NHS to fund treatment for homeopathy

The government plans to ringfence several million pounds of NHS funding specifically for the treatment of homeopathy, according to several parliamentary sources today.

Homeopathy is an illness which is believed by many to be incurable, and often affects middle-class people – particularly those in the media. Research into homeopathy is sketchy, but it is thought to be caused by a tiny microscopic parasite about half the size of an atom which burrows into the brain of liberal-minded people, resulting in poor decision-making and questionable logic, and over time can lead to serial delusion (often referred to as “succusion”). Delusion often persists in sufferers of homeopathy until no trace of their original character is left.

Symptoms of homeopathy are thought to include tie-dyed shirts, sandals and a lack of deductive reasoning. It is currently estimated to cost the NHS over £4million per year and has been a burden on its finances ever since the NHS’s inception in 1948. Homeopathy has remained untreated for over 200 years and was thought to have originated from the scientist Samuel Hahnemann, who slowly turned insane after licking the inside of a piece of tree bark for a bet.

Homeopathy-sufferer Peter Ian welcomes the news, saying: “I’ve had homeopathic tendencies for the past couple of years. I think I caught homeopathy after shagging this hippy bird I met around the time I was backpacking in Goa. I tell you something – she was certainly a Go-a, that’s for sure! Anyway, since then I’ve never quite been the same and I eventually had to see my GP as I was experiencing wellness problems and a complete lack of life-balance.

“Unfortunately, because there’s no treatment for homeopathy on the NHS, I’ve had to seek out alternative practitioners for help with my illness. I’m currently getting treatment from this guy called Andy Smith. He’s been fantastic and he really understands what I’m going through, which is great. I can’t praise him highly enough, to be honest. He’s currently got me on a course of supplements, which, although not proven in any scientific trials, have been extremely effective. They actually work on a ‘like-cures-like’ basis, which sounds really clever. I don’t actually understand it that much myself, so I tend to leave all the scientif-ish stuff to Andy. The service that guy offers is great – he’s actually diagnosed all manner of allergies I never even knew I had, which is incredible. So much for conventional medicine, eh?”

NHS treatment for homeopathy is due to take place from 2011.


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