Staying indoors ‘may protect against stars of Glee’

Staying indoors for long periods of time may serve to protect against the increasing appearances of stars from the hit TV show Glee, research suggests.

Researchers from the University of Utah found that, on average, a person spending over 60% of their lives inside their houses were “significantly less likely” to encounter cast members of the hit TV musical than those who spent the majority of their time outdoors.

Lead researcher Dr. Peter Mackerel-Peters revealed: “What makes our results so unique is that we had a very large sample size, and since we carried out a meta-analysis using combined data across many studies, we had more statistical power to carry out a robust, 2-tailed hypothesis test at a 95% confidence interval … but Glee, though. What a load of shit, eh? That programme gets right on my tits, it really does. I mean, is this what it’s come to? Stage school kids doing bad cover versions of songs you don’t give two hoots about in the first place? Feelgood, my foot. Whenever I watch that fucking show it makes me feel nothing but nauseas throughout. Jeesh.

Dr. Mackerel-Peters elaborated on the methods used in the research, saying: “When carrying out statistical testing on large random samples, you need to establish a suitable null and alternative hypothesis and then find a suitable test type based on the statistical assumptions. You then state the relevant test statistic, T, before accepting or rejecting the null hypothesis based on your chosen method … tell you who I’D like to reject – those people out of Glee. They’re fucking everywhere. I mean, there’s like, a film premiere on or something, and they’re all there, aren’t they? What the fuck have they got to do with the film anyway? Nothing. There were about 9 of them on Jonathon Ross’s show the other night – what’s that all about? Get off my damn television, you jumped-up, processed stage school fodder. Grrr…”

Although there were some initial problems with regards to data collection and management, Dr. Mackerel-Peters was pleased with the overall results of the research: “On a research project of this scale you inevitably come up against logistical difficulties and teething troubles, but any faults were ironed out reasonably quickly and we’re confident that we eliminated any unnecessary bias in the sample data. My only bias is against that twat with the curly hair who’s shagging Kelly Brook, the slimy bastard. Honestly, my ‘region of acceptance’ for him is precisely zero. Zero, d’y’hear?”

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