Riot police totally break up Park Lane rave

Riot police were required to break up an illegal Park Lane rave last night, after over 2000 wealthy youngsters ran amok in a £1.5m townhouse, leaving several residents aghast.

Officers were called to the scene at around 11pm, but took several hours to disperse the troubled youths, who showered police with Veuve Clicquet and enunciated abuse at officers throughout.

A reveller, known only as “Tim” said yesterday: “The police were, like, totally brutal when it was so obviously not our fault. I mean, they were, like sooo unreasonable – it was a complete infringement of our human rights. We were just trying to, like, chill and stuff, you know? And enjoy some seriously sick tune-age…”

Another partygoer, “Katja”, agreed that police had been heavy-handed in dispersing the riot: “They obviously had no idea who we were. My father makes twice what they earn altogether – I can’t wait to see what he has to say about all this. This is sooo not cool…”

Park Lane is one of London’s most prestigious addresses, and rents can vary from £300 to as much as £1100 with a hotel, second only to Mayfair, which lies two squares to its left. Offenders in this area can be sent directly to jail without warning, with escape only possible through the rolling of two identical numbers on a pair of dice. Although no arrests were made yesterday, several ravers were given stern warnings and ordered to return home immediately without collecting £200.

“Tobes”, who was almost arrested during the uproar, told a reporter: “They’ve obviously got some kind of hang-up about wealth or something. They’re like, so totally jealous and stuff. You can tell that, like, their whole attitude was like, that we’re just these stereotypical rich kids and stuff, you know? And that’s sooo not the case, seriously…I’m so my own person, you know? I’m, like, a complete individual and stuff. I’ve so got my own identity, yah? And I hope you don’t, like, put the words ‘like’, ‘totally’ and ‘stuff’ into my sentences, and stuff, and make me totally sound like some kind of posh twat – which is sooo totally not the case, and stuff…and you’d better not do that with Timmz and Kat, either – Kat’s, like, a real cool chick who so knows what’s going on, and stuff, and Timmz is, like, my bro and a totally sick dude. Like, whatever, yeah…”

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