Shared disappointment among cobbled-together celebrities

The England football team’s lacklustre performance in their opening game of the World Cup has left several famous faces disappointed, according to several famous faces yesterday.

England unexpectedly drew 1-1 with their US counterparts at the weekend after a rudimentary goalkeeping error from Rob Green allowed Clint Dempsey to level the scores just before half-time – all against the unerring backdrop of the now-famous “vuvuzela” [plastic trumpets] carried by South African supporters.

Famous spawn Jack Osbourne, who watched the game, said yesterday: “Man, I was like, so disappointed and all that. I really thought the England guys were gonna win this one. Luckily, I’ve got an American accent, so it didn’t bother me too much that we, sorry, THEY equalised. And those trumpets, man, what’s the deal with those? I mean, Jeez, you know? Shut up already…”

ITV2 mainstay Holly Willoughby was also disappointed with England’s opening game: “We were really looking forward to seeing England do the business for their country – I went down the local pub to watch the game with a group of friends, and the atmosphere was amazing, absolutely amazing. Everyone had England hats, England capes, England facepaints and there were England flags and bunting everywhere. We were gutted when Rob Green let that goal in, absolutely gutted. Fearne Cotton was there and she was gutted too. The whole pub just went, like, completely silent and everything, it was really weird. I still think the lads can do it, though, and you’ve got to feel for the goalie – mistakes happen, at the end of the day. I think we could all do without those vuvu-whatsits, though – what a racket!”

Ex-Eastenders actor Dean Gaffney, who hosted a barbecue for Saturday’s game, said: “Gutted, mate. Can’t believe it. What can you do, eh? What can you do? Everything seemed to happen in slow motion when they equalised. It was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Rob Green, what are you doing? We couldn’t believe it – it was unbelievable! Paul Danan was asleep in a bush and even he couldn’t believe it. I tell you what, though – those trumpets are like a swarm of bees. They really need to sort that out.”

Former Radio 1 hosts JK and Joel were shocked by the result: “Everyone was expecting England to win this one. There was never any doubt, isn’t that right JK?”, “Certainly is, Joel. We were like, YEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! COME ONNNNNNN!!!! when Gerrard scored, but then they equalised and we were like, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!, weren’t we Joel?”, “Yeah, it was unbelievable, Jakes, unbelievable. How we mustered the will to go into Radio Stoke the next day I’ll never know…”, “Nah, me neither…”, “Gutted”, “Absolutely, fella”, “And what about those horns? Talk about noise pollution!”, “Yeah, mate, tell me about it. Hang on, which one am I again?”, “Here’s Sally with the traffic and travel…”

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