B&Q record record profits

Home difficulty giant B&Q have recorded record annual profits following a resurgence in people eventually getting round to doing a few bits and pieces around the house.

The store, which is famous for being three times as tall as it actually needs to be, enjoyed a 50% rise in adjusted pre-tax profits in the year to January 30th, compared with the same time last year.

A spokesman for the Kingfisher group, the retail giant who own the retail giant, revealed yesterday: “This has been an incredible year, there’s no doubt about it. We’re overjoyed with the way the public have taken B&Q into their hearts once again, and the record profit levels over the past year certainly serve to underline that.

“B&Q have always striven to provide excellent customer service and, despite having more members of staff in our adverts than throughout our actual stores, have consistently delivered this. Low staff levels are actually one of our strengths, and the fact we never employ more than 1 staff member per 10,000 square feet saves us millions compared to places like Asda or Homebase.”

Higher mark-ups have also played an integral part in the store’s success over the last twelve months, although Kingfisher’s spokesman insists the upturn in profits isn’t solely down to exercises in penny-pinching: “We wouldn’t want to give people the impression of austerity, as B&Q is a wonderful, vibrant place offering home improvement solutions for all. In fact, we have actually expanded our outdoor operations to include snack food provision for those leaving the store, with the intention of installing a burger van in every B&Q car park by 2012 – an idea which is already paying dividends throughout the southwest.

“Another thing we’ve done to raise the profile of our brand is to ensure we always build B&Q stores right next to Halfords. Customers come out of that store bewildered by the exorbitant prices and the smell of tyres, so by the time they get to B&Q they’re relieved by our comparatively sensible pricing structure, which just about offers value-for-money at a stretch. Also, the smell of burgers tends to lure most of them across the car park.”

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