Richard & Judy’s Column

Exclusive to the Daily Express, TV’s golden couple unveil their uncompromising new column guaranteed to raise an eyebrow

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We’re really enjoying the summer here in the Madeley household and I’ve been soaking up the rays and watching the World Cup, whilst enjoying a few cans in the garden…

The garden you haven’t mown for six weeks…

OK, Judy dear, I’ll get round to it. Honestly, you worry too much. Anyway, how good has the World Cup been, eh? I was obviously gutted along with 60 million others when England got so cruelly knocked out a fortnight ago…

You mean they were thrashed.

Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite like that. I mean, who knows what could have happened had Lampard’s goal been allowed, like it should have been…

They’d have still been thrashed.

Well, possibly, but it’d have put a whole different complexion on things, wouldn’t it? Imagine we’d been 2-2 at half-time and Rooney started firing again with the whole team united behind him. We could have…

Lost?

Well, darling, it’s not as clear-cut as all that. You’ve got to look at it from a psychological point of view – that disallowed goal really shot them to pieces.

The Germans shot them to pieces, you mean.

You’ve got to feel for the lads, really, haven’t you? All those years of hurt…

I know how they feel…

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We were as shocked as anyone to see how events in Northumberland involving crazed gunman Raoul Moat unfolded. It was, dare I say, quite exciting watching the…

Exciting? People were killed, Richard, I don’t think THAT’S exciting.

But, er, no, er, what I meant was that the fact it was happening live was intense, wasn’t it? It was like being in a Hollywood movie. I wonder if they’d make a movie out of this. It’d be a terrific plot, wouldn’t it? Downtrodden hunk exacts revenge on a cruel society in which people keep cutting him down and undermining…

I’ll cut YOU down in a minute – honestly, Richard…

All I’m saying is that this is, in a perverse way, a victory for the “little guy”…

YOU’RE a little guy, and I don’t mean in stature, either. And you’re perverse.

Ahahaha, very good, Judy. If I didn’t know you better, I’d say that was quite vicious. I just hope I don’t suddenly, you know, flip and…

You wouldn’t have the nerve.

Well, you say that, but how many people thought Raoul Moat would end up doing what he did? He was just a normal, decent man like me, trying to do his best as a man in an increasingly female-dominated society…

Oh Jesus…

You’ve got to admit though, Judy, he’s something of an anti-hero…

Please stop…

Don’t you often wish you could get hold of a shotgun and put the world to rights? I mean, it’s the stuff of fantasy, isn’t it? How many times has someone said or done something to you and you’ve just thought “I’d really love to stick a sawn-off in your face and teach you a lesson…”

Oh, believe me, you wouldn’t want to know…

It’s becoming quite fashionable, though, you’ve got to admit. I mean, before Moat you had Derrick Bird, didn’t you? He went mad and shot a load of people, too. It’s definitely become a bit of a craze, hasn’t it? It’s kind of the crime du jour, if you like. It’s almost become kind of sexy in a way…

Don’t you think?

I’m only saying what’s on a lot of people’s minds…

What’s on YOUR mind, you mean. I’m embarrassed, I really am.

But…

Oh, be quiet. I think you’ve said enough already.

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