Steve Penk’s Laboured Comedy Corner

(Sponsored by McDonalds ® – I’m lovin’ it)

Famous for Jon Culshaw’s infamous phone call to Downing Street, Penk revolutionised Revolution Radio by transforming it from a dull, eclectic mix of varied music and ideas into a super-slick, exciting derivative of the Heart FM franchise. Join Penky in his exciting new column in which he muses leaden-footedly over the week’s events, where even the tagline struggles to make its point in a clumsy and roundabout way…

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I don’t know about you, but I had to watch Jonathan Ross’s BAFTA performance through my fingers, folks. Cringeworthy or what? To be fair to old Wossy, he pwobably wasn’t weady to pwesent the BAFTAs so soon after Sachsgate – remember kids, prank phone calls ain’t funny. Unless I’m doing them, of course! MY phone scams don’t upset Ofcom, plus they only end up wasting about 20 minutes of a local business’ time, so tune into your boy Penky for your daily fix of funny phone capers on 96.2 – honestly, my sachs are literally bursting with good ideas!

Incidentally, imagine how funny it would be if Andrew Sachs were to launch his own brand of peanuts – he could call them Nut Sachs – geddit? How funny would THAT be? They’d make a great SNACH, wouldn’t they? Eh? And they could put a warning on the packet: CAUTION – contents may be salty. How hilarious would THAT be?

It’s fair to say nearly every high profile performer goes through a stage like Wossy did last night. Even with a script as polished as Jonathan had for the BAFTAs, a performer can lose their impetus and struggle to deliver a simple joke with a punchline only three times as long as its feed line. I remember a few years ago filming TV’s Naughtiest Blunders IV and being completely unable to deliver a piece to camera linking church-based mishaps to a batch of outtakes involving male presenters getting hit in the balls. All I had to say was “From vestibules … to testicules, now. Take a look at these plums!”, but I couldn’t decide whether to pronounce “testicles” as “testicules” to make sure the viewers got the joke, or whether to pronounce “vestibules” as “vestibles”. I got so confused and lost a lot of confidence over the entire take, and in the end I resorted to saying “If you think religion’s a ball-ache, take a look at this next set of clips”, which to this day I regret.

So I’d say to Wossy – don’t wowwy about it, you’we awight weally. At least you’re not Michael Barrymore – geddit? Awight? Eh? How funny was THAT? Or should I say Michael Bawwymore, eh?

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I’ll tell you something else that makes me laugh – when someone is carrying a big pile of papers in their arms and then a big gust of wind comes along scattering them EVERYWHERE! How funny is that? Can you imagine what that would look like? All paper flying everywhere and the person going “Oh no! Daaaggghhh, me papers! Whoaahhhh! I need to get to an important meeting!”. Hahahahahaha! They’d look so stupid, wouldn’t they? But it’d be entirely that fictional person’s fault for not using a briefcase, the idiot! Especially if they fell over and some of the papers went in a dog dirt! Tee hee hee!

Speaking of dog’s muck (which is one of the Penky essentials for comedy) I got hold of a false dogshit this morning and put it in my producer’s breakfast. Honestly, you should have seen the look on his face as he calmly took it out and continued eating his breakfast – stitched up like a kipper! I bet he wished he could have had a kipper after that, eh folks? And the best thing is that his name is actually Tim KIPPER!!! Well, not quite, it’s Kipple, but that SOUNDS like “kipper”! Eh? Done up like a Kipple!

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The funniest thing I ever saw was when a man…

Kanye West: Listen, I’ma let ya finish, I’ma let ya finish…

Aggghh, not you again, Kanye! I thought I’d got rid of you in my last column! Hmm…a repetitive, recurring joke…how funny is THAT? It doesn’t get much better than that, does it? Eh, folks? Can you imagine the look on my face? Especially if he cuts

Kanye West: I’ma keep interruptin’, I’ma let ya finish, I’ma keep repeatin’, I’ma keep repeatin’, I’ma keep repeatin’…..(I’ma say the word “etc.” in brackets to save typin’)…

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Join Penky every morning at “stupid o’clock” on Revolution96.2

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