World Cup set to upset gullible fans via ticket scams

Gullible World Cup fans across the country could suffer the ultimate heartache over the course of the World Cup, with many set to miss England missing penalties as a result.

Unintentional buyers of bogus tickets could face further humiliation over the next month in the form of articles attempting to use terrible football-style humour in order to highlight their plight to others. This could leave many England fans experiencing an all-too-familiar heartache and the kind of disappointment associated with losing to Germany on penalties.

Sky Sports presenter Jeff Stelling, an expert in steering any subject back towards that of football, says of the scam: “I think the sale of bogus tickets through the internet is dodgy, really dodgy. It reminds me of the financial irregularities that occurred under Terry Venables all those years ago. What a disgrace that was. He was lucky not to go to prison. Of course, he can have a laugh about it over a beer or two nowadays. Old El Tel, eh? What a character.

“Of course a bogus ticket is no laughing matter at the end of the day. It’s like Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle side of the 1996-97 season in that it looks like the real deal, but ultimately it’ll leave you ranting incoherently like Keegan did, back in January 1997. Remember that? He was incandescent wasn’t he?  A lot of the crew at the time were terrified, although he could have a laugh about it over a beer or two afterwards. Good old Kev, eh? Top guy.”

Stelling, who brings his wealth of footballing knowledge to Channel 4’s flagship words and numbers quiz Countdown each weekday afternoon, sounded a warning to potential ticket-buyers looking to buy World Cup packages online: “Always look for the official FIFA logo when purchasing tickets on your computers, folks. Or better still don’t buy online at all. Remember, online isn’t OVER the line, like that goal which was disallowed at Everton some time back. Of course, Walter Smith was fuming immediately after the match, but he could have a laugh about it over a beer or two once he’d calmed down.

“Even if you did manage to get to the World Cup on a false ticket, you wouldn’t enjoy it quite as much, I’d wager. You’d probably feel somewhat out-of-place throughout – just like one of Paul Merson’s front teeth, which fell out during an extraordinary 6-hour live episode of Sky Live Super Soccer Saturday. The irony is that the show’s actually sponsored by Gillette razorblades, which is a bathroom item, much like toothpaste, which is, you could speculate, something Paul could have used a bit more regularly. You could say his upper set was down to 10 men that day. Goodness knows how he finished with such a massive gap up-front – any midfielder worth their salt, such as Matt Le Tissier, would capitalise on that, but somehow he held on until the final whistle. Of course, after extensive dental reconstruction he could have a laugh about it over a beer or two. Good old Paul…”

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