Result “in the bag” – Cameron

Conservative leader David Cameron believes weeks of schmoozing will finally pay off this coming Thursday, assuring Tory followers that victory was “in the bag”.

Relaxing with a glass of lager and cigarette, the Prime Minister-in-waiting told an assembled group of Conservative party members he had “big plans” for the “arrangement of furniture” at number ten, including the installation of a wartime cabinet in the corner of the lounge.

Mr. Cameron said yesterday: “The first thing I’m going to do is get someone to open some of the windows and get a bit of air going round the place. The inside of number ten has become stale and musty, and many of us believe it’s high time this were changed. And real change, insofar as breathable air is concerned, can only come by people opening the windows and allowing in the wind of change.

“The second thing I’m going to do is install a 42-inch flatscreen HD-ready TV on the side wall of the lounge, and I can assure you of one thing – it will definitely have surround sound, unlike Mr. Brown’s old Nicam stereo unit. Who uses Nicam digital stereo anymore? A vote for Labour is a vote for cathode-ray tubes, single-speakers and UHF leads all over the place. A Conservative government would ensure this wasn’t the case, by using SCART connectors wherever possible and keeping needless wiring to a minimum. To that end, we would also look to install Sky Multiroom, which would actually save expenditure in the long term.”

The Tory leader insisted that the Conservatives would not take anything for granted until after they had won the election: “Look, I’m not going to sit here and say that there will definitely be this set of curtains here or that particular armoir over there, or that I’ll be moving the study upstairs so as to make use of the better light. That’s not what I’m going to say. What I am going to say is that there will be furniture, and that furniture will need to be arranged in a specific way. Under Labour, you’re faced with the possibility of unchanged furniture items at number ten for another five years, and with Liberal Democrats you just don’t know what kind of items they’re going to get. For the electorate, the choice on Thursday is clear – a vote for Conservatives will ensure sensible upholstery with the right values, plus tighter controls on who we allow inside, with a strict shoes-off policy in operation throughout the hallway. A vote for the other parties will mean five years of arguments over whether textured wallpaper provides adequate insulation or not, and uncertainty over the direction of future carpeting.”

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