ITV turns off BSkyB

BSkyB has reduced its stake in ITV by a whopping 10.4% yesterday, after realising the ailing terrestrial channel’s output was even worse than that of Sky One.

A spokesman for the pay-TV giant confirmed that Sky had reduced their stake from a massive 17.9% to a miniscule 7.5% – a phenomenal 2.5% below the Channel Likey Threshold of 10%.

“We wanted to make a statement to ITV concerning our ongoing disillusionment regarding its output and falling audience figures,” says Peter Ian, who installs domestic packages for the monolithic Murdoch-owned corporation, “so we thought we’d let the money do the talking and purposefully drop our stake some way below the CLT. I mean, you’ve got to be realistic and look at the quality Sky+ offers the consumer.

“You wouldn’t catch us stockpiling cheap daytime US imports such as Maury or Judge Hatchett and filling 99% of our schedule with them…oh…well, OK, but at least we give customers that extra 1% of hugely innovative interactive and 3D services which ITV unfortunately don’t. It’s that 1% which sets us apart from them and Virgin Media, whose only business decision of any note was their recent acquisition of Most Haunted. Oh, and Eddie Izzard doing an American accent. Basically, the only reason we’re keeping 7.5% of ITV is because of Corrie and X-Factor…”

Virgin Media are widely anticipated to take up the slack from Sky’s partial withdrawal and are said to be “excited” about having one word from a spokesperson quoted out of context in relation to a potential share acquisition which has yet to happen. Their spokesperson yesterday revealed: “We’re buzzing [about taking over 10.4% of ITV] at the moment and the future [of ITV] is looking really positive. Virgin Media are making bold steps in the digital entertainment sector [such as the proposed acquisition of BSkyB’s shares in ITV] which we think will offer the consumer greater choice and a higher overall standard [especially in conjunction with a respected media organisation of the calibre of ITV].”

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