Portsmouth football club to relocate to caravan park

Portsmouth Football Club have been forced by administrators into relocating to a small caravan park on the outskirts of the city in order to counter crippling debts, according to a club spokesperson yesterday.

The club, whose nickname is “The Pikeys”, will reconvene all activities to an unused field just outside of the Warren Avenue Industrial Estate with immediate effect. The cash-strapped Southampton-based Premier League outfit have struggled to stay afloat recently, and currently languish 7 points clear at the bottom of the table.

The move will not go unnoticed by Premier League bosses, who are sure to sympathise with their situation by docking more than 8 points from the club, leaving them almost certain to be relegated into the Championship at the end of the current season. “The Premier League is a place where, at the end of the day, pounds make points,” said a league spokesman yesterday, “and at the end of the day, being without money is not going to sit well with the bosses, who take a very dim view of this sort of thing.

“Put it this way, Portsmouth have long been that scum family who moved into the shittest house on the street – you know, the sort of people who think it’s OK to store white goods in their front garden or burn sofas out the back. Basically, the neighbourhood’s never been the same since those gypsies moved in and the sooner this street’s rid of them, the better. I’ll tell you something – no-one round here’s going to miss them, that’s for sure.”

Meanwhile, manager Avram Grant told reporters at the club’s new training base that he was “not entirely comfortable” operating out of a portakabin, and complained that there would be nowhere nearby to buy his lunch: “This is a dreadful situation. The new field is uneven, the grass is too long to play football on and there are scant provisions for fans apart from a small van we managed to salvage, which could be used to sell small polystyrene cups of tomato soup from for 50p a go – if they want something more substantial, they will have to bring packed lunches until we can afford to renovate an old burger van.”

Disgruntled fan Peter Ian summed up the club’s recent fortunes this morning, telling a reporter: “I lent that club £20 two weeks ago in good faith. A club spokesman said that they were in a bit of a ‘tight patch’ and that they would definitely give it me back after next payday, but since then I’ve heard nothing. I doubt they’ll ever pay up, the thieving gypsies. I think in future I’ll support Man United or Chelsea from the comfort of my own home, just like everyone else does…”

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