Swash the problem? Kara Swashes hands of Joe

Ex-Eastenders actress Kara Tointon and ex-Eastenders actor Joe Swash have decided to end their relationship after a series of rows between the pair began to threaten their pantomime careers.

It is thought that Swash buckled under the public’s expectations since winning I’m A Celebrity back in 2008, leading to arguments between the pair in the run-up to Christmas last year. Sources close to the couple have revealed that, although she misses having Joe around, Kara has Swashed any chances of a reunion after she was seen tearfully moving her belongings out of the home they have shared together for the past year.

A spokesperson for the pair said yesterday: “If you get to the third Kara-graph of the article and you’re struggling to make puns out of their names, then don’t panic. I mean, you could always say it was a Toint decision, or that he’s not been his usual Joe-vial self. If you’re really scratching around for something, don’t forget their character names in Eastenders. I mean, did it suddenly Dawn on her that he was taking the Mickey, or did she just Swann off one morning? Had she had her fill-er of [the bloke who used to play] Mickey Miller?

“You could widen the net even further in the next paragraph. For instance, is it truly the ‘Ender the road for them? Was one of them BBC-ing someone else on the side? Once you’ve exhausted all those options, the other thing you can do is to randomly speculate about the cause of their problems by deliberately confusing them with their on-screen characters (who they no longer play). I mean, the fact that Dawn got pregnant to someone who used to be a violent criminal can’t have helped the situation. Nor can the fact that Joe, sorry, Mickey, spent all his spare time down the Queen Vic … I know he didn’t, but no-one really remembers his character anyway. Plus, by the end of the fourth paragraph you’re pretty much just making stuff up to fill space.”

The spokesperson concluded by adding: “Hang on a minute – Kara models George at Asda’s lingerie line, doesn’t she? Shit, I forgot about that. You could have said that the George-eous actress, 26, Asda face up to life on her own, and that she’s frightened of being left on the shelf, or something. Damn. I bet you wished you’d thought of that earlier. By now, you’ll probably want to round off this god forsaken article– the best thing you could do here, if you’re a tabloid, is to say something chauvinistic along the lines of: Good news, lads. Kara’s back on the [super]market…”

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