Token UK nominees fail at Oscars

It was the night everyone was looking forward to throughout Hollywood, but one which ultimately ended in disappointment for Britain’s token Oscar nominees, as all four walked away empty-handed.

Token Brit lead actor Colin Firth, the bookies’ 5th favourite to win Best Actor, was magnanimous in defeat after veteran Jeff Bridges scooped his first ever award: “I’ve always been a big fan of Jeff’s ever since his 1984 epic Starman, and I was among the first to try fighting my way past security in order to congratulate him. Unfortunately I couldn’t quite get to him and ended up leaving early to catch the last bus back to my hotel on the outskirts of town. I didn’t really get to speak to any of the winners, as most of them were in their own groups over the other side of the room and I didn’t want to intrude. On the plus side, I still enjoyed it more than the BAFTAs, and no-one in the lounge area noticed me drinking the two cans of Stella I’d smuggled in, either. Bonus.”

Prime Suspect star Dame Helen Mirren, who was the overwhelming 4th favourite to win Best Actress, said: “I thought Sandra Bullock thoroughly deserved the award at the end of the day. Fair play to her. I called out ‘Bravo!’ as she swept past my table on the way to the stage, but I don’t think she heard me. On her way back I tried to shout ‘Jolly well done!’, but was shooshed by a security guard. I felt terribly embarrassed and ended up making my excuses before heading to the toilets and climbing out of the window. I ran down the boulevard with tears streaming down my face because I was tired and hungry, having missed the dinner – luckily there was a kebab van just round the corner, so it wasn’t all bad.”

Unknown token Brit Carey Mulligan, a late wild-card entry in the Best Actress category, thoroughly enjoyed her first Oscars ceremony: “I couldn’t believe how close I was to all these huge names. It all seemed like a dream. And when Sandra Bullock arrived the reaction was incredible as we all scrambled towards the barrier to catch a glimpse of her dress. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get close enough for an autograph in the end, but the atmosphere was incredible and something which I’ll treasure for a long time.”

It was, however, a dismal evening overall for British talent, as even plasticine-motion-supremo Nick Park left the awards empty-handed: “I was a bit shocked, to be honest. I wouldn’t have said I was a shoo-in, by any means, but I thought I had some chance of winning. Luckily I managed to sneak out a couple of sausage rolls and a scotch egg, so I’m not too disappointed.”

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