Police to solve crime for free

Police officers across the UK are set to begin solving crime using no money whatsoever in an ambitious plan set out by Home Secretary Michael Gove.

The Audit Commission, HM Inspectorate of Constabulary and the Wales Audit Office issued a report stating that most, if not all, police spending could be minimised and eventually shelved completely over the next 5 years as part of a series of tough austerity measures being implemented by the coalition government.

HMIC spokesman Peter Ian said yesterday: “Whilst these cutbacks may seem initially harsh on the face of it, they will only make a negligible difference overall. What you’ve got to remember, right, is that most of the stuff the coppers use is all paid for already. Things like truncheons, CS gas, riot shields, cutlery, etc. are all paid for upfront. Plus The Bill is being axed later this year and they’ve got loads of spare stuff like uniforms, surveillance cameras, tape recorders and, of course, Sun Hill nick, which will be vacant from December.

“Sun Hill’s quite state-of-the-art these days, at least since PC Taviner blew it up in 2002 with a petrol bomb, and would only need a lick of paint at best, which could be done over a weekend if a handful of people are willing to spare a couple of hours. Plus you’ve got about 40 ready-made police officers who, quite frankly, would be grateful for the work – I mean, where else is there for an actor to go after appearing in The Bill? One or two of the better-known cast members may get in an episode of Casualty, but the rest are going to need to adjust to civilian life and start earning pretty quickly – and the best thing is, you wouldn’t have to pay to train them up, as many of them have been ‘serving’ officers for upwards of 10 years.”

The report also suggested that significant costs could be saved by “taking people’s word for it” more often and accepting things “at face value” wherever possible. “Too much money is wasted on needless bureaucracy and form-filling,” added Mr. Ian, “and, as part of Mr. Cameron’s so-called ‘Big Society’, it has been suggested that members of the public police themselves by using their conscience. Although this hasn’t been tested in any way whatsoever, it sounds like it might possibly work, so long as every member of the public agrees to play by the rules. Anyone who doesn’t will have to live with the consequences, that’s for sure…”

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