Transport cuts ‘could’ cause ‘death’, warn experts

A cut in transport budgets could lead to an increase in passenger deaths on public transport, a panel of experts have revealed today.

It is thought that planned rises in train fares could lead to many passengers risking their lives using other modes of transport, such as cars or motorcycles, whilst fewer buses would almost certainly cause a rise in the spread of the deadly superbug E-Coli, as thousands cram on board increasingly overcrowded carriages. Such a situation acts as an ideal incubus for the lethal E-Coli bug, as well as other bacteria such as MRSA and Gonorrhea.

Peter Ian, a member of the Campaign for Better Transport, said yesterday: “Did you know that, when sat on a bus, you’re more than 85% likely to come into direct contact with 11 different specimens of semen? Did you? And also, you know the red button thing that you push just before you want to get off? It might surprise you to know that, health-wise, you’d actually be better off sticking your finger up another passenger’s arse. It’s true.

“Did you also know that, in an underground train, because it gets so hot in the summer, there are more different types of bacteria than there are particles in the sun? Did you? It might also surprise you to learn that, due to increased passenger volumes, public transport overall could eventually become more dangerous than sleeping in a hospital bin. It’s true. You can’t deny the research, at the end of the day.

“The only way anyone can combat these diseases is to do what I do and drink plenty of alcohol before boarding any form of public transport. Alcohol is a good natural antiseptic and can be used preventatively against all kinds of harmful bacteria, including Chlamydia. If you’re on a longer journey, I’d advise taking some extra cans or bottles along in order to stay ‘topped up’, because once the protective effect of the alcohol wears off, the body can often become less immune, with many experiencing headaches and sickness as a result. Obviously, if you’re the driver, I’d advise just holding back a little bit and maybe take the odd swig at every other stop.”

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