Archive for April, 2010

Sensible people continue as normal after mildly amusing Brown gaffe

April 29, 2010

Sensible people have today continued their lives entirely as normal after the Prime Minister amusingly slipped up towards the end of an arduous Labour campaign trail by branding a bigoted pensioner “bigoted”.

Unfortunately, whilst right-thinking, intelligent members of the public continue diligently about their usual business, the British media is still reeling from Mr. Brown’s sensational outburst – with many expected to continue taking the story out of proportion right up until polling day.

A reporter for the Sun newspaper – which recently apologised after famously accusing Liverpool fans involved in the Hillsborough disaster of stealing wallets from and urinating over dead bodies – said this morning: “It’s outrageous. How Mr. Brown thinks he can get away with calling this poor woman a bigot is absolutely disgusting. He may well have apologised, but does that REALLY warrant forgiveness? In my eyes it doesn’t, and I, for one, feel sick to the anus. I spoke to Gillian [Duffy, the pensioner involved in the incident] earlier on and she was in tears – especially after I reiterated the Prime Minister’s outburst for the eighteenth time.

“I discussed with her the possibility that, whilst he SAID she was a “bigot” behind her back, he could have been THINKING a whole lot worse. For instance, he could have been thinking she looked like an old lesbian or that she had a face like a piece of run-over gammon. Or he could have been thinking she was just another sink-estate scum trying to waste his time. Eventually, after seven hours I left, as she was obviously still extremely distressed by all of this – and who wouldn’t be? Mind you, she still didn’t want to vote for Cameron, though, the manky old bitch.”

The Daily Mail – who once championed fascism – were also outraged, with one source revealing: “Gordon Brown has been shown up as a hypocrite, who secretly despises the people he claims to represent. A lot of us here are stunned by this, as it’s a concept so far removed from the principals of our newspaper. It’s just not something we recognise.

“We would have also sent a reporter round to comfort the stricken Mrs. Duffy, but thought it best not to, since the area looked a bit dodgy – you know, with all hoodies, single-parent families and burnt-out cars hanging around. Disgusting.”

Sensible people are expected to cast their votes next Thursday, using the policies listed in each party’s manifesto to help them reach an informed decision on who they feel is best-equipped to govern the country.

I’m Weller jealous of Bono & Sting, admits Paul

April 28, 2010

Former The Jam singer Paul Weller has admitted harbouring feelings of jealousy towards U2 frontman Bono and former Police lead singer Sting.

In an interview with Q magazine, the former Style Council vocalist said that Sting and Bono were both “bankable commodities” who “really know how to sell records”. Weller also went on to compliment the two even further, saying: “They sell out every time they perform – it’s incredible. I, for one, am jealous of their dedication. It’s amazing to think they’re both in their fifties, but are still shifting units like they were thirty years ago.

“At the end of the day, making music is about doing something which appeals to everyone, and I think Bono especially knows the importance of that. He’s a guy who knows his audience and fair play to him for that. I really loved U2 back in 1988 when they all seemed to grow mullets and break America. To me, that was the pinnacle of that band’s career, and you have to hand it to them – they certainly knew what they were doing.”

Weller also singled out praise for Sting’s “dedication above and beyond the realms of conventional instrumentation”, despite his “comfortable wealth”. The former You Do Something To Me singer languished even further plaudits on the former Geordie singer, declaring: “Pound-for-pound, he offers the best value out of all solo artists around at the moment. For me, his character is his main selling point – people really feel they’re getting something genuine with Sting’s records, and his quality hasn’t diminished at all over 30 years.”

Weller, 53, concluded the interview by throwing down the gauntlet to critics of the two singers: “A lot of cynics might say their music is ‘rubbish’, or that they’re ‘conceited’, but I won’t have any of it. You’ve got to have something about you if you’re to survive in this business, and I think Sting and Bono both have great characters. You can’t keep them down. I’ve been out drinking with both of them and I’ve got to tell you, anyone who thinks either of them is conceited has no idea what they’re talking about.

“That’s the thing that annoys me most about the music industry – these gnarly old cynics who get their kicks out of putting down successful and talented musicians, just because they’re a bit old or they’re not musically ‘relevant’ anymore. I especially hate the less successful musicians who try and score cheap points by slagging off their contemporary counterparts in past-their-best music journals – I mean, what sort of desperate prick would do that? Oh…”

April 27, 2010

Tim Minns – columnist of the year

The award-winning columnist who knows things better than anyone

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For Alec Salmond to believe that ANYONE wants to hear his incoherent ramblings on national television shows a supreme level of arrogance – even for a politician. It beggars belief that a man leading a party holding just SEVEN seats in his own country’s parliament (out of 59, if you’re counting) thinks he has some God-given right to offer any kind of comment on the direction of the entire UK. It is enough to make anyone sick. Now I have nothing against the Scottish people, who pay their taxes like everyone else and are entitled to fair parliamentary representation in Westminster – I, indeed, know better than anyone about the concerns of the people of Scotland, due to there being a strong line of Scotch heritage in the Minns ancestry. Where my problem lies is with these jumped-up, devolutionary types such as Salmond, who spent years campaigning for their own separate parliament, only to now turn around and moan that it’s not good enough because they don’t get a national platform with the three main UK political parties. Salmond’s whinge about the fact that, up until recently, he was only allowed to participate in the Scottish leader’s debate is a bit rich, to be honest. You can’t have it both ways, Alec – either you’re in or you’re out. Of course, now he’s managed to allow himself to part with a bit of money (a minor miracle), he’s somehow wangled his way into an upcoming debate on the BBC. No-one outside of Scotland cares about his views (and neither, it would seem, most of those IN Scotland), but here he is, ploughing away regardless.

The man is a joke, and his appearance will only serve to distract viewers from the core issues of this election, as well demeaning his entire country.

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There’s been a lot of talk recently over how newspapers have been supposedly “biased” against certain political parties in the run-up to the General Election. I can assure you that this talk is unfounded, and that all print journalism takes itself extremely seriously across the spectrum. I know better than anyone the need to remain impartial – it comes with the job. We respect our readership and would never pander to political point-scoring in order to sell newspapers. At the end of the day, it’s the public who matter – and I genuinely feel the public would benefit from change. It’s time for some fresh blood, fresh ideas and a fresh approach from a government untarnished by years of mistakes, as Labour currently are.

The Conservatives, under the positive leadership of David Cameron, are well-placed to offer the kind of change this country is crying out for. Of course, it is up to the electorate on polling day just which party they feel possess the necessary credentials to successfully govern through a challenging economic period, but what I would say is think carefully – is another 5 years of Gordon Brown really what this country needs? Cameron offers a solid platform for recovery and the Conservative manifesto offers hope across the board.  His message is positive, decisive and clear – real change comes from everyone across the land contributing to change in a certain capacity, which stops short of any governmental control per se, but involves everyone in shaping government policy going forward. It’s both an important and impressive message, which appears very much to delegate power back to the people of this country. David Cameron knows as well as I do the issues facing the next government. Knowing him, as I do, I can honestly say is a true man of the people, who, despite his privileged upbringing, is fully aware of the realities facing this country going forward. The reality is that this country is broken – society is broken, the economy is in disrepair due to Labour’s frivolity and our collective faith in British politics is shattered. Cameron is the only party leader who understands this and is, I believe, the right man for the job. I think he has the confidence and the dynamism to fix “Broken Britain” and take this country forward. It’s time for change. It’s time for us to face reality.

And from an impartial viewpoint, the reality is clear – there’s only one sensible choice on May 6th

Sky News, Clegg warned

April 22, 2010

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg faces a much tougher challenge ahead of the second leader’s debate this evening, due to it taking place on Sky News.

Mr. Clegg has been warned by leading party officials to “take it easy this time”, as performing on Sky Television is notoriously regarded as a much more difficult proposition and has proved the undoing of several major stars, such as Eamonn Holmes and Harry Enfield.

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said yesterday: “Nick can’t afford to get too clever – after all, this is Sky. The best thing you can do on Sky is play safe – stick to the basics. And don’t, for God’s sake, try anything tongue-in-cheek or with any degree of irony, as you’ll just end up looking stupid. How many times have we seen broadcasters – successful broadcasters – from the terrestrials try their hand on Sky only to end up with egg on their faces? There’s something about that corporation which brings out the worst in even the most capable performers. Maybe it’s the dense residual atmosphere of Murdoch’s unrelenting, bitter, Australian hatred or something, I don’t know.

“What I do know is that, if Nick’s performance on ITV last week was shown on Sky instead, then he’d have looked like a major prick, and David Cameron would have wiped the floor with him. Imagine that – being outwitted by David Cameron. In day-to-day life that just doesn’t bear thinking about, but once you get into the Sky building, the rules change completely. Take the example of Eamonn Holmes, which I know you’ll probably cite in the second paragraph of your story – a few years back he was riding high on GMTV and the National Lottery. He was every housewife’s favourite – a down-to-earth, cheeky chap with an incredibly calm and reliable demeanour in front of camera. He could have turned his hand to pretty much anything – except Sky, of course. Now he’s on Sky, he’s just a miserable, bloated, grey cunt who nobody watches. Talking of miserable, bloated, grey cunts who nobody watches, isn’t Adam Boulton hosting this one? Mind you, he’s a step-up from the host of the last debate, seeing as he’s not a convicted drink-driver.”

The second leader’s debate is set to take place at 10pm on Sky News (Channel 501).

Laurence finally Bowen home after holiday runs Llewelyn to its second week

April 21, 2010

Flamboyant TV interior designer Laurence Llewelyn Bowen has finally managed to arrive home after the recent bout of volcanic ash held up his family’s flight from Mauritius, which was due to land last Thursday.

Bowen, 45ish, revealed how medium-density-fibre boredom had begun to set in, as his family became increasingly restless over the last five or so days as they waited anxiously for news of their departure. In fact, at one point, they were said to be “climbing the partition walls in frustration”.

Although stencilled in for a flight back on Sunday evening, the Bowen family were left bordering on frustration as they were forced to spend the night in a humid airport terminal draped over their luggage like a bright orange chiffon throw across the back of a £199 DFS sofa. They were, however, offered contemporary accommodation until the next flight to Heathrow became available.

Unfortunately, further disaster struck the stricken family as the accommodation was found to have more of a retro-kind-of-vibe going on than expected. The lack of any pastel shades, combined with the abundance of floral wallpaper eventually forced the Llewelyn Bowens to seek refuge on a nearby beach. Although open to the elements, Mr. Llewelyn Bowen said he much preferred the “beachy feel” of the new location, and that it definitely “had the sea thing going on”.

Luckily, after just two further nights, the family were finally PVA-ble to return home once more, much to the relief of no-one whatsoever.

New iPhone prototype found on top of cistern in pub toilet

April 20, 2010

A prototype for the upcoming 4th generation iPhone has been found in the toilet of a pub just outside of London by one of its unsuspecting regular drinkers.

Unemployed odd-job man Peter Ian, who visits the unnamed Kingston pub every weekday from 11am, was initially sceptical of his discovery, until further exploration of the mystery device yielded a wealth of new features set to take the world of smart phones by storm.

When interviewed, Mr. Ian yesterday revealed: “If what I found on top of the bog last night is anything to go by, then this is a must-have for iPhone fans. It was all fully-working and it looked as sleek as anything – I could tell it was legit, as it had the Apple symbol on the back cover and everything. Honestly, you’ve never seen anything like it – it had a full-colour screen, a camera, the lot. I would have brought it with me today, only it’s at my mate’s house at the minute, and he’s out working. Otherwise, I could have shown you. Honestly, it was the dog’s, mate – you could play music on it, films, all sorts.”

When asked if the new unit carried an on-board flash with its camera, Mr. Ian replied: “Yeah, the camera’s flash all right. The pictures looked amazing. Didn’t actually use the camera, mind, but it had a lens on the back which looked the business, mate. And the finish is plush – it’s like a Porsche’s bonnet, mate, you wouldn’t believe it. You could fry an egg on it, seriously.”

Upon being quizzed over the new model’s much-vaunted 4G capability, Mr. Ian responded: “It’s definitely got that as well. You can tell, see, ‘cos on the back it’s got four Gs, so you know it’s the real deal. Plenty of Gs, mate, that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day. The more Gs, the better. To be honest with you, I’m not really bothered about technological stuff. I could sell it to you if you want.”

When asked how much for, Mr. Ian replied: “Well look, ‘cos it’s a prototype, I’ll let you have it for £30, but only if I have the money upfront – literally, my mate won’t let me have it otherwise, and I’m borassic at the moment. Cheers, bud. Listen, come back here and meet me in the car park around 8ish and I’ll bring it to you then. It probably won’t be me, if I’m honest with you, it’ll most likely be my mate – don’t worry, everyone knows him round here. Just ask for him at the bar if he’s not around – you can’t miss him, he’s got brown hair and wears a puffer jacket. He’s alright – bit of a knob, though. Yeah, yeah, I’m just going home for a bit first, but I’ll definitely get him to get it for you when I wake up…”

Story confirms how photo confirms Winehouse-Fielder-Civil reunion – official

April 19, 2010

The opening paragraph set the scene by reiterating Amy Winehouse’s father’s obvious disapproval of his son-in-law, together with his dread of the recently estranged couple getting back together.

But as the couple stepped out in public yesterday for the first time, the paragraph bore much greater meaning than could possibly have ever been imagined before. Indeed the second paragraph served only to underline this further by describing how the couple were pictured holding hands – a defiant move which will only serve to anger Mitchell Winehouse even further, especially when unnecessarily highlighted several times throughout the story.

Revolving entirely around speculation based on one photograph that the couple are now reunited, the entertainment feature continued by obtaining a supporting quote from a member of the public with only slightly less knowledge of the situation than its writer: “Looking at them together, it’s clear to see they’re still very much in love,” said made-up quote-monger Peter Ian yesterday. “Although the long-range shot taken in a car park is grainy at best, you can clearly see in their eyes how much they mean to one another. I think they’re ultimately made for each other, and, although it’s too early to say for definite, this time looks as if they’re back together for good.

“One thing’s for certain, though – Mitch isn’t going to be very happy at all, especially once he reads this quote. In fact, knowing him as I don’t, he’ll be absolutely livid – especially now I’ve mentioned it again. I mean, he’s probably quite a proud man and a typical father, in that no man’s ever going to be good enough for his precious daughter. But that Blake – what a messed-up character. Mitch can’t be happy that his daughter is still with that waster, especially now I’ve gone and mentioned it again. He must be well wound-up by now, particularly now I’ve fanned the flames yet again. I tell you, I wouldn’t want to be in either of their shoes right now…”

The story concluded by deliberately getting Blake Civil-Fielder’s name wrong, before summing up with an alarmingly awful pun loosely disguised as yet another dig at the singer’s father. And although things look happy enough now, this is one Civil partnership that’s sure to leave Mitch Wine-ing.

Snooker players aroused suspicion over ‘broken match’

April 16, 2010

Snooker players Stephen Maguire and Jamie Burnett have been referred to prosecutors after a series of unusual occurrences in a game between the two 17 months ago aroused suspicion among bookmakers,

Cautious scot Maguire, 29, and wily journeyman Burnett, 34, were locked at 2-2 in the UK Championship first round at Telford in December 2008 after two-and-a-half hours of nondescript matchplay, whereupon it is understood that the two players met up in Maguire’s dressing room for a brief chat during the mid-session interval.

Burnett, still 34, was then said to have expressed concern over being able to light a cigarette, as his last match had broken in half. Understandably, the player was reluctant to attempt to light the match, since there was a good chance it would burn his finger as it burst into flame. Maguire was understood to have offered to fix the match in order to avoid this happening. Both players then agreed that fixing the broken match would be the best course of action, and formed a bond in order to achieve this.

The players then returned to the arena, where they were later overheard chatting by an audience member sat behind them. Peter Ian, 41, who was in the Telford crowd, revealed yesterday: “Stephen was telling Jamie about his new yacht, called ‘The Score’ and how he was experiencing trouble fastening the mast. Jamie replied that he would be more than happy to help rig ‘The Score’, telling Stephen not to worry, and that he would do ‘whatever it takes to fix things up good and proper’.

“Later on, Jamie remarked to Stephen about how he had been re-decorating his house over the last few weeks and that, during the clearout, he came across an antique picture frame, which had previously belonged to his great aunt. Unfortunately, due to it having become mouldy, he regrettably had to chuck the frame, and, although he initially felt a degree of guilt over doing this, ultimately realised that chucking the frame was the best thing to do. Stephen replied that he chucked several frames himself the year before due to woodworm, although he reckoned that no-one would have lost out, as there wasn’t much money in them anyway. It was all perfectly innocuous stuff, really, and actually fairly boring, if truth be told. In fact, the only interesting thing to happen in the entire match was when Burnett missed that really easy shot on the black…”

Clegg’s wife blasts ‘patronising’ media

April 13, 2010

The wife of Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has hit out at what she believes to be “patronising” coverage of politicians’ spouses.

Looking radiant in a stunning three-quarter length blue dress, Miriam Gonzales Durantez eloquently described yesterday how certain factions of the UK media have been “patronising, to put it diplomatically”. Durantez, who admirably manages to strike a difficult balance between the busy, jet-setting lifestyle of an international lawyer and the demands of being both a wife and mother, insisted that voters deserved better – and who could possibly argue with someone as shrewd and savvy as THIS politician’s wife?

Certainly not her proud husband, whose countrywide electioneering she incredibly manages to find the time to assist each weekend, despite her already hectic schedule. And certainly not the hundreds of loyal Liberal Democrat followers up and down the country, who have taken to her feisty, outspoken character, which she combines so effortlessly with her supportive and loyal nature, as she tirelessly combines her demanding legal career with her husband’s strenuous election campaign up and down the country.

One party follower, Peter Ian, said yesterday: “I’ve always been a huge fan of the Liberal Democrats, but I think they’ve lacked that killer punch over the years. However, with Mrs. Clegg at the helm, the future is definitely looking a lot brighter. She’s been a breath of fresh air for the party and her presence has certainly raised our profile, if not a few temperatures! It’s obvious Nick thinks the world of her – and who can blame him, eh? She’s an absolute peach! And you can tell how devoted she is to him – you can see it in her eyes how much she adores her husband. Mind you, if she ever changes her mind, there’ll be a fair few of us to choose from, you mark my words. What a beauty! Anyway, I hope you quote what I say verbatim and refrain from filling it with cheap, tabloid lingo designed to push your own agenda. My mum could be reading this, you know…”

Whether the Liberal Democrats can make any major political inroads remains to be seen, although one thing’s for certain – with her natural good looks and fragrant personality, this is one political vixen set to capture the hearts of millions of prospective voters over the upcoming weeks. And don’t be fooled by the good looks, either – underneath lurks an intelligent, fiercely determined and highly capable woman who definitely means business…

Fox: ‘I have a natural fear of ad-hoc story lines’

April 12, 2010

Lost star Matthew Fox would be no good on a real-life fictitious magical island with confusing and often contradictory plots, as he admits he’s “afraid of ad-hoc story lines”.

The actor, who plays Jack Shephard, admitted in a recent interview to having never before worked with ideas written off-the-cuff, then fudged to fit in with those of previous series. He was also candid when revealing his fear of the show’s constant changes, saying: “Most days, I just turn up and hope it’s still being filmed in the same building. I live in constant fear of someone, say, pulling a lever and the whole thing ending up in the mid-1970s, especially if they still used colloquialisms from this decade.”

Fox, 42, also revealed how the cast are often kept in the dark regarding plot developments– in some cases not finding out until a few minutes before filming: “Halfway through series 3, I remember I was having a sandwich with Evangeline [Lilly, who plays Kate Austen] during a break in filming, when Damon Lindelof came up to me with this massive costume beard thing, saying I had to wear it in the next scene, as my character apparently goes mental, and that beards in Lost are directly proportional to a person’s state of mind. I thought he was taking the piss at first, but he continued holding the beard in his outstretched hand and looking at me earnestly, as if he knew something important that he wasn’t allowed to tell me for whatever reason. I instinctively took it, although I still thought there might be some kind of catch and I wasn’t entirely sure if I could trust him or not.

“Honestly, it does my head in, sometimes. I never had any of this during Party Of Five. I knew where I was with that show. I knew I could turn up at 6am, put in an honest day’s work and leave at 9pm without anything hanging over me. With Lost, I often find it difficult to stay in the loop. My wife helps me get into character by moving everything around the house while I’m out filming and acting strangely whenever I end up getting home. One day I got home about a couple of hours after she did and was struck the moment I walked in the door by this thick black smoke accompanied by a strange rattling sound. I thought she’d pulled out all the stops and created a sort of ‘smoke monster’ like in the show – until, that was, I discovered she’d burnt some roast potatoes in the oven and the rattling was actually coming from her frantic attempts to scrape them off the baking tray into the bin.”

The final episode of Lost is due to be written on May 22nd.