Richard & Judy’s Column

Exclusive to the Daily Express, TV’s golden couple unveil their uncompromising new column guaranteed to raise an eyebrow

.

Tchoh…

What? I haven’t even said anything yet.

But you’re going to, though…

Darling, I promise, scout’s honour, that I won’t go off on a weird tangent this week. I have resolved to stick purely to items in the news from now on…

It’d be the first time you stuck to anything.

Well look, just give me a chance…

Don’t get funny with me, I was just saying…

I wasn’t being funny with you…

You were, you raised your voice.

I was just emphasising my point, that’s all. Well look, I’m going to make a start now, OK?

Tch, whatever, just get on with it…

Don’t be like that – you’ve taken the wind right out of my sails now. All I wanted to do was…

Can you just get this column over with PLEASE?

OK, OK, sorry dear … right, where was I? Ah, yes, Strictly Come Dancing’s back and it looks like they’ve roped in some proper celebrities for once. We might have to tune in here in the Madeley household, since our old friend Felicity Kendal has been signed up for this series…

You mean you fancy her…

No, Judy, I was just saying, it’s nice, you know, to have some celebrities with a bit of calibre this time around, you know…

In other words, you fancy her.

No, but purely from an objective viewpoint, you’ve got to admit – purely objectively – that she ain’t half doing well for her age. She scrubs up OK, you know?

I knew it…

To all intents and purposes, she’s a bit of a MILF, eh lads?

Here we go again…

No, look, stick with this, Judy, you’ll love this once you realise where I’m going with this one…

I doubt it.

MILF, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, stands for Mother I’d Like to…

Yes, Richard, I think they get the point.

And you would, though, wouldn’t you? Eh, boys? Especially when she was in The Good Life. – phwoooaarrr! I tell you what, I’D have a few seeds I could help her plant, that’s for sure. She may well have been self-sufficient, but I’m sure she’d be have been able to make a bit of room for me. And I think she’d have found that I was, ahem, SUFFICIENT, if you know what I mean…

Judy?

All I was saying was…

Yes, I know FULL WELL what you were saying.

You’ll like this, though, Judy, because my point was that just because you’re over 60 it doesn’t mean you can’t be, you know, sexy…

So you DO fancy her, then?

Good God, no, not now, she’s ancient! She must be, like, 61 or something…

I’M 61…

And looking all the better for it, I’m sure our readers will agree. In fact, you’re a Mother I’d Like to…

Don’t be so disgusting, Richard.

Aw come on, don’t be like that, darling. Give a guy a break. I mean, you’re looking good today – I like what you’ve done with your hair. How about we, you know, have a bit of … you know … a man’s got needs and all that…

What YOU need is a bucket of cold water slammed into your face.

I bet Felicity Kendal allows her husband…

Never mind what SHE does…

Oh, but Juuuudy…

Honestly, I’ve never been so humiliated and ashamed in all my life…

You know, some people would actually find those two feelings quite arou…

Just SHUT UP, Richard, SHUT UP! For goodness sake, just stop, PLEASE!

But…

Are you going to finish this stupid column or what? I didn’t even want to sign up for it, but you had to keep going on about it, didn’t you? Honestly…

I thought you liked the Daily Express…

Well I don’t. I did tell you that months ago if you’d bothered to listen…

But…

I think you’ve said enough.

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