Darren Day banned

Entertainer Darren Day has been served with a 3-year ban by Edinburgh magistrates after causing six unplanned pregnancies whilst driving and for failing to provide a specimen when apprehended by officers in November last year.

The star – who was recently arrested for  wearing cocaine under the influence of non-contraception and being drunk in possession of Suzanne Shaw – was pulled over by police last year after his car was seen to be “violently jerking” from side-to-side whilst stationed in busy rush-hour traffic.

Arresting officer Peter Ian said yesterday: “We were parked up one afternoon and nothing much was happening, when suddenly, this flashy silver Mercedes with the number plate D1 DAY pulled up at the lights. I twigged who it was immediately, as the windows were literally saturated with theatre-sweat and he’d caused at least three pregnancies in my family that I knew of since the beginning of the Edinburgh run.

“Although he wasn’t actively committing any sort of traffic violation, we decided to pull him over as we noticed he had a number of female passengers and were curious to see what sort of birds he was bagging since he’d turned 40 and started receding. Initially it was difficult to make anything out when he first opened the window and the stench of cheerful cockney-sex almost made me gag. When the vapours cleared, it became apparent he was still knocking off stage actresses in their mid-twenties as per usual. We made each of them take a roadside pregnancy test and our worst fears were confirmed – all six tested positive. The fear in his eyes was a picture to behold as he instinctively attempted to run away from the scene, only to fall face-first into a bush due to his trousers and pants being caught around his ankles. I think that enduring image really serves to sum up his entire life, and, through jealousy more than anything, we were hoping the judge would serve a castration order, although an outright ban is probably best for now.”

Day, 41, who has previously served time for infidelity under the influence of showtunes, told assembled reporters yesterday that he was “disappointed” with the ruling and that he fully intended to let his “penis do the talking”.

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