Archive for May, 2010

World Cup set to upset gullible fans via ticket scams

May 28, 2010

Gullible World Cup fans across the country could suffer the ultimate heartache over the course of the World Cup, with many set to miss England missing penalties as a result.

Unintentional buyers of bogus tickets could face further humiliation over the next month in the form of articles attempting to use terrible football-style humour in order to highlight their plight to others. This could leave many England fans experiencing an all-too-familiar heartache and the kind of disappointment associated with losing to Germany on penalties.

Sky Sports presenter Jeff Stelling, an expert in steering any subject back towards that of football, says of the scam: “I think the sale of bogus tickets through the internet is dodgy, really dodgy. It reminds me of the financial irregularities that occurred under Terry Venables all those years ago. What a disgrace that was. He was lucky not to go to prison. Of course, he can have a laugh about it over a beer or two nowadays. Old El Tel, eh? What a character.

“Of course a bogus ticket is no laughing matter at the end of the day. It’s like Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle side of the 1996-97 season in that it looks like the real deal, but ultimately it’ll leave you ranting incoherently like Keegan did, back in January 1997. Remember that? He was incandescent wasn’t he?  A lot of the crew at the time were terrified, although he could have a laugh about it over a beer or two afterwards. Good old Kev, eh? Top guy.”

Stelling, who brings his wealth of footballing knowledge to Channel 4’s flagship words and numbers quiz Countdown each weekday afternoon, sounded a warning to potential ticket-buyers looking to buy World Cup packages online: “Always look for the official FIFA logo when purchasing tickets on your computers, folks. Or better still don’t buy online at all. Remember, online isn’t OVER the line, like that goal which was disallowed at Everton some time back. Of course, Walter Smith was fuming immediately after the match, but he could have a laugh about it over a beer or two once he’d calmed down.

“Even if you did manage to get to the World Cup on a false ticket, you wouldn’t enjoy it quite as much, I’d wager. You’d probably feel somewhat out-of-place throughout – just like one of Paul Merson’s front teeth, which fell out during an extraordinary 6-hour live episode of Sky Live Super Soccer Saturday. The irony is that the show’s actually sponsored by Gillette razorblades, which is a bathroom item, much like toothpaste, which is, you could speculate, something Paul could have used a bit more regularly. You could say his upper set was down to 10 men that day. Goodness knows how he finished with such a massive gap up-front – any midfielder worth their salt, such as Matt Le Tissier, would capitalise on that, but somehow he held on until the final whistle. Of course, after extensive dental reconstruction he could have a laugh about it over a beer or two. Good old Paul…”

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Swash the problem? Kara Swashes hands of Joe

May 25, 2010

Ex-Eastenders actress Kara Tointon and ex-Eastenders actor Joe Swash have decided to end their relationship after a series of rows between the pair began to threaten their pantomime careers.

It is thought that Swash buckled under the public’s expectations since winning I’m A Celebrity back in 2008, leading to arguments between the pair in the run-up to Christmas last year. Sources close to the couple have revealed that, although she misses having Joe around, Kara has Swashed any chances of a reunion after she was seen tearfully moving her belongings out of the home they have shared together for the past year.

A spokesperson for the pair said yesterday: “If you get to the third Kara-graph of the article and you’re struggling to make puns out of their names, then don’t panic. I mean, you could always say it was a Toint decision, or that he’s not been his usual Joe-vial self. If you’re really scratching around for something, don’t forget their character names in Eastenders. I mean, did it suddenly Dawn on her that he was taking the Mickey, or did she just Swann off one morning? Had she had her fill-er of [the bloke who used to play] Mickey Miller?

“You could widen the net even further in the next paragraph. For instance, is it truly the ‘Ender the road for them? Was one of them BBC-ing someone else on the side? Once you’ve exhausted all those options, the other thing you can do is to randomly speculate about the cause of their problems by deliberately confusing them with their on-screen characters (who they no longer play). I mean, the fact that Dawn got pregnant to someone who used to be a violent criminal can’t have helped the situation. Nor can the fact that Joe, sorry, Mickey, spent all his spare time down the Queen Vic … I know he didn’t, but no-one really remembers his character anyway. Plus, by the end of the fourth paragraph you’re pretty much just making stuff up to fill space.”

The spokesperson concluded by adding: “Hang on a minute – Kara models George at Asda’s lingerie line, doesn’t she? Shit, I forgot about that. You could have said that the George-eous actress, 26, Asda face up to life on her own, and that she’s frightened of being left on the shelf, or something. Damn. I bet you wished you’d thought of that earlier. By now, you’ll probably want to round off this god forsaken article– the best thing you could do here, if you’re a tabloid, is to say something chauvinistic along the lines of: Good news, lads. Kara’s back on the [super]market…”

Duchess apologises for talking gibberish during undercover sting

May 24, 2010

The Duchess of York has apologised for her recent terrible grammar which occurred during an undercover sting by the News Of The World newspaper last week.

Sarah Ferguson, 50, said that she had “taken my own senses on, you know, a kind of leave of absence, if you know what I mean”, adding that she was “it’s like, you know, that, I’m apologising, you know” and that she promised to “clean my, um, clean the old act up in futuristic times, you know”.

In a video on the News Of The World website, the Duchess is seen clearly attempting to confound reporter Mazher Mahmood, who was disguised as an undercover reporter for the purposes of the sting. She was overheard telling him: “£500,000 when you can, to me, open doors, if you know what I mean. Oh you don’t. Um – how can I put this? The doors, they will, you know, not exactly be in a closed situation if, the money, you know, gets … you know. If the £500,000 just, you know, into my account gets, so to speak. The door-age will revolve upon its hinge-age, if you get what I’m squawking about.”

Asked if she could repeat this in some semblance of English, she replied “Yeah”, before shaking hands with the reporter and apparently accepting a $40,000 (£27,600) cash down-payment. When asked by Mahmood’s fake undercover reporter about how to transfer the rest of the money, she apparently replied: “It’s simple in that you just, you know, into the, you know … the money. Then that, is then like, then you open up all the channels whatever you need, whatever you want, and then that’s what and then you meet Andrew and that’s fine. And that’s, that’s when you really open up whatever you want. And if you don’t, you know … you know, you’ll always be thinking, you know, the opportunity and stuff, you know. And then it’s like, you know, the time has passed and then, you know, regrets come into it. The overall picture is to be looked at, you know, not to lose sight of, at any time in the, ahem, the exchange of, shall we say, mutual beneficacy, et cetera.”

When Mahmood later confronted the Duchess with the recording, Ms. Ferguson said: “Oh, so you were just pretending to be an undercover reporter all along. Well, to be honest, I kind of, you know, thought that might have been the, um, the truth, so to speak. If you don’t go … you know, to the … yeah, I’ll make it, if you like to think of it in this way, financially, you know … basically, you could make … and yeah, for life you’ll be … you won’t ever need to, kind of … yeah, work, you know? No rush, or anything, whatever you want, as Status Quo once … you know…”

Britain sicking up for World Cup

May 21, 2010

The UK is set to go into further financial meltdown as thousands of workers across the country are planning to go workshy-crazy over the next few weeks as part of the “Sick Up For The World Cup” campaign.

The campaign is the brainchild of Peter Ian, who by day is involved in the manufacture of sellotape, but outside the confines of his workplace is – like millions of others across Britain – a rabid England football supporter.

Speaking yesterday, Mr. Ian declared: “This is shaping up to be the best World Cup yet and no-one in their right mind wants to miss a single second. This campaign is about everyone putting work to one side for a few weeks and really getting behind the England boys. I mean, who wants to be stuck inside some sweaty office when they could be at home watching England take on France in the quarter finals?

“Now we’re not actively encouraging people to skive off work, as that would be deceitful and unreasonable. What we’re saying is that if, by chance, you happen to get sick over the next few weeks, then you may want to make your workplace aware of this so they can organise cover. For example, if you were to unwittingly eat some out-of-date dips which have been in the cupboard for some time, you may feel fairly ill after doing so. The correct and sensible course of action in this instance would be to give as much notice of this as possible to your place of work and inform them that you will return as soon as you are able. Then you can crack open the beers without guilt, sit back and watch the lads bring it home.”

Mr. Ian believes the campaign’s idea of “assisted sickness” will help many England fans overcome the anxiety of missing crucial fixtures due to work and that it operates entirely within Employment Law: “SUFTWC is not a case of ‘Cross Your Fingers’, it’s more a case of ramming those fingers down the back of your throat as accidentally as possible in order to create the opportunity to watch people who earn more in a week than you do in 3 years losing on penalties in the quarter finals yet again. Whilst wearing a St. George’s flag like a cape, of course.”

England fan Tony Mick said yesterday: “It’s going to be mental – the whole country’s going to come to a standstill during the next few weeks, as literally EVERYONE will be following the fortunes of Rooney and the lads in South Africa. I’ve got my flags, my England shirt and a fridge full of beers ready for action and I can’t wait! I’ll be there, along with everyone else across Britain, on the evening of June 9th with my head down the toilet bowl and tears streaming down my cheeks, forcing myself to vomit with pride. Come on, England!”

We are not amused, say listeners

May 18, 2010

Listeners to BBC West Midlands switched off in their tens yesterday after weekday presenter Danny Kelly had an inappropriate remark taken more out of context than it should have been.

Kelly, 39, appeared to announce that “Queen Elizabeth II has now died” before qualifying his statement by clarifying that he was referring to a listener of the show, whose name just happened to be Queen Elizabeth II.

Unfortunately, this explanation didn’t wash with a small proportion of the listenership, including regular BBC WM listener Peter Ian: “I think that to insult your superiors in such a manner is disgusting in the extreme. OK, if it had been a homeless person or a job-seeker, you wouldn’t mind so much, but to make such a remark about the Queen is just unforgivable – I’m angry just thinking about it. Imagine how different life would be if the QUEEN were to – God forbid – CHOKE ON A PIECE OF VOMIT IN HER SLEEP, or – I can’t believe I’m even saying this – FALL OUT OF AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW. Of course, it goes without saying that you quote these remarks in the context they’re clearly intended.”

This isn’t the first time Kelly has come under fire for being taken out-of-context when it comes to Royal Family members. In December 2003, the presenter was fined £1000 after describing how he nicknamed his favourite chair “Prince Edward” and how the pattern on its seat resembled a person’s face. Several listeners switched off after he declared: “I’m knackered, folks. I think I’m gonna go home, strip down to my pants and sit on Prince Edward’s ‘face’ once this is all over”. He was also reprimanded for a remark concerning his preferred brand of cigarettes, Rothmans’ Royals. In July 2008 Mr. Kelly declared: “[the] Royals are a great collection of fags in my opinion – I won’t have a word said against them…”

Despite widespread criticism for his recent remarks, Mr. Kelly has received support from several others in his industry, with Steve Peters from Radio Solent declaring live on his “Crazy Wake-Up” show earlier today: “I can’t believe it has come to this – soon we won’t be able to say anything without SOMEONE being up-in-arms about it. I remember a few years back how a listener asked me what my favourite Smiths album was, to which I answered ‘The Queen Is Dead’, which is the automatic choice amongst Smiths aficionados. The minute I said that, the emergency tape loop of the national anthem kicked in and the Isle Of Wight was in mourning (in the morning) for several days. I’d never known anything like it. The next week, I was forced to read an on-air apology saying that I was sorry and that the best Smiths album was, in fact, ‘Hatful of Hollow’, even though everyone knows it was just a bunch of cobbled-together B-sides and live recordings. It’s unbelievable, it really is. Anyway, after the break, we’re back with Fine Young Cannibals followed by Simply Red.”

Robbie Williams called up for World Cup anthem

May 14, 2010

Singer Robbie Williams has finally achieved a lifelong dream after being called up to perform on the upcoming World Cup anthem – another reworking of the 1996 hit Three Lions.

This will be the first time that Williams, 35, has ever sung on a football track and the former Take That star is said to be “nervous, but excited” by the challenge ahead. It is thought he has spent the past fifteen years pretending to like football to such an extent that he achieved a level of proficiency which merited several call-ups to play Celebrity Football alongside stars such as MC Harvey and Ralf Little.

A spokesperson for the Advertising Space singer said yesterday: “Robbie is thrilled with the news, especially given the amount of practice he has put into singing terribly for the last five years. I always thought he had it in him to feature on a football song at some point, especially after his performance on the X-Factor at the end of last year. He was every bit the karaoke-style vocalist this kind of record requires – especially when he had his arm round Olly Murs and the pair of them were simply jumping up and down, shouting out lyrics and generally having fun, which is what these terrace anthems are all about.

“The training has been intense, no doubt about it. Robbie’s really thrown himself into the new regime, which consists mostly of drinking heavily, sweating and shouting ‘Get in!!!’ for up to 3 hours every evening. Honestly, I’ve never seen anyone with such hunger. He wants this so badly he’s been eating up to 4 or 5 Ginsters every lunchtime. Slowly, but surely, he is becoming more and more bloated and obnoxious by the day. It’s been incredible to witness his remarkable transformation over the past few months. He is now more than man enough to feature on a football record – plus his best days are way behind him, which also helps.”

Mr. Williams told reporters yesterday: “Get in!!! I’m well made-up, mate. At the end of the day it’s about the fans at the end of the day, mate. Tell you what, mate, Gerrard, yeah? Yeah? Lampard, mate, that’s what it’s all about, mate. Get stuck in, mate, work the ball around, movement, that’s what you need to do. Get in!!! Lampard’s bird, though, mate…you would, wouldn’t you? Eh? Phwoooaaarrr!!! You know what I’m talking about, mate. You fuckin’ would, mate, just to disguise your latent homo…oh…uh, listen, mate, at the end of the day, football’s gonna be the winner when all’s said and done, mate. I’m gonna be wearing the Three Lions with pride until we lose in the quarter-finals on penalties – at which point I’ll probably get drunk and shag loads of birds – get in!!!”

Deputy PM Clegg signals a new kind of change

May 12, 2010

The new Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has expressed his aim to offer a “new kind of change”, which is said to be different from any change promised before.

The change, set to take place “at a time when the dust has settled and it is deemed most appropriate to the public interest”, will most likely involve an overhaul of the outdated and much-derided “first-past-the-post” system, replacing it with a fairer, more representative voting method. The new method will involve voters ranking prospective parliamentary candidates in order of preference, with the first past the post becoming duly elected as an MP.

Speaking yesterday evening, Mr. Clegg urged voters to “keep faith” as the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats attempted to form “a new kind” of government: “This is a unique opportunity to deliver the kind of changes you and I, and, most importantly, the Conservatives believe in. Gone are the days of obfuscation, tired clichés and non-specific promises to the electorate. It’s time for change.

“It’s time for us to all work together in an open and productive manner to form a strong and stable government which best serves the interests of both parties. We need to move forward from the slick, meaningless buzzwords and concentrate on the kind of change which can deliver a fairer, more open Britain we can all believe in. Both parties agree in principle over the need to do away with needless rhetoric and empty platitudes, which should pave the way to creating a brighter and fairer future for all. It’s time for all of us to unite together and make the positive step towards permanent, lasting change. And real change can only come from … hang on a minute. Dave! Dave! … I think we’ve got each other’s scripts. What does it say at the top of yours? Yeah, look, see, you’ve got my one. My fault, sorry about that, mate. There you go, cheers. Right. What does this say here…?

“This is a unique opportunity to deliv…oh, for fuck’s sake…”

Chelsea thrash Wigan £76million-£0.5million to win Premier League title

May 10, 2010

Heroic Chelsea £ootballers thrashed their Wigan counterparts by an incredible £75.5million margin to claim the English Premier League title on Sunday.

Realistically, lowly northern club Wigan didn’t stand a chance over 90 minutes when confronted by the imposing finances of Chelsea’s unstoppable dream-team, who scooped the title in some considerable style yesterday. Chelsea’s overall value yesterday proved too much even for their closest rivals Manchester United, who, despite comfortably out-earning Stoke City at Old Trafford, only managed to finish the season on £75.9million, meaning Chelsea clinched the title by a mere £100,000 – enough to buy Luton Town outright.

Chelsea fan Peter Ian said yesterday: “At the end of the day, the lads played a high-value game worth millions – just like they’ve been doing all season. Put it this way – when you’ve got players like Drogba, who’s worth nearly as much as the whole of Aston Villa, you’re going to win titles, it’s as simple as that. At the end of the day, it’s the right result and the richest team won at the end of the day.

“At the end of the day, right … wait a minute, I know what you’re planning. I can see it in your eyes. You’re going to append everything I say with the phrases like ‘at the end of the day’, ‘put it this way’ and ‘simple as that’. Don’t make out like you’re not, because at the end of the day, that’s what you’re going to do – simple as that. Put it this way, I’ve got a corporate box – do you think, at the end of the day, I’m the sort of person who would spout that sort of rubbish? I’m actually far more articulate than that at the end of the day. Put it this way, when I go to watch the Blues, I’m normally wearing a suit and viewing the match through a window – do you think that’s typical of Premier League supporters? OK, maybe it is, but put it this way – I wouldn’t be saying ‘at the end of the day’ all the time, simple as that.”

Financially-prudent Arsenal finished 3rd with £73million while their bitter North London rivals Tottenham Hotspur ended the season just behind, after a late revenue surge took them to an unexpected 4th place finish. All four teams now qualify for the opportunity to lose to less financially viable European clubs in next season’s Champions League.

Cameron gets “the teeth of approval” from Cowell

May 5, 2010

Lucky leader David Cameron has become the envy of millions, having had one of the most sought-after honours bestowed upon him this week – Simon Cowell’s teeth of approval.

Mr. Cameron’s rendition of “Real Change Comes From Everybody Else” was an instant hit with Cowell, who flashed his approving teeth in THREE separate cutaways over the now-familiar musical bed of Chasing Cars, by Snow Patrol.

The Tory hopeful, 44, said yesterday: “Whilst the majority of the judges were already on our side, we certainly weren’t taking anything for granted, as Simon Cowell’s view is arguably the most crucial to any future success. When we watched it back and saw the teeth we were overjoyed – there aren’t many people who can say they’ve achieved the full extent of Simon’s L.A. smile, so we’re obviously very encouraged by this going into the election on Thursday. In fact, we’re all smiles…”

Simon Cowell’s teeth of hope are thought to have cost in the region of £20,000 and are seen by many as a sound indicator of potential success. Previous recipients of “the teeth” include Newcastle duo Journey South, P&O soul legend Steve Brookstein and Scottish sensation Leon – whose surname is very difficult to remember.

Cowell, 50, told reporters: “I think we’ve just seen our next Prime Minister, I really do. I mean, here is a guy who really knows about the value of money – someone who isn’t afraid of people rolling up their sleeves and working hard. What I like about him most is that he’s got the likeability factor – he’ someone I could really work with. If I did end up working with him, I’d probably give him some fairly obscure stuff to do, then bring in a choir halfway through. Alternatively, I may well have him copying the ideas and techniques of those who are far more successful, but not necessarily in the forefront of most people’s minds.

“In fact, if I really were as ironic and self-referential as I’m being portrayed in this quote, I could latch him on to something which is already popular and culturally significant – that way, he would easily resonate with many voters across the country and prove to be a ready-made success. Failing that, I’d get Cheryl Cole to mentor him…”

Result “in the bag” – Cameron

May 4, 2010

Conservative leader David Cameron believes weeks of schmoozing will finally pay off this coming Thursday, assuring Tory followers that victory was “in the bag”.

Relaxing with a glass of lager and cigarette, the Prime Minister-in-waiting told an assembled group of Conservative party members he had “big plans” for the “arrangement of furniture” at number ten, including the installation of a wartime cabinet in the corner of the lounge.

Mr. Cameron said yesterday: “The first thing I’m going to do is get someone to open some of the windows and get a bit of air going round the place. The inside of number ten has become stale and musty, and many of us believe it’s high time this were changed. And real change, insofar as breathable air is concerned, can only come by people opening the windows and allowing in the wind of change.

“The second thing I’m going to do is install a 42-inch flatscreen HD-ready TV on the side wall of the lounge, and I can assure you of one thing – it will definitely have surround sound, unlike Mr. Brown’s old Nicam stereo unit. Who uses Nicam digital stereo anymore? A vote for Labour is a vote for cathode-ray tubes, single-speakers and UHF leads all over the place. A Conservative government would ensure this wasn’t the case, by using SCART connectors wherever possible and keeping needless wiring to a minimum. To that end, we would also look to install Sky Multiroom, which would actually save expenditure in the long term.”

The Tory leader insisted that the Conservatives would not take anything for granted until after they had won the election: “Look, I’m not going to sit here and say that there will definitely be this set of curtains here or that particular armoir over there, or that I’ll be moving the study upstairs so as to make use of the better light. That’s not what I’m going to say. What I am going to say is that there will be furniture, and that furniture will need to be arranged in a specific way. Under Labour, you’re faced with the possibility of unchanged furniture items at number ten for another five years, and with Liberal Democrats you just don’t know what kind of items they’re going to get. For the electorate, the choice on Thursday is clear – a vote for Conservatives will ensure sensible upholstery with the right values, plus tighter controls on who we allow inside, with a strict shoes-off policy in operation throughout the hallway. A vote for the other parties will mean five years of arguments over whether textured wallpaper provides adequate insulation or not, and uncertainty over the direction of future carpeting.”