Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Unemployed should ‘give work a go’, say government

July 30, 2010

The coalition government has unveiled plans to encourage the unemployed to find work, claiming that earning money in a job is “quite rewarding, actually”, and that welfare claimants “would benefit from giving work a go”.

Ahead of his speech later today, Work & Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith revealed the extent of his radical shake-up of the UK’s “broken” welfare system, insisting that Britain needed “workers, not shirkers”, whilst unveiling the department’s compelling new soundbyte: “Jobs are fun – you should get one.”

Mr. Duncan Smith told reporters: “Britain needs to get out of its wheelchair and get back to work, the lazy bastard. It won’t be getting any sympathy from me, that’s for sure, and it will thank me in the long run for being honest. I mean, why on earth would anyone want to be on benefits when they could be working? Jobs are fantastically rewarding – especially the well-paid ones – and I can’t imagine why no-one would want to get one.”

In response to critics of Mr. Duncan Smith’s hard line approach, who accuse the MP of being out-of-touch with the lives of Britain’s welfare dependents, Mr. Duncan Smith said: “I myself have been unemployed, so I know whereof I speak. In fact, in the late 70s I found myself living on an estate outside Edinburgh, struggling to adjust to civilian life after leaving the Royal Scots guards. Although we had 200 acres of grounds, there was very little to do, so I decided I needed to get a job. Luckily, my father knew the chairman of General Electric, so I wasn’t out of work for too long. In fact, during my 6-weeks’ unemployment, it didn’t once cross my mind to claim benefits. I saw it as a sign of weakness and it definitely had something of a stigma attached to it among my peer group. Plus, my parents had set up a trust fund, so I was able to chip off that as much as I needed day-to-day.”

Mr. Duncan Smith added that he “thoroughly enjoyed” his time at General Electric and that it had set him “in good stead” for the rigours of the latter part of his working life as MP of Chingford & Woodford Green: “I loved my directorship at GE, but the time had come to move on and once Norman Tebbit retired I saw this as an opportunity to make it in politics, which was something I always wanted to do. I certainly didn’t think of joining the dole queue along with 3 million others at the time, as I’m not the sort of person who can live off £40 a week and sleep in all day. Instead, I filled in an application and was eventually selected as the Conservative candidate for C&W – an area I’d aspired to live in for several years. I knew I couldn’t afford to mope around, as I had a family to support and it was my job to provide for them – luckily, my Dad knew a couple of bigwigs in Tory HQ, so I was pretty much home and hosed come the election. I’ve not looked back since…”

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Deputy PM Clegg signals a new kind of change

May 12, 2010

The new Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has expressed his aim to offer a “new kind of change”, which is said to be different from any change promised before.

The change, set to take place “at a time when the dust has settled and it is deemed most appropriate to the public interest”, will most likely involve an overhaul of the outdated and much-derided “first-past-the-post” system, replacing it with a fairer, more representative voting method. The new method will involve voters ranking prospective parliamentary candidates in order of preference, with the first past the post becoming duly elected as an MP.

Speaking yesterday evening, Mr. Clegg urged voters to “keep faith” as the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats attempted to form “a new kind” of government: “This is a unique opportunity to deliver the kind of changes you and I, and, most importantly, the Conservatives believe in. Gone are the days of obfuscation, tired clichés and non-specific promises to the electorate. It’s time for change.

“It’s time for us to all work together in an open and productive manner to form a strong and stable government which best serves the interests of both parties. We need to move forward from the slick, meaningless buzzwords and concentrate on the kind of change which can deliver a fairer, more open Britain we can all believe in. Both parties agree in principle over the need to do away with needless rhetoric and empty platitudes, which should pave the way to creating a brighter and fairer future for all. It’s time for all of us to unite together and make the positive step towards permanent, lasting change. And real change can only come from … hang on a minute. Dave! Dave! … I think we’ve got each other’s scripts. What does it say at the top of yours? Yeah, look, see, you’ve got my one. My fault, sorry about that, mate. There you go, cheers. Right. What does this say here…?

“This is a unique opportunity to deliv…oh, for fuck’s sake…”

Cameron gets “the teeth of approval” from Cowell

May 5, 2010

Lucky leader David Cameron has become the envy of millions, having had one of the most sought-after honours bestowed upon him this week – Simon Cowell’s teeth of approval.

Mr. Cameron’s rendition of “Real Change Comes From Everybody Else” was an instant hit with Cowell, who flashed his approving teeth in THREE separate cutaways over the now-familiar musical bed of Chasing Cars, by Snow Patrol.

The Tory hopeful, 44, said yesterday: “Whilst the majority of the judges were already on our side, we certainly weren’t taking anything for granted, as Simon Cowell’s view is arguably the most crucial to any future success. When we watched it back and saw the teeth we were overjoyed – there aren’t many people who can say they’ve achieved the full extent of Simon’s L.A. smile, so we’re obviously very encouraged by this going into the election on Thursday. In fact, we’re all smiles…”

Simon Cowell’s teeth of hope are thought to have cost in the region of £20,000 and are seen by many as a sound indicator of potential success. Previous recipients of “the teeth” include Newcastle duo Journey South, P&O soul legend Steve Brookstein and Scottish sensation Leon – whose surname is very difficult to remember.

Cowell, 50, told reporters: “I think we’ve just seen our next Prime Minister, I really do. I mean, here is a guy who really knows about the value of money – someone who isn’t afraid of people rolling up their sleeves and working hard. What I like about him most is that he’s got the likeability factor – he’ someone I could really work with. If I did end up working with him, I’d probably give him some fairly obscure stuff to do, then bring in a choir halfway through. Alternatively, I may well have him copying the ideas and techniques of those who are far more successful, but not necessarily in the forefront of most people’s minds.

“In fact, if I really were as ironic and self-referential as I’m being portrayed in this quote, I could latch him on to something which is already popular and culturally significant – that way, he would easily resonate with many voters across the country and prove to be a ready-made success. Failing that, I’d get Cheryl Cole to mentor him…”

Result “in the bag” – Cameron

May 4, 2010

Conservative leader David Cameron believes weeks of schmoozing will finally pay off this coming Thursday, assuring Tory followers that victory was “in the bag”.

Relaxing with a glass of lager and cigarette, the Prime Minister-in-waiting told an assembled group of Conservative party members he had “big plans” for the “arrangement of furniture” at number ten, including the installation of a wartime cabinet in the corner of the lounge.

Mr. Cameron said yesterday: “The first thing I’m going to do is get someone to open some of the windows and get a bit of air going round the place. The inside of number ten has become stale and musty, and many of us believe it’s high time this were changed. And real change, insofar as breathable air is concerned, can only come by people opening the windows and allowing in the wind of change.

“The second thing I’m going to do is install a 42-inch flatscreen HD-ready TV on the side wall of the lounge, and I can assure you of one thing – it will definitely have surround sound, unlike Mr. Brown’s old Nicam stereo unit. Who uses Nicam digital stereo anymore? A vote for Labour is a vote for cathode-ray tubes, single-speakers and UHF leads all over the place. A Conservative government would ensure this wasn’t the case, by using SCART connectors wherever possible and keeping needless wiring to a minimum. To that end, we would also look to install Sky Multiroom, which would actually save expenditure in the long term.”

The Tory leader insisted that the Conservatives would not take anything for granted until after they had won the election: “Look, I’m not going to sit here and say that there will definitely be this set of curtains here or that particular armoir over there, or that I’ll be moving the study upstairs so as to make use of the better light. That’s not what I’m going to say. What I am going to say is that there will be furniture, and that furniture will need to be arranged in a specific way. Under Labour, you’re faced with the possibility of unchanged furniture items at number ten for another five years, and with Liberal Democrats you just don’t know what kind of items they’re going to get. For the electorate, the choice on Thursday is clear – a vote for Conservatives will ensure sensible upholstery with the right values, plus tighter controls on who we allow inside, with a strict shoes-off policy in operation throughout the hallway. A vote for the other parties will mean five years of arguments over whether textured wallpaper provides adequate insulation or not, and uncertainty over the direction of future carpeting.”

Sensible people continue as normal after mildly amusing Brown gaffe

April 29, 2010

Sensible people have today continued their lives entirely as normal after the Prime Minister amusingly slipped up towards the end of an arduous Labour campaign trail by branding a bigoted pensioner “bigoted”.

Unfortunately, whilst right-thinking, intelligent members of the public continue diligently about their usual business, the British media is still reeling from Mr. Brown’s sensational outburst – with many expected to continue taking the story out of proportion right up until polling day.

A reporter for the Sun newspaper – which recently apologised after famously accusing Liverpool fans involved in the Hillsborough disaster of stealing wallets from and urinating over dead bodies – said this morning: “It’s outrageous. How Mr. Brown thinks he can get away with calling this poor woman a bigot is absolutely disgusting. He may well have apologised, but does that REALLY warrant forgiveness? In my eyes it doesn’t, and I, for one, feel sick to the anus. I spoke to Gillian [Duffy, the pensioner involved in the incident] earlier on and she was in tears – especially after I reiterated the Prime Minister’s outburst for the eighteenth time.

“I discussed with her the possibility that, whilst he SAID she was a “bigot” behind her back, he could have been THINKING a whole lot worse. For instance, he could have been thinking she looked like an old lesbian or that she had a face like a piece of run-over gammon. Or he could have been thinking she was just another sink-estate scum trying to waste his time. Eventually, after seven hours I left, as she was obviously still extremely distressed by all of this – and who wouldn’t be? Mind you, she still didn’t want to vote for Cameron, though, the manky old bitch.”

The Daily Mail – who once championed fascism – were also outraged, with one source revealing: “Gordon Brown has been shown up as a hypocrite, who secretly despises the people he claims to represent. A lot of us here are stunned by this, as it’s a concept so far removed from the principals of our newspaper. It’s just not something we recognise.

“We would have also sent a reporter round to comfort the stricken Mrs. Duffy, but thought it best not to, since the area looked a bit dodgy – you know, with all hoodies, single-parent families and burnt-out cars hanging around. Disgusting.”

Sensible people are expected to cast their votes next Thursday, using the policies listed in each party’s manifesto to help them reach an informed decision on who they feel is best-equipped to govern the country.

Sky News, Clegg warned

April 22, 2010

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg faces a much tougher challenge ahead of the second leader’s debate this evening, due to it taking place on Sky News.

Mr. Clegg has been warned by leading party officials to “take it easy this time”, as performing on Sky Television is notoriously regarded as a much more difficult proposition and has proved the undoing of several major stars, such as Eamonn Holmes and Harry Enfield.

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said yesterday: “Nick can’t afford to get too clever – after all, this is Sky. The best thing you can do on Sky is play safe – stick to the basics. And don’t, for God’s sake, try anything tongue-in-cheek or with any degree of irony, as you’ll just end up looking stupid. How many times have we seen broadcasters – successful broadcasters – from the terrestrials try their hand on Sky only to end up with egg on their faces? There’s something about that corporation which brings out the worst in even the most capable performers. Maybe it’s the dense residual atmosphere of Murdoch’s unrelenting, bitter, Australian hatred or something, I don’t know.

“What I do know is that, if Nick’s performance on ITV last week was shown on Sky instead, then he’d have looked like a major prick, and David Cameron would have wiped the floor with him. Imagine that – being outwitted by David Cameron. In day-to-day life that just doesn’t bear thinking about, but once you get into the Sky building, the rules change completely. Take the example of Eamonn Holmes, which I know you’ll probably cite in the second paragraph of your story – a few years back he was riding high on GMTV and the National Lottery. He was every housewife’s favourite – a down-to-earth, cheeky chap with an incredibly calm and reliable demeanour in front of camera. He could have turned his hand to pretty much anything – except Sky, of course. Now he’s on Sky, he’s just a miserable, bloated, grey cunt who nobody watches. Talking of miserable, bloated, grey cunts who nobody watches, isn’t Adam Boulton hosting this one? Mind you, he’s a step-up from the host of the last debate, seeing as he’s not a convicted drink-driver.”

The second leader’s debate is set to take place at 10pm on Sky News (Channel 501).

Clegg’s wife blasts ‘patronising’ media

April 13, 2010

The wife of Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has hit out at what she believes to be “patronising” coverage of politicians’ spouses.

Looking radiant in a stunning three-quarter length blue dress, Miriam Gonzales Durantez eloquently described yesterday how certain factions of the UK media have been “patronising, to put it diplomatically”. Durantez, who admirably manages to strike a difficult balance between the busy, jet-setting lifestyle of an international lawyer and the demands of being both a wife and mother, insisted that voters deserved better – and who could possibly argue with someone as shrewd and savvy as THIS politician’s wife?

Certainly not her proud husband, whose countrywide electioneering she incredibly manages to find the time to assist each weekend, despite her already hectic schedule. And certainly not the hundreds of loyal Liberal Democrat followers up and down the country, who have taken to her feisty, outspoken character, which she combines so effortlessly with her supportive and loyal nature, as she tirelessly combines her demanding legal career with her husband’s strenuous election campaign up and down the country.

One party follower, Peter Ian, said yesterday: “I’ve always been a huge fan of the Liberal Democrats, but I think they’ve lacked that killer punch over the years. However, with Mrs. Clegg at the helm, the future is definitely looking a lot brighter. She’s been a breath of fresh air for the party and her presence has certainly raised our profile, if not a few temperatures! It’s obvious Nick thinks the world of her – and who can blame him, eh? She’s an absolute peach! And you can tell how devoted she is to him – you can see it in her eyes how much she adores her husband. Mind you, if she ever changes her mind, there’ll be a fair few of us to choose from, you mark my words. What a beauty! Anyway, I hope you quote what I say verbatim and refrain from filling it with cheap, tabloid lingo designed to push your own agenda. My mum could be reading this, you know…”

Whether the Liberal Democrats can make any major political inroads remains to be seen, although one thing’s for certain – with her natural good looks and fragrant personality, this is one political vixen set to capture the hearts of millions of prospective voters over the upcoming weeks. And don’t be fooled by the good looks, either – underneath lurks an intelligent, fiercely determined and highly capable woman who definitely means business…

Brown: “Nothing decided yet”

April 6, 2010

The Prime Minister has today declared that the public “may be surprised” with the date of the upcoming General Election, telling reporters that “nothing has been set in stone as of yet”.

Mr. Brown insisted that today’s trip to Buckingham Palace “has no relevance whatsoever” with regard to a potential date for the election, saying: “Just because I’m visiting the Queen exactly one month before May 6th does not necessarily mean I will call the election on that date. It just so happens that I’m going to be around that area today and that the Queen needs help moving a few boxes – that’s the only reason I’m going to the palace. I’m sure the conversation will inevitably turn towards the election, but since I haven’t decided that yet, I’ll probably just politely change the subject.”

Despite widespread speculation that the Prime Minister will formally meet with the Queen for around 20 minutes, during which he will ask for the dissolution of parliament and thereby officially kick-start the election campaign, Mr. Brown told waiting reporters: “I hate how you lot think you all know me. You don’t know me. You don’t know me at all. You just think you do. Well I’ll tell you something – what if I’m not going to the Queen’s? What if I just SAID that in order to waste your time? What would you do then? Yeah, see, not so clever now, are you?

“OK, so I AM going to Buckingham Palace, but as I said earlier I’m only going to be moving a few items here and there. I’ll probably have a cup of tea for a few minutes after and the Queen might well show me some of her art, but other than that … nothing doing … apart from that I might discuss the possibility of the country going to the polls on May 6th. But then again, I might not – you’ll just have to wait and see. You’d feel stupid, wouldn’t you, if you were all waiting here outside Downing Street in the pissing rain, only for me to come back some time this evening without having set a date yet. Wasted journey or what? I mean, why does it have to be on a Thursday anyway? What’s that all about? Maybe I might shake shit up a bit and call it for Sunday 9th – you just don’t know what I’m going to do…”

The election is expected to be announced later today as taking place on Thursday 6th May.

MPs suspended for not quite sure what

March 23, 2010

Three former Cabinet ministers have been suspended by the Labour Party after it was discovered they had earned additional income from using their political influence in other areas.

An investigation carried out for Channel 4’s Dispatches series found that Stephen Byers, Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt had all boosted their income by using their political expertise to secure casual work in addition to their parliamentary roles, which, if not declared, is frowned upon slightly by government officials.

The documentary showed undercover footage of Hewitt taking advantage of her ministerial position part-time at her local pub, although when challenged on this, Ms Hewitt insisted she was “only helping out” as it was a busy evening and “they were literally run ragged all night.”

Another passage of the documentary showed Stephen Byers clearly use his parliamentary influence on a Dagenham building site in return for a cash sum believed to be in the region of £50. Byers dismissed the footage as “nonsense” and insisted that he had never taken on any additional paid work, except for a couple of cleaning jobs and a day spent working on a farm, both of which he “voluntarily declared”.

The Channel 4 show concluded with a sequence during which a journalist posed as the manager of a taxi firm, securing the political expertise of Geoff Hoon on Friday and Saturday evenings in an undercover sting operation filmed last autumn. Mr. Hoon was enthusiastic about the offer, saying he could possibly cover one or two weeknights “as and when” required, so long as it was “cash in hand”. He cheerfully ended the meeting by declaring he was “looking forward to starting as soon as possible.”

Chief Whip Nick Brown and General Secretary Ray Collins decided to enforce a suspension immediately after the programme was shown on Channel 4 on Monday night. “As soon as I saw the documentary, I knew we had to do something,” said Collins this morning. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, although I wasn’t entirely sure what the problem actually was. After the second ad break it dawned on me that this must be quite serious, so I phoned Nick and said ‘Have you seen this thing on Channel 4?’ and he was like ‘Yeah, tell me about it’. We had a bit of a chat during the rest of the show and decided that an appropriate punishment would be to issue an immediate suspension to all three of them, pending further investigation into these issues. It is important that we’re seen to be acting swiftly and decisively on this, especially given the upcoming election. Plus we think they’re all pricks.”

Chancellor won’t Budge from March 24th, say experts

March 10, 2010

Chancellor Alistair Darling will today announce the date he intends to deliver Labour’s final pre-election Budget, with many predicting it to take place in two weeks’ time on March 24th.

It is widely expected that Mr. Darling will conform to media speculation surrounding the potential date of the Budget by revealing to MPs later today that it will indeed take place on March 24th, as predicted.

Hackneyed media hack piece-of-shit scum Peter Ian is adamant the Chancellor will buckle under the intense pressure concerning the date of the Budget: “He may well toy with the idea of going maybe a week earlier or a week later, but in the end he’ll plump for March 24th, because he has no imagination whatsoever. We all know he’ll call it for that date, so I don’t know why there’s all this ceremony about it. He’s going to look such a prick this afternoon when he announces the Budget for the 24th – we’ve all known about it for months! And Brown will look like an even bigger doofus when he leaden-footedly toes the media line and calls the General Election for the 6th of May. Well, duh! Yesterday’s news, mate.

“Mind you, it gives us something to write about, doesn’t it? You can easily spin out a 400-500 word article centred around this one measly fact, which everyone already knows anyway. But you’ll still get people reading it, going ‘Ooh, I didn’t know there’d be a Budget just before the election…I wonder if he really will hold it on March 24th…’ – despite the fact the article mentions the date in every fucking paragraph. In fact, we may even keep those people in mind by including a frankly insulting ‘contribution’ from some psychic at the end of the article, just to try and plug that date even further. Mind you, you’d have to be some pretty scummy, down-market kind of tabloid outfit to try something that pathetic.”

Acclaimed psychic Maggie Averidge offers her unique view on the Chancellor’s upcoming decision. Speaking in italics, the 54-year-old said yesterday: “I can see Mr. Darling faces a big crossroads – possibly something to do with his career. Or possibly not. He may end up making a life-changing decision at some point – possibly towards the end of the month, although the message is not as clear as I’m used to receiving. Perhaps there’s something important happening in May – I’m seeing hustle and bustle, voting slips, disappointment … hmmm … not sure what that could mean – I’m only a facilitator of spirit communication, after all. It’s up to you to join the dots and form your own conclusions …”