British scientists in major handshake breakthrough

British scientists have made history today by finally discovering a cure for bad handshakes after almost two decades of exhaustive research.

Unveiling a new “step-by-step” guide to the perfect handshake, TV psychologist Geoff Beattie told reporters: “The human handshake has long been a crucial barrier to success and friendship for quite a few people. Society associates a good, firm handshake with prosperity and strength, so I feel that a lot of people could be set to benefit from our twelve-point handshaking guide.”

Beattie, who shot to fame as resident psychologist on flagship Channel 4 show Big Brother, also recently discovered that tall, good-looking people are often more popular and successful, whereas those who are shorter and uglier are less popular and often bear a lifelong grudge which makes success at work and in relationships more difficult to come by – a factor which featured heavily throughout his research. “A tall, physically attractive person is usually in possession of what we refer to as the ‘ideal’ handshake, as they’re often stronger and more confident. We found that, metaphorically, they’re inside in the warm enjoying the party with all their wonderful, successful friends, whereas shorter, less attractive people are left outside, in the cold. And they’ve probably got shit in their pants as well,” he added.

A bad handshake, according to Beattie, is one which is “limp, lifeless and slightly damp”, whereas the perfect handshake “is warm, smells faintly of vanilla and carried out by someone physically attractive and confident”. Beattie, who is famously able to determine extensive psychological profiles of celebrities he has never met through the use of secondary information found in various media outlets, added: “A handshake is a kind of ‘shop window’ into a person’s soul. Bad handshakes often suggest characters who are more withdrawn, shifty and who probably live their lives as loners. Metaphorically speaking, bad hand-shakers are spotty, greasy and scabies-ridden. They tend not to go out as people will laugh at their hideous features – not to mention their disgusting genitals – eurch!”

Beattie, in his forties, concluded by illustrating his point using easy-to-understand examples from the world of celebrity: “A successful actor such as Robert Pattinson, probably has a good, trustworthy handshake which enamours those he meets almost immediately, whereas Rex from series 8 of Big Brother has a more elusive, shifty greeting which would instantly set most people on edge. Metaphorically, Pattinson’s shake is that of a solid statesman with great facial features, whereas lowly Rex possesses the dirty handshake of a vagrant who’d just scratched his nuts in the hot midday sun – not good…”


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