Basically, the neighbourhood’s never been the same since those gypsies moved in and the sooner this street’s rid of them, the better. I’ll tell you something – no-one round here’s going to miss them, that’s for sure.”

Meanwhile, manager Avram Grant told reporters at the club’s new training base that he was “not entirely comfortable” operating out of a portakabin, and complained that there would be nowhere nearby to buy his lunch: “This is a dreadful situation. The new field is uneven, the grass is too long to play football on and there are scant provisions for fans apart from a small van we managed to salvage, which could be used to sell small polystyrene cups of tomato soup from for 50p a go – if they want something more substantial, they will have to bring packed lunches until we can afford to renovate an old burger van.”

Disgruntled fan Peter Ian summed up the club’s recent fortunes this morning, telling a reporter: “I lent that club £20 two weeks ago in good faith. A club spokesman said that they were in a bit of a ‘tight patch’ and that they would definitely give it me back after next payday, but since then I’ve heard nothing. I doubt they’ll ever pay up, the thieving gypsies. I think in future I’ll support Man United or Chelsea from the comfort of my own home, just like everyone else does…”

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100% of consumers would gladly take a match to British Gas: survey

February 25, 2010

An ICM survey of just under 4 people today found that around 100% of households using gas would happily flick a metaphorical match at British Gas and watch it explode from a safe distance.

The poll, conducted over an ICM employee’s lunch hour, showed conclusively the level of public dissatisfaction over the company’s record annual profits, together with the failure of  wholesale price reductions being passed on to the consumer. Just over 95% of those questioned harboured disturbingly pathological tendencies towards British Gas due to having to pay an extra £35 on their annual bill.

“I’d take a knife to the throat of whoever is the chief executive at British Gas plc,” said one disgruntled passer-by yesterday, when told of the company’s huge turnover. “It’s Frank Chapman, is it? Yeah, I’d stick a knife to his neck – I wouldn’t kill him or anything – but I’d make bloody sure he knew how disgruntled I was. I think it’s bloody disgusting how much money that bastard creams off people like you and me. He’d do well to remember that it’s gas users like us that pay his hefty bonuses – not that he’d care.”

Another pedestrian was equally furious with the company, saying: “I often fantasise about stamping on Frank Chapman’s neck. I’d hold my foot on his gullet until the point of suffocation, then fart in his face, so he has no choice but to breathe in my stale, rancid gas as he struggles to recover his breath. Then I’d charge him a fiver for the privilege and wave it in his face whilst laughing like a hyena.”

The final member of the public was initially ambivalent, although, after being interviewed for the survey, revealed: “I honestly wasn’t all that bothered until a few minutes ago. Now, however, I’d love to walk into British Gas headquarters and light a match – just to see the look on those greedy fuckers’ faces. Failing that, I’d take some of my own gas in there – a bit of Zyclon B, let’s see how they’d deal with that. How dare they charge the average British householder a £20-40 more per annum – how is anyone supposed to manage? I tell you something, it might take a few lives lost to really make that point, you know?”

Device mADE in Britain bombs in Iraq

February 24, 2010

The much-heralded ADE651 device recently exported to Iraq by bomb-detection manufacturers ATSC has come under fire today from Iraqi officials, who believe that just under half the units are defective.

The units, which were exported last year, work via the use of a piece of special “magic paper”, which is loaded into the top of the large, pistol-like device. When the device is pointed at a suitcase – or a person – a word forms across the blank piece of paper to indicate whether there is “No Danger”, “Slight Danger” or “Incredible Danger!!!”. Unfortunately, several units did not display any wording, leaving many officials scratching their heads. Others missed the “D” off “Danger”, meaning customs officers were unable to make arrests, because harbouring anger, however deep-rooted, is not classed as a criminal offence in Iraq.

An Iraq government spokesman, Ali al-Dabbagh, told reporters yesterday: “Nearly half of these devices are a joke. The magic paper is very fiddly to use and there are no instructions on how to best fit it into the slot. Even when you manage to get the paper in, it is very flimsy and tends to shift about too much for the readings to register. It is annoying, as the special paper is highly expensive to replace and we end up having to order thousands of sheets from the UK, as ATSC are the only company which sell it.

“The other thing we can’t stand is that it is ridiculously heavy, for what it actually is. I’m aware it’s a potentially life-saving device, but come on! It’s like a slab of lead, for Christ’s sake. It often requires 2 or 3 officials to hold it up, which apart from looking stupid also wastes a lot of man-hours. As a customer, we would expect better than this – we’d send them all back, but we’re not sure we could afford the postage, so instead we have decided to sue ATSC.”

Speaking from his caravan yesterday, ATSC director Jim McCormick defended the device, saying: “Listen, right, Al-Dabbagh can’t be using the things properly, that’s most likely what it is. I don’t know what they’re doing with them over there, but I do know that all the ADE651’s were working perfectly well before we shipped them out to Iraq. For all we know they could be putting the magic paper in back-to-front or upside-down, or not holding it level. If they’re doing either of those things, then the spirits won’t be able to mark the paper and the device won’t perform properly. That’s not our fault, that’s user error. There’s a dedicated support number they can call for that kind of thing. Besides, we’re just the manufacturer – if they’ve got a complaint about the units they need to take them to their nearest arms dealer. Oh, that’s over here, is it? Fuck…”

NHS to fund treatment for homeopathy

February 23, 2010

The government plans to ringfence several million pounds of NHS funding specifically for the treatment of homeopathy, according to several parliamentary sources today.

Homeopathy is an illness which is believed by many to be incurable, and often affects middle-class people – particularly those in the media. Research into homeopathy is sketchy, but it is thought to be caused by a tiny microscopic parasite about half the size of an atom which burrows into the brain of liberal-minded people, resulting in poor decision-making and questionable logic, and over time can lead to serial delusion (often referred to as “succusion”). Delusion often persists in sufferers of homeopathy until no trace of their original character is left.

Symptoms of homeopathy are thought to include tie-dyed shirts, sandals and a lack of deductive reasoning. It is currently estimated to cost the NHS over £4million per year and has been a burden on its finances ever since the NHS’s inception in 1948. Homeopathy has remained untreated for over 200 years and was thought to have originated from the scientist Samuel Hahnemann, who slowly turned insane after licking the inside of a piece of tree bark for a bet.

Homeopathy-sufferer Peter Ian welcomes the news, saying: “I’ve had homeopathic tendencies for the past couple of years. I think I caught homeopathy after shagging this hippy bird I met around the time I was backpacking in Goa. I tell you something – she was certainly a Go-a, that’s for sure! Anyway, since then I’ve never quite been the same and I eventually had to see my GP as I was experiencing wellness problems and a complete lack of life-balance.

“Unfortunately, because there’s no treatment for homeopathy on the NHS, I’ve had to seek out alternative practitioners for help with my illness. I’m currently getting treatment from this guy called Andy Smith. He’s been fantastic and he really understands what I’m going through, which is great. I can’t praise him highly enough, to be honest. He’s currently got me on a course of supplements, which, although not proven in any scientific trials, have been extremely effective. They actually work on a ‘like-cures-like’ basis, which sounds really clever. I don’t actually understand it that much myself, so I tend to leave all the scientif-ish stuff to Andy. The service that guy offers is great – he’s actually diagnosed all manner of allergies I never even knew I had, which is incredible. So much for conventional medicine, eh?”

NHS treatment for homeopathy is due to take place from 2011.

February 22, 2010

Steve Penk’s Laboured Comedy Corner

(Sponsored by McDonalds ® – I’m lovin’ it)

Famous for Jon Culshaw’s infamous phone call to Downing Street, Penk revolutionised Revolution Radio by transforming it from a dull, eclectic mix of varied music and ideas into a super-slick, exciting derivative of the Heart FM franchise. Join Penky in his exciting new column in which he muses leaden-footedly over the week’s events, where even the tagline struggles to make its point in a clumsy and roundabout way…

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I don’t know about you, but I had to watch Jonathan Ross’s BAFTA performance through my fingers, folks. Cringeworthy or what? To be fair to old Wossy, he pwobably wasn’t weady to pwesent the BAFTAs so soon after Sachsgate – remember kids, prank phone calls ain’t funny. Unless I’m doing them, of course! MY phone scams don’t upset Ofcom, plus they only end up wasting about 20 minutes of a local business’ time, so tune into your boy Penky for your daily fix of funny phone capers on 96.2 – honestly, my sachs are literally bursting with good ideas!

Incidentally, imagine how funny it would be if Andrew Sachs were to launch his own brand of peanuts – he could call them Nut Sachs – geddit? How funny would THAT be? They’d make a great SNACH, wouldn’t they? Eh? And they could put a warning on the packet: CAUTION – contents may be salty. How hilarious would THAT be?

It’s fair to say nearly every high profile performer goes through a stage like Wossy did last night. Even with a script as polished as Jonathan had for the BAFTAs, a performer can lose their impetus and struggle to deliver a simple joke with a punchline only three times as long as its feed line. I remember a few years ago filming TV’s Naughtiest Blunders IV and being completely unable to deliver a piece to camera linking church-based mishaps to a batch of outtakes involving male presenters getting hit in the balls. All I had to say was “From vestibules … to testicules, now. Take a look at these plums!”, but I couldn’t decide whether to pronounce “testicles” as “testicules” to make sure the viewers got the joke, or whether to pronounce “vestibules” as “vestibles”. I got so confused and lost a lot of confidence over the entire take, and in the end I resorted to saying “If you think religion’s a ball-ache, take a look at this next set of clips”, which to this day I regret.

So I’d say to Wossy – don’t wowwy about it, you’we awight weally. At least you’re not Michael Barrymore – geddit? Awight? Eh? How funny was THAT? Or should I say Michael Bawwymore, eh?

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I’ll tell you something else that makes me laugh – when someone is carrying a big pile of papers in their arms and then a big gust of wind comes along scattering them EVERYWHERE! How funny is that? Can you imagine what that would look like? All paper flying everywhere and the person going “Oh no! Daaaggghhh, me papers! Whoaahhhh! I need to get to an important meeting!”. Hahahahahaha! They’d look so stupid, wouldn’t they? But it’d be entirely that fictional person’s fault for not using a briefcase, the idiot! Especially if they fell over and some of the papers went in a dog dirt! Tee hee hee!

Speaking of dog’s muck (which is one of the Penky essentials for comedy) I got hold of a false dogshit this morning and put it in my producer’s breakfast. Honestly, you should have seen the look on his face as he calmly took it out and continued eating his breakfast – stitched up like a kipper! I bet he wished he could have had a kipper after that, eh folks? And the best thing is that his name is actually Tim KIPPER!!! Well, not quite, it’s Kipple, but that SOUNDS like “kipper”! Eh? Done up like a Kipple!

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The funniest thing I ever saw was when a man…

Kanye West: Listen, I’ma let ya finish, I’ma let ya finish…

Aggghh, not you again, Kanye! I thought I’d got rid of you in my last column! Hmm…a repetitive, recurring joke…how funny is THAT? It doesn’t get much better than that, does it? Eh, folks? Can you imagine the look on my face? Especially if he cuts

Kanye West: I’ma keep interruptin’, I’ma let ya finish, I’ma keep repeatin’, I’ma keep repeatin’, I’ma keep repeatin’…..(I’ma say the word “etc.” in brackets to save typin’)…

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Join Penky every morning at “stupid o’clock” on Revolution96.2

‘Lotto lout’ offers help to £56m winners

February 19, 2010

Michael Carroll, the so-called ‘Lotto lout’, showed a more compassionate side to his character as he declared his intention to help the £56m Euromillions jackpot winners Nigel Page and Justine Laycock “wherever possible”.

Carroll, 26, is familiar with the pitfalls of the National Lottery after himself having lost £9.7m of lottery money over the past 8 years. Despite this, he has vowed to use his unfortunate experience for the power of good and has generously offered to help the couple throughout the next few weeks as they adjust to life after their massive windfall. He has also lined up several investment opportunities for them in order to help bolster their fortune further, should they wish to do this in the future.

“They’re going to want to look after that money,” said Carroll yesterday, “and fair play to them for doing that. There’s gonna be a lot of maggots and leeches coming out of the woodwork in the next few weeks and they’ll want to be careful they don’t get scammed. My advice to them is to trust no-one, except for me. I’d make sure that they used that money wisely and not fall for anyone attempting to con them.

“With all that money, there’s so much potential – especially if they decide to give something back and invest in, you know, businesses, people, that kind of thing. Imagine what a buzz they’d feel if they invested in, you know, young people – especially people like my mates, who are out of work. There’s a lot of guys in their twenties – myself included – who are out of work and would be grateful to get a bit back, you know. Just to have someone show a bit of faith in them, more than anything…”

The lucky couple told reporters yesterday that they would look after their friends and family following their mammoth win, although Mr. Carroll is adamant they can increase their wealth further from investing in growing businesses: “There’s a lot of good start-ups around my way at the moment and they’ll want to strike while the iron’s hot. I’ve got a mate, right, who collects lead flashings to sell to the trade. It’s all above board and stuff and he makes a few hundred quid a week. But imagine what Neil and Jemma’s money could do for his business. He could rake in at least double what he’s bringing home at the moment, maybe even employ a couple of others, you know. They’d pretty much get their money back in no time.

“Also, right, this other mate of mine gets DVDs of films before they’re released. They’re not pirate copies or anything, they’re the actual films – top quality. Sells them at the local car boot every weekend. Imagine how much he could expand if Nigel and Jane lent him a few grand. I tell you what, yeah, they want to be quick, ‘cos that little business he’s got is a goldmine – it’s going places, I’m serious. Listen, right, there’s a lot of good things Keith and Debbie could do with that £52million. I’m not about to sit back and let them waste it like I did…’ere, lend us a tenner, would ya? I just need to get some fags and stuff. Oh come on…you’ll get it back in a fortnight, straight up. What’s a tenner between mates, eh? I’ll give it yer back whenever I next see you. You tight prick! Yeah, fuck off. Wanker! Fucking prick! Wouldn’t even lend us a tenner, the tight cunt. Oi, mate! Scuse me mate! Can you lend us a twenty? Just ‘til I get to the post office….seriously, you’ll get it back. Swear on me mum’s life….”

ITV cleared to sell Friends Reunited for bargain price

February 18, 2010

ITV have today been cleared to sell off its social networking site Friends Reunited, ending several months of speculation.

Problems have arisen surrounding the potential sale of the site, after several imposters claiming they were from the station posted advertisements in the classified sections of local newspapers across the country, causing misery for tens of members of the public.

One potential customer, let’s call him…hmm, I don’t know, Peter Ian? Yeah, that sounds good. Anyway, Peter Ian yesterday revealed: “I’d been after Friends Reunited for a while and couldn’t believe my eyes when it came up for sale in the paper a few weeks ago. I thought the asking price of £35 was a bit steep, but then again you expect that, don’t you? My plan was to get him down to £30, which I thought was a fairer price for it, given that it’s not as popular as it used to be.

“So I rung this chap and agreed to meet in the local B&Q car park, which, looking back on it now seemed a bit suspicious. But at the time it didn’t register amongst the excitement, although my wife did warn me to be careful, due to the advert only carrying the guy’s mobile number. In hindsight, I should have twigged the whole thing was a con, especially when he pulled up in a small van half an hour late. He reckoned he’d been held up in a meeting with the commissioning editor, but he was wearing a lumberjack shirt and a filthy-looking pair of jeans. When I challenged him on this he said he had changed clothes in the ITV toilets, as he didn’t like to get his suit dirty in the van. He also proved he was genuine by showing me a text from Michael Grade on his phone giving him the all-clear to sell the Friends Reunited site.”

The man, known only as “Jimmy”, then proceeded to show Mr. Ian the website on a laptop he had brought along with him, explaining in detail the site’s functionalities and allowing Mr. Ian to test it by building his own profile. “It all looked fairly legit by this point,” said Mr. Ian, “and once he showed me all the extra features I could get as a fully-registered ‘owner’ of the website, I was sold, and handed over the full £35. I did try and get him down to £30 but he was insistent that it was good value for the price, especially since ITV had acquisitioned it for £170 million just five years ago. As he was walking back to the van I asked him how I could tell if I was the owner of the site, and he replied that it would let me make any changes once I was logged in. It was only once I got back home that I realised I’d been had, and that he had merely given me a straightforward free user account which he now had the password to. I was gutted.”

ITV stressed it had “no involvement” in any of these scams and that a website of the calibre of Friends Reunited would never be sold through a local newspaper for £35. “This would simply never happen,” revealed a spokesperson for the channel. “We have only today been given clearance to sell the site and would expect at least £150-200 for it.”

February 17, 2010

Letts talk about … the Brit Awards 2010

By Quentin Letts

I feel I must begin this piece by expressing my astonishment at how corporate these particular set of industry awards were. Honestly, the entire “event” was as cutting-edge as the side of a Mastercard. Pfftt! Mastercard? Ooh, how rock ‘n’ roll! I think not. Tch! Corporate sponsorship, how pathetic!

The entire awards felt as blunt as a James Blunt record, and at least 10 times as schmaltzy. It didn’t come as any surprise that I didn’t once find Jonathan Ross even remotely funny. Almost all his jokes were met with a miserable silence from the front of my face and his attire was embarrassing to look at. In fact, as I said to someone next to me, it’s time the over-wated Wossy wetweated to Gweat Yarmouth to pwefowm in pantomimes! At least MY joke raised a titter.

Apparently they served some right muck to the 4,000 assembled guests. Aubergine caviar and black olive nougat – disgusting! The mere thought of that dish is enough to make my stomach turn. The “best” was yet to come, however, as the main course apparently consisted of beef loaf with pea crush (yeurch!). It looked like a big lump of dog faeces with snot smeared across the top, by all accounts, and I’m being charitable in saying that.

This was my first Brits. And after the entire excruciating debacle I sincerely hope it to be my last. The place looked to be full of ageing “music” execs who made the two members of Status Quo look hip by comparison. I viewed these poor, late-middle-aged fools with a strange mixture of pity and contempt.

Nice to see two of the Spice Girls could be bothered to grace the event with their presence, although they looked like a couple of trannies, as did Lady Gaga and Florence Machine. I hated them all. Maybe the other Spices (ugly, dirty and old) couldn’t get the time off from working the checkouts at Lidl or something.

It was good to see Dame Shirley Bassey there, though. A bit of class sadly wasted on this god-forsaken pantomime. Although I have to say it was slightly off-putting to have to watch some anonymous Radio Two disc jockey mince up to the stage as camp as an episode of Dynasty. I didn’t catch his name, but then again, I couldn’t have cared less anyway. Mind you, at least he was better than that other Radio Two fop who I can’t stand – Jonathan Woss!

I’m not going to keep harking on about this, but Wossy was simply awful. He wuined an alweady dire cewemony for me, and his jokes were as lame as his gwasp of the letter “r”. What on earth was this ponce thinking going on stage with those silly jeans and a bowler hat? Here was an old man completely out-of-touch with his audience dying in front of our eyes. I can only pray he dies in real life, too.

Liam Gallagher then ruined the event further (Ha! As if that were possible!), strolling on to the stage like he had escaped from the nearest loony bin before erupting in a fury and tossing his microphone into the crowd like a wet lettuce. How very rock and roll. More Van Morrison than Jim, if we’re honest Liam.

Gallagher was pathetic – I’m upper-middle class and I didn’t find this petulant display in the remotest bit frightening, so I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling. He may have been frightening to that Radio Two mincer, but I’ve had scarier dinner party guests than that. Pfftt! Pathetic! Give up, Liam.

So, to summarise, the entire circus was ghastly, garish and gaudy in the extreme, and the “music” was dreadful throughout. The guests were foul and unsightly scum who made me want to vomit throughout the entire evening, not to mention the food, which wasn’t fit for a dog. I thought the Brits 2010 reeked of favouritism and corporate back-slapping and I hated every second of it. And did I mention Jonathan Ross? Tsk!

In fact, it was almost enough to make me switch over to BBC1. Yuck! Rest assured, I shall not be watching again next year. Good day to you!

Curling boom expected in media over next fortnight

February 16, 2010

The media has today begun its two-week process of giving disproportionate weight to the winter sport of curling, with many reporters deciding to “give it a go” for themselves.

Many news outlets are big fans of the ancient Scottish game, often giving large amounts of coverage to the minority pastime – and this year promises even more airtime than 2006.

BBC Breakfast’s Chris Hollins, himself a 4-yearly player, reveals: “I love pretending to get down on the ice and give it a crack, especially during the Winter Olympics. It’s such good fun and literally anyone can play it. It’s a lot like 10-pin bowling, except it’s on ice and there are no skittles – other than that it’s fairly similar, apart from the shape of the ball of course! I don’t want to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I think I’ve got a bit better since last time I had a go – I scored 3 hits today, whereas last quad-annual I only got a double.”

Another pretend-curling-liker is GMTV’s Ben Shepherd, who scored an impressive 4 bullseyes back in 2006: “For me, there’s nothing better than getting indoors and ‘hitting the sheet’, so to speak. Honestly, you can’t beat the sound of the puck as it slides towards the target and thuds into the opponent’s ball – it’s fantastic. It’s a bit like ice hockey, but with a bigger ball and far less violent! The best thing is that practically everyone can turn their hand to it – it’s not too tough a sport like tennis or football, and I’ve yet to land a slab outside of the circle.”

Presenter Jamie Theakston offers a further interesting insight into the much-loved game: “It’s like carpet bowls, only on ice. Plus you don’t have to contend with the difficulty of judging the curve of the stone’s path as you have to in bowling. Apparently it was developed in Holland, of all places, would you believe? The Dutch originally used to slide Edams along a frozen lake and it all kind of came about from there. Am I any good at curling? Well, I’m probably not as good as Zoe Ball, but yesterday I hit three ‘zones’, so I’m not doing too badly.”

Zoe Ball concurs: “Jamie and I are very competitive and I usually beat him at curling, which he hates. I don’t slide the discus thing like he does as it tends to make my knees go a bit cold. I prefer to do the bit with the scrubbing brush as it’s really good fun, plus it keeps you warm, too. I like to imagine I’m doing a bit of hoovering or sweeping up the path – only on ice skates! I love that it’s so accessible and that you can come back to it every 4 years and still do reasonably well each time. This morning, for instance, I scored 30 points, which was really cool…”

The Winter Olympics are due to start in the next few days.

February 15, 2010

The Guardian Guide Singles Review

February 15th, 2010

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SINGLE OF THE WEEK

The Band You’ve Never Heard Of – I Like Boxes (Pious Recordings)

TBYNHO return with a tuneful little ditty dedicated to the wonder of the humble cardboard box.  When we say “return”, we mean to us, rather than to you. Admit it, this is the first you’ve ever heard of them. You probably still think music is about bands like Snow Patrol and Keane, don’t you? It may be in the provinces where you live, but here at Guide HQ we’re enamoured with the sheer chutzpah (go on, look it up) of this Norwegian 3-piece’s solipsistic (go on, get the dictionary again – might as well keep it out for the rest of this column if I were you) ode to the musical merits of cardboard. Indeed, Ralf Fjjiiisck swaps the skins for boxes throughout. A joyous three-and-a-half minutes.

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P – P (Nervous Nigel)

P (Peter Draper) is not a man given to grandiose musical gestures and this minimalistic pedal-steel-guitar-driven broken ballad is no exception. Another pearl from the Nervous Nigel stables, it has to be said (so-called due to its creator Nigel Teake-Pierce experiencing a nervous breakdown after the label went into administration). You’re probably not familiar with the Nervous Nigel record label, buying music, as you do, from labels such as Sony or EMI in stores such as HMV or Virgin Megastore in anonymous provincial hellholes like Staines and Kingston. This song’s fragile, untainted beauty would be wasted on anyone outside of the centre of the N1 postcode area, so don’t bother looking it up or attempting to buy it.

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Dzuzz – Armpit Symphony (Fuck-Your-Aunt)

Asinine (yep, dictionary time again) guitar dirge which yelps into life with a cacophony (keep up) of squawking songbird trumpets more akin to a Sunday afternoon in one of Camden’s retro drinking establishments, replete with the smell of incense. The trill chimes of guitar act as a sobering counterpoint to the Dzuzz staple of panic-laden paranoia-synth, which makes overall for a pleasurable post-post-punk avant-garde half-hour. Wonderful stuff.

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Kasabian – Vlad The Impaler (Sony)

Eurgh! A record people outside of London may actually have heard of? How in Tim Jonze’s name did this get here? This latest effort from Kasabian reeks of desperation, striving as it does to sound even worse than Primal Scream. Way to go, guys. You’ve actually made me like Bobby Gillespie again (who, of course, was only relevant before the release of Screamadelica, which sounded like the smell of Factory Records’ arsehole). Best avoided at all costs – unless, of course, you live in High Wycombe or Hertforshire.

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Arsehole Mudslide – Never Sell Records (Pisspot Recordings)

Arsehole Mudslide are fast becoming one of the most talked-about bands in the Guardian Guide offices – and for good reason, too. This six-and-a-half minute opus (just when you thought it was safe to put down the dictionary) is far better than anything you will ever listen to. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to buy this, so you had better stick to shit like The Killers for now, and leave the real music to the cognoscenti (you’ll find that under “c”).

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[Edited by some prick who wishes he were Alexis Petridis]