Chelsea thrash Wigan £76million-£0.5million to win Premier League title

Heroic Chelsea £ootballers thrashed their Wigan counterparts by an incredible £75.5million margin to claim the English Premier League title on Sunday.

Realistically, lowly northern club Wigan didn’t stand a chance over 90 minutes when confronted by the imposing finances of Chelsea’s unstoppable dream-team, who scooped the title in some considerable style yesterday. Chelsea’s overall value yesterday proved too much even for their closest rivals Manchester United, who, despite comfortably out-earning Stoke City at Old Trafford, only managed to finish the season on £75.9million, meaning Chelsea clinched the title by a mere £100,000 – enough to buy Luton Town outright.

Chelsea fan Peter Ian said yesterday: “At the end of the day, the lads played a high-value game worth millions – just like they’ve been doing all season. Put it this way – when you’ve got players like Drogba, who’s worth nearly as much as the whole of Aston Villa, you’re going to win titles, it’s as simple as that. At the end of the day, it’s the right result and the richest team won at the end of the day.

“At the end of the day, right … wait a minute, I know what you’re planning. I can see it in your eyes. You’re going to append everything I say with the phrases like ‘at the end of the day’, ‘put it this way’ and ‘simple as that’. Don’t make out like you’re not, because at the end of the day, that’s what you’re going to do – simple as that. Put it this way, I’ve got a corporate box – do you think, at the end of the day, I’m the sort of person who would spout that sort of rubbish? I’m actually far more articulate than that at the end of the day. Put it this way, when I go to watch the Blues, I’m normally wearing a suit and viewing the match through a window – do you think that’s typical of Premier League supporters? OK, maybe it is, but put it this way – I wouldn’t be saying ‘at the end of the day’ all the time, simple as that.”

Financially-prudent Arsenal finished 3rd with £73million while their bitter North London rivals Tottenham Hotspur ended the season just behind, after a late revenue surge took them to an unexpected 4th place finish. All four teams now qualify for the opportunity to lose to less financially viable European clubs in next season’s Champions League.

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One Response to “Chelsea thrash Wigan £76million-£0.5million to win Premier League title”

  1. Rob Says:

    Can I say on behalf of the team here at Schport.com, that:

    a) We found this very funny – consider yourself bookmarked.

    b) We are huge fans of blog category name you posted this to!

    (We’d love you to feature our site sometime… and we’d do the same on our blog in return – email me; rob [at] schport [dot] com if that appeals at all!)

    Keep up the good writing…

    R

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