Hospital food ‘mank’ – expert

The standard of food throughout Britain’s hospitals has been declared “mank” in a report compiled by a leading food expert yesterday.

Professor Peter Ian, who was recently an in-patient at Papworth Hospital in Cambridgeshire, said that food standards were “almost completely disgusting” and that “barely anything was edible” during his two-week admission.

According to the report, Papworth’s staple breakfast of porridge looked “like a dog had sicked up on my plate”, and “tasted like it, too”. Toast also fared badly, with the report describing how the bread had “never shown any trace of being placed near a toaster, let alone in one” and that the butter “spreaded less readily than a chunk of frozen cheese” causing the toast to “fragment like a piece of wet cardboard”.

Lunches fared no better, as the report slammed the “lack of viable alternatives to pre-packaged sandwiches”, together with the “abundance of tomatoes” in the majority of sandwiches served. Fruit also came under fire, as the report blasted how several items “looked like they’d been dropped more times than a whore’s knickers” and “tasted even worse”.

“I’ll tell you something,” the report continued, “you wouldn’t believe the shit they served up for dinner – honestly, it was completely mank” declared the report yesterday. “I’d have sooner starved, I really would. Good god, the evening meals were even more disgusting – I only ate them as my gut was starting to digest itself. The roast beef was like the loose bit of sole flapping about on my slipper and – you guessed it – tasted little better. I really wish I hadn’t needed a damn operation in the first place – next time, I’ll just take my chances,” concluded the report.

Professor Ian’s report has itself come under fire in another damning report, which blasted Ian’s report for containing “more tired-sounding similes than a Garry Bushell column” and that the attempted gags “stunk worse than the arse-crack of a bag of cheese and onion crisps”. The Milton Report, published just two hours after the results of Prof. Ian’s investigation claimed that the professor “bore a grudge as big as Rod Stewart’s ego”, and that his views were “as outdated and moth-eaten as the singer’s wallet”. The report concluded by asking: “Why, if the professor hated the food so much, did he not go out and buy a Macky D’s or something?”

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