Brownfield law change raises price of local councillors

New measures announced today to stop homeowners from selling land outside their houses to developers could render local councillors less affordable than ever, experts have warned.

It is thought that the amendment to reclassify gardens as Greenfield sites could add as much as 30% to the price of most local council officers, making redevelopment far more costly for savvy-minded homeowners than ever before. Experts fear that the cost of local councillors could be pushed above £100 for the first time in history once measures to curb so-called “garden grabbing” are implemented.

Peter Ian, a property developer from Somerset, is less-than-pleased with the recent law change: “As far as I’m concerned, this is the final nail in the coffin for anyone looking to make an honest buck out of buying and selling houses. I used to think that local councillors were an unnecessary expense, but I willingly bought them picnic hampers, bottles of whiskey, vintage sherry or whatever, as it easily saw off even the most vocal objectors back in the day.

“Recently, however, they’ve started to get far greedier. On my last project I had to pay several cash installments to this local officer. Nasty piece of work, he was – a real weasel. Just when I thought I’d seen the last of him he’d turn up on site, pissed out of his head, saying things like ‘I want the rest of my money … you know exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe I’ll call your wife, eh? See how you like that…’ and ‘I can finish you *clicks fingers* … just like that. Think about it – I’ll give you ‘til tomorrow, yeah?’. By the time I’d completed, he’d had nearly £80 out of me. To be honest, by that point I was just glad to see the back of him.”

Tony Mick, a developer from Dagenham, agrees: “With the rate things are going, it won’t be long before many of us will have to resort to desperate measures to see off these shysters, such as borrowing from a friend or, even worse, visiting a cashpoint. One of the councillors round here is famous for it – everyone knows he’s on the take. It makes me sick to the anus every time I see him swanning round the town centre in his Vauxhall Corsa – and that 2-bedroom bungalow must have set him back a fair bit, too.  I mean, I cleared £250,000 profit last year – if it wasn’t for buying off 3 local council officers, that figure would have been closer to £250,090.”

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