Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Alistair McGowan helps fill pre-Wimbledon party feature with new impressions

June 21, 2010

TV impressionist Alistair McGowan has helped an over-excited and content-free showbiz feature – by unveiling not one, but TWO new impressions!!!

The comedian, 43, decided to go topical by performing impersonations of both Steven Gerrard AND tennis ace Andy Murray, during the party, which was held at Kensington Roof Gardens in London.

Speaking to reporters, Mr. McGowan said yesterday: “Well, you know, Wimbledon’s always been a special place and, you know, and I’m sure the players would agree, especially Andy Murray … ah … ahhh … Ah’m Andy Mooreh and ah’m feelin’ confident aheed o’ the Wembledon Charmpionships, you know, mah form’s been consestant and ah’m enjowin mah tennis at tha morment. En farct, ah’d be desappointed wi’ only getting’ tae tha quarta fainals, so ah weed…

The funnyman, 42, had the assembled crowd in stitches as he unleashed his hilarious impression of England football captain Steven Gerrard: “I wonder what Steven Gerrard would make of Wimbledon – I mean, he’ll be back in time to see it at this rate … erm … airrrm, ar’eh mate, I’m Shtevie Geddard and I’m a shkowsha! Airrr, ah donnow the fairsht thing abow’ tennish, mate, you know? Ah’d prob’ly end op shteelin’ all the equipmint to shell to me maitsh, you know. Or I might conform to shum otheh lazshy shtereotype and turn op in a shellshuit an’ gow ‘Eh? Eh? Caam down, caam down’ whilsht altairnately raishing and lowerin’ me armsh in front of me body an’ tha’…

McGowan, who was dressed in a suit, went on to explain that the most difficult sporting impersonation he had ever attempted to perform was that of former UK number 2 seed Greg Rusedski: “I’ve not had much joy with Rusedski, to be honest. Every time I do my take on him people just think I’m doing a generic American accent, which is all well and good, apart from the fact he’s Canadian. I think I’ve got it licked now, though, as I now preface the main part of the impression with his name. So, for example, I’d say … Yo, ah’m Greg Rudenski, and ah lurve England, espeshilly Lundin and tha Royals. Ah think that arll English people speak like this: Oh gaw blimey, let’s all have a cup of tea. Jolly good show, what-what! In tha’s why ah lurve it over here, yer know. Y’all so quaint and stuff, with all yer quirky tradishins…”

The party was held in aid of Wimbledon tennis.

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Top male celebrity – who happens to have children – to be revealed today

June 17, 2010

Parenting website Bounty is set to announce the results of its vote on the public’s favourite male celebrity who also happens to be a parent.

The award aims to honour celebrity dads who have succeeded in displaying their parenting ability through various media outlets over the past twelve months.

A spokesperson for Bounty said yesterday: “Whilst we can’t vouch for the 95% of the time these people are behind closed doors, the media provides the public with a useful ‘shop window’ for how they conduct themselves away from the spotlight. We can only judge on what we see in public, and for the vast majority in the shortlist this year, their conduct has been reasonably good.

“Take, for example, Ronan Keating. He may have betrayed the mother of his children by conducting extra-marital relations with one of his backing dancers, but you wouldn’t have a word said against him as a father. Plus he cuts a smart, stylish appearance – he’s your typical, clean-cut boy-next-door. Vernon Kaye’s also in the running this year, as he seems like a really nice guy, plus he’s got great teeth. He may well have dabbled on the side, but it was only text messages, which don’t really count. And there’s also Mark Owen – yes, he’s had several affairs over the past 10 years, but he’s got a really nice smile and he clearly loves being a dad.”

Of course, an occasional indiscretion in the form of textual flirtation or a full-blown affair should not serve as a barrier when determining a celebrity’s parenting ability, as Bounty’s spokesperson explains: “Take the footballers in our list – John Terry is a superb father despite his recent well-documented affair. He’s a fantastic role model and a strong, authoritative leader who knows how to play the media game well.

“Steven Gerrard’s on the shortlist, too – he’s a reliable, faithful partner and loving father who would absolutely not, for example, openly assault a member of the public in a bar and escape charge by paying for the very best lawyers to fight his case. That sort of conduct is entirely at odds with Steven’s nature and definitely something that a good father would steer well clear of. He’s a strong candidate, particularly during the World Cup, which England have as good a chance of winning as anyone.”

The results are expected later today.

Shared disappointment among cobbled-together celebrities

June 16, 2010

The England football team’s lacklustre performance in their opening game of the World Cup has left several famous faces disappointed, according to several famous faces yesterday.

England unexpectedly drew 1-1 with their US counterparts at the weekend after a rudimentary goalkeeping error from Rob Green allowed Clint Dempsey to level the scores just before half-time – all against the unerring backdrop of the now-famous “vuvuzela” [plastic trumpets] carried by South African supporters.

Famous spawn Jack Osbourne, who watched the game, said yesterday: “Man, I was like, so disappointed and all that. I really thought the England guys were gonna win this one. Luckily, I’ve got an American accent, so it didn’t bother me too much that we, sorry, THEY equalised. And those trumpets, man, what’s the deal with those? I mean, Jeez, you know? Shut up already…”

ITV2 mainstay Holly Willoughby was also disappointed with England’s opening game: “We were really looking forward to seeing England do the business for their country – I went down the local pub to watch the game with a group of friends, and the atmosphere was amazing, absolutely amazing. Everyone had England hats, England capes, England facepaints and there were England flags and bunting everywhere. We were gutted when Rob Green let that goal in, absolutely gutted. Fearne Cotton was there and she was gutted too. The whole pub just went, like, completely silent and everything, it was really weird. I still think the lads can do it, though, and you’ve got to feel for the goalie – mistakes happen, at the end of the day. I think we could all do without those vuvu-whatsits, though – what a racket!”

Ex-Eastenders actor Dean Gaffney, who hosted a barbecue for Saturday’s game, said: “Gutted, mate. Can’t believe it. What can you do, eh? What can you do? Everything seemed to happen in slow motion when they equalised. It was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Rob Green, what are you doing? We couldn’t believe it – it was unbelievable! Paul Danan was asleep in a bush and even he couldn’t believe it. I tell you what, though – those trumpets are like a swarm of bees. They really need to sort that out.”

Former Radio 1 hosts JK and Joel were shocked by the result: “Everyone was expecting England to win this one. There was never any doubt, isn’t that right JK?”, “Certainly is, Joel. We were like, YEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! COME ONNNNNNN!!!! when Gerrard scored, but then they equalised and we were like, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!, weren’t we Joel?”, “Yeah, it was unbelievable, Jakes, unbelievable. How we mustered the will to go into Radio Stoke the next day I’ll never know…”, “Nah, me neither…”, “Gutted”, “Absolutely, fella”, “And what about those horns? Talk about noise pollution!”, “Yeah, mate, tell me about it. Hang on, which one am I again?”, “Here’s Sally with the traffic and travel…”

Big Brother sees massive increase in entrants for final series

June 8, 2010

As the curtain falls on the groundbreaking Big Brother franchise, producers of the final series have witnessed a surge of applications from prospective contestants desperate to book their place in television history this summer.

It is thought there have been as many as 79 applicants in total – up 23 on last year’s series – as many fame-hungry young people, including a real-life circus dwarf, eagerly signed up for the show’s auditions which took place up and down the country earlier this year.

Despite this year’s surge of applications, Big Brother producers are confident they can feature all 79 contestants throughout the show’s 22-week run, which is set to start sometime this month. “It took 2 of us to read through the applications this time around,” reveals Peter Ian, a staff member at Endemol, “and some of the contestants this year are fairly interesting, it has to be said.

“For instance, there’s one who used to date someone who hung out with Linford Christie’s neice, which is pretty exciting. Plus we’ve got a postal worker who had to quit their round due to a bad back. The contestants are what makes this show the success it’s been for the last 10 years, and we’ve been blessed on this series with the sheer depth of choice. In the end we decided to give them all a go, as we’re planning not only ONE ‘secret house’, but a secret-house-within-the-secret-house, which in turn has a secret cellar. We should be able to get at least 20 in the main house, 15 in the secret house, 10 in the secret-house-within-the-first-secret-house and another 8 in the cellar. Oh, and half a dozen in the cupboard of the secret cellar.”

Other contestants are said to include a woman who looks a bit like Beyoncé’s best friend, a 19-year-old office worker who laughs if someone says something funny, a builder who builds things and some other people with various individual character traits.

Big Brother 11 is set to hit TV screens during the next couple of weeks and will be presented by Davina McCall.

Bon Jovi defend high tour prices

June 7, 2010

Rockers Bon Jovi have come under criticism for their “extortionate” ticket-pricing system ahead of the band’s series of sell-out shows set to take place at the O2 Arena from today.

The Livin’ On A Prayer hitmakers, 46, came under fire from fans of the 80s pop-rockers who felt the pricing was “somewhat inappropriate, given the current economic circumstances”. Ticket prices range from a staggering £1025 to a stratospheric £1335 when including parking costs. A hot snack is likely to set a typical forty-something bleached denim wearer back a colossal £195, and programs start from an incredible £235.

Bon Jovi guitarist Peter Ian defended the pricing structure, saying yesterday: “Yeah, man, you’ve got to remember that a show of this magnitude requires extensive planning and preparation. It’s not just a case of turning up, plugging in the guitars and doing a show, you know. There’s a lot of logistical work that goes into facilitating what you see at the front end as a punter. For instance, did you know that, on average, a Bon Jovi concert often demands 3 or maybe even 4 practice runs before the actual performance itself? Those rehearsals cost money – especially when you consider the fact that Bon refuses to play the same guitar twice.

“The other thing you have to remember is that the machine which produces the ‘w-w-w-whirr-whirr’ sound at the start of Livin’ On A Prayer is powered by radioactivity, man. Seriously, that sort of shit can be lethal if not handled correctly, so you’ve got to treat it with respect. Safety is paramount in these circumstances – especially when it comes to the fans.

“Rest assured, we’re not gipping anyone out of anything. OK, so in some cases we’ve been a bit cheeky here and there, but we don’t think it’s unaffordable for the majority of fans and we always carry out a full pricing analysis during band meetings to ensure we’re being reasonably fair. Jon Bon always says we should never charge more than we’re willing to pay ourselves – and we’re more than willing to pay ourselves around £2000-£3000 per evening each. I say that’s not bad for an hour and a half of guitar strumming, and it definitely represents good value, so props to JB on that one. Besides, even if we do charge the odd high price here and there, we’re nowhere near as bad as Phil Collins. Apparently, he orders the venue to turn up the heating as high as possible before he gets there, then sells ice creams for £30 a go. What a gypsy! Anyway, see you at the concert, man – it’s gonna be awesome.”

Swash the problem? Kara Swashes hands of Joe

May 25, 2010

Ex-Eastenders actress Kara Tointon and ex-Eastenders actor Joe Swash have decided to end their relationship after a series of rows between the pair began to threaten their pantomime careers.

It is thought that Swash buckled under the public’s expectations since winning I’m A Celebrity back in 2008, leading to arguments between the pair in the run-up to Christmas last year. Sources close to the couple have revealed that, although she misses having Joe around, Kara has Swashed any chances of a reunion after she was seen tearfully moving her belongings out of the home they have shared together for the past year.

A spokesperson for the pair said yesterday: “If you get to the third Kara-graph of the article and you’re struggling to make puns out of their names, then don’t panic. I mean, you could always say it was a Toint decision, or that he’s not been his usual Joe-vial self. If you’re really scratching around for something, don’t forget their character names in Eastenders. I mean, did it suddenly Dawn on her that he was taking the Mickey, or did she just Swann off one morning? Had she had her fill-er of [the bloke who used to play] Mickey Miller?

“You could widen the net even further in the next paragraph. For instance, is it truly the ‘Ender the road for them? Was one of them BBC-ing someone else on the side? Once you’ve exhausted all those options, the other thing you can do is to randomly speculate about the cause of their problems by deliberately confusing them with their on-screen characters (who they no longer play). I mean, the fact that Dawn got pregnant to someone who used to be a violent criminal can’t have helped the situation. Nor can the fact that Joe, sorry, Mickey, spent all his spare time down the Queen Vic … I know he didn’t, but no-one really remembers his character anyway. Plus, by the end of the fourth paragraph you’re pretty much just making stuff up to fill space.”

The spokesperson concluded by adding: “Hang on a minute – Kara models George at Asda’s lingerie line, doesn’t she? Shit, I forgot about that. You could have said that the George-eous actress, 26, Asda face up to life on her own, and that she’s frightened of being left on the shelf, or something. Damn. I bet you wished you’d thought of that earlier. By now, you’ll probably want to round off this god forsaken article– the best thing you could do here, if you’re a tabloid, is to say something chauvinistic along the lines of: Good news, lads. Kara’s back on the [super]market…”

Robbie Williams called up for World Cup anthem

May 14, 2010

Singer Robbie Williams has finally achieved a lifelong dream after being called up to perform on the upcoming World Cup anthem – another reworking of the 1996 hit Three Lions.

This will be the first time that Williams, 35, has ever sung on a football track and the former Take That star is said to be “nervous, but excited” by the challenge ahead. It is thought he has spent the past fifteen years pretending to like football to such an extent that he achieved a level of proficiency which merited several call-ups to play Celebrity Football alongside stars such as MC Harvey and Ralf Little.

A spokesperson for the Advertising Space singer said yesterday: “Robbie is thrilled with the news, especially given the amount of practice he has put into singing terribly for the last five years. I always thought he had it in him to feature on a football song at some point, especially after his performance on the X-Factor at the end of last year. He was every bit the karaoke-style vocalist this kind of record requires – especially when he had his arm round Olly Murs and the pair of them were simply jumping up and down, shouting out lyrics and generally having fun, which is what these terrace anthems are all about.

“The training has been intense, no doubt about it. Robbie’s really thrown himself into the new regime, which consists mostly of drinking heavily, sweating and shouting ‘Get in!!!’ for up to 3 hours every evening. Honestly, I’ve never seen anyone with such hunger. He wants this so badly he’s been eating up to 4 or 5 Ginsters every lunchtime. Slowly, but surely, he is becoming more and more bloated and obnoxious by the day. It’s been incredible to witness his remarkable transformation over the past few months. He is now more than man enough to feature on a football record – plus his best days are way behind him, which also helps.”

Mr. Williams told reporters yesterday: “Get in!!! I’m well made-up, mate. At the end of the day it’s about the fans at the end of the day, mate. Tell you what, mate, Gerrard, yeah? Yeah? Lampard, mate, that’s what it’s all about, mate. Get stuck in, mate, work the ball around, movement, that’s what you need to do. Get in!!! Lampard’s bird, though, mate…you would, wouldn’t you? Eh? Phwoooaaarrr!!! You know what I’m talking about, mate. You fuckin’ would, mate, just to disguise your latent homo…oh…uh, listen, mate, at the end of the day, football’s gonna be the winner when all’s said and done, mate. I’m gonna be wearing the Three Lions with pride until we lose in the quarter-finals on penalties – at which point I’ll probably get drunk and shag loads of birds – get in!!!”

I’m Weller jealous of Bono & Sting, admits Paul

April 28, 2010

Former The Jam singer Paul Weller has admitted harbouring feelings of jealousy towards U2 frontman Bono and former Police lead singer Sting.

In an interview with Q magazine, the former Style Council vocalist said that Sting and Bono were both “bankable commodities” who “really know how to sell records”. Weller also went on to compliment the two even further, saying: “They sell out every time they perform – it’s incredible. I, for one, am jealous of their dedication. It’s amazing to think they’re both in their fifties, but are still shifting units like they were thirty years ago.

“At the end of the day, making music is about doing something which appeals to everyone, and I think Bono especially knows the importance of that. He’s a guy who knows his audience and fair play to him for that. I really loved U2 back in 1988 when they all seemed to grow mullets and break America. To me, that was the pinnacle of that band’s career, and you have to hand it to them – they certainly knew what they were doing.”

Weller also singled out praise for Sting’s “dedication above and beyond the realms of conventional instrumentation”, despite his “comfortable wealth”. The former You Do Something To Me singer languished even further plaudits on the former Geordie singer, declaring: “Pound-for-pound, he offers the best value out of all solo artists around at the moment. For me, his character is his main selling point – people really feel they’re getting something genuine with Sting’s records, and his quality hasn’t diminished at all over 30 years.”

Weller, 53, concluded the interview by throwing down the gauntlet to critics of the two singers: “A lot of cynics might say their music is ‘rubbish’, or that they’re ‘conceited’, but I won’t have any of it. You’ve got to have something about you if you’re to survive in this business, and I think Sting and Bono both have great characters. You can’t keep them down. I’ve been out drinking with both of them and I’ve got to tell you, anyone who thinks either of them is conceited has no idea what they’re talking about.

“That’s the thing that annoys me most about the music industry – these gnarly old cynics who get their kicks out of putting down successful and talented musicians, just because they’re a bit old or they’re not musically ‘relevant’ anymore. I especially hate the less successful musicians who try and score cheap points by slagging off their contemporary counterparts in past-their-best music journals – I mean, what sort of desperate prick would do that? Oh…”

Story confirms how photo confirms Winehouse-Fielder-Civil reunion – official

April 19, 2010

The opening paragraph set the scene by reiterating Amy Winehouse’s father’s obvious disapproval of his son-in-law, together with his dread of the recently estranged couple getting back together.

But as the couple stepped out in public yesterday for the first time, the paragraph bore much greater meaning than could possibly have ever been imagined before. Indeed the second paragraph served only to underline this further by describing how the couple were pictured holding hands – a defiant move which will only serve to anger Mitchell Winehouse even further, especially when unnecessarily highlighted several times throughout the story.

Revolving entirely around speculation based on one photograph that the couple are now reunited, the entertainment feature continued by obtaining a supporting quote from a member of the public with only slightly less knowledge of the situation than its writer: “Looking at them together, it’s clear to see they’re still very much in love,” said made-up quote-monger Peter Ian yesterday. “Although the long-range shot taken in a car park is grainy at best, you can clearly see in their eyes how much they mean to one another. I think they’re ultimately made for each other, and, although it’s too early to say for definite, this time looks as if they’re back together for good.

“One thing’s for certain, though – Mitch isn’t going to be very happy at all, especially once he reads this quote. In fact, knowing him as I don’t, he’ll be absolutely livid – especially now I’ve mentioned it again. I mean, he’s probably quite a proud man and a typical father, in that no man’s ever going to be good enough for his precious daughter. But that Blake – what a messed-up character. Mitch can’t be happy that his daughter is still with that waster, especially now I’ve gone and mentioned it again. He must be well wound-up by now, particularly now I’ve fanned the flames yet again. I tell you, I wouldn’t want to be in either of their shoes right now…”

The story concluded by deliberately getting Blake Civil-Fielder’s name wrong, before summing up with an alarmingly awful pun loosely disguised as yet another dig at the singer’s father. And although things look happy enough now, this is one Civil partnership that’s sure to leave Mitch Wine-ing.

Fox: ‘I have a natural fear of ad-hoc story lines’

April 12, 2010

Lost star Matthew Fox would be no good on a real-life fictitious magical island with confusing and often contradictory plots, as he admits he’s “afraid of ad-hoc story lines”.

The actor, who plays Jack Shephard, admitted in a recent interview to having never before worked with ideas written off-the-cuff, then fudged to fit in with those of previous series. He was also candid when revealing his fear of the show’s constant changes, saying: “Most days, I just turn up and hope it’s still being filmed in the same building. I live in constant fear of someone, say, pulling a lever and the whole thing ending up in the mid-1970s, especially if they still used colloquialisms from this decade.”

Fox, 42, also revealed how the cast are often kept in the dark regarding plot developments– in some cases not finding out until a few minutes before filming: “Halfway through series 3, I remember I was having a sandwich with Evangeline [Lilly, who plays Kate Austen] during a break in filming, when Damon Lindelof came up to me with this massive costume beard thing, saying I had to wear it in the next scene, as my character apparently goes mental, and that beards in Lost are directly proportional to a person’s state of mind. I thought he was taking the piss at first, but he continued holding the beard in his outstretched hand and looking at me earnestly, as if he knew something important that he wasn’t allowed to tell me for whatever reason. I instinctively took it, although I still thought there might be some kind of catch and I wasn’t entirely sure if I could trust him or not.

“Honestly, it does my head in, sometimes. I never had any of this during Party Of Five. I knew where I was with that show. I knew I could turn up at 6am, put in an honest day’s work and leave at 9pm without anything hanging over me. With Lost, I often find it difficult to stay in the loop. My wife helps me get into character by moving everything around the house while I’m out filming and acting strangely whenever I end up getting home. One day I got home about a couple of hours after she did and was struck the moment I walked in the door by this thick black smoke accompanied by a strange rattling sound. I thought she’d pulled out all the stops and created a sort of ‘smoke monster’ like in the show – until, that was, I discovered she’d burnt some roast potatoes in the oven and the rattling was actually coming from her frantic attempts to scrape them off the baking tray into the bin.”

The final episode of Lost is due to be written on May 22nd.