FA appoints mystery man as acting Chief

The Football Association has broken tradition following the departure of former Chief Executive Ian Watmore and appointed a man of mystery as his replacement.

Very little is known about Watmore’s successor, although rumour has it he is his early-to-mid forties, of average height and can only be seen in the periphery as a faceless silhouette.

A spokesman for the FA said yesterday: “The board are excited to announce the official appointment of a man of mystery to the role of Chief Executive of the Football Association. We fully believe his lack of any discernable fingerprint, coupled with his ability to move throughout the world’s major cities completely undetected will stand him in good stead over the next nine months.

“We were so impressed with how quickly he operates and how briefly he lingers in the memory that we offered him the job on the spot. Well, not quite. We had to deliver the contract in a plain envelope to an unspecified location in the middle of the night. I think it might have been a disused warehouse or something, but I barely have any memory of it now. When I woke up the next morning, the contract was on my bedside table signed with a solitary ‘X’. Plus the window was open, which was strange, as we live on the fifth floor and I had definitely locked it the previous evening. Also, my wife had a glow about her and was unusually chipper for that time of the morning. Maybe she felt some relief at last, as she’d been as tense as I was over the last week or so.”

The mystery man, known only as “the shadow”, is thought to share the FA board members’ voracious appetite for extra-marital sex and reportedly celebrated his appointment by seducing a string of high profile women, including the wife of a current Premier League football manager. He will continue in the role until December – when the FA is due to find out if it has won the right to stage the World Cup in 2018 or 2022 – or until he is apprehended at an airport and forced to reveal his identity to authorities.

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