100% of consumers would gladly take a match to British Gas: survey

An ICM survey of just under 4 people today found that around 100% of households using gas would happily flick a metaphorical match at British Gas and watch it explode from a safe distance.

The poll, conducted over an ICM employee’s lunch hour, showed conclusively the level of public dissatisfaction over the company’s record annual profits, together with the failure of  wholesale price reductions being passed on to the consumer. Just over 95% of those questioned harboured disturbingly pathological tendencies towards British Gas due to having to pay an extra £35 on their annual bill.

“I’d take a knife to the throat of whoever is the chief executive at British Gas plc,” said one disgruntled passer-by yesterday, when told of the company’s huge turnover. “It’s Frank Chapman, is it? Yeah, I’d stick a knife to his neck – I wouldn’t kill him or anything – but I’d make bloody sure he knew how disgruntled I was. I think it’s bloody disgusting how much money that bastard creams off people like you and me. He’d do well to remember that it’s gas users like us that pay his hefty bonuses – not that he’d care.”

Another pedestrian was equally furious with the company, saying: “I often fantasise about stamping on Frank Chapman’s neck. I’d hold my foot on his gullet until the point of suffocation, then fart in his face, so he has no choice but to breathe in my stale, rancid gas as he struggles to recover his breath. Then I’d charge him a fiver for the privilege and wave it in his face whilst laughing like a hyena.”

The final member of the public was initially ambivalent, although, after being interviewed for the survey, revealed: “I honestly wasn’t all that bothered until a few minutes ago. Now, however, I’d love to walk into British Gas headquarters and light a match – just to see the look on those greedy fuckers’ faces. Failing that, I’d take some of my own gas in there – a bit of Zyclon B, let’s see how they’d deal with that. How dare they charge the average British householder a £20-40 more per annum – how is anyone supposed to manage? I tell you something, it might take a few lives lost to really make that point, you know?”

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