Archive for the ‘Richard & Judy’ Category

July 26, 2010

Richard & Judy’s Column

Exclusive to the Daily Express, TV’s golden couple unveil their uncompromising new column guaranteed to raise an eyebrow

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Tchoh…

What? I haven’t even said anything yet.

But you’re going to, though…

Darling, I promise, scout’s honour, that I won’t go off on a weird tangent this week. I have resolved to stick purely to items in the news from now on…

It’d be the first time you stuck to anything.

Well look, just give me a chance…

Don’t get funny with me, I was just saying…

I wasn’t being funny with you…

You were, you raised your voice.

I was just emphasising my point, that’s all. Well look, I’m going to make a start now, OK?

Tch, whatever, just get on with it…

Don’t be like that – you’ve taken the wind right out of my sails now. All I wanted to do was…

Can you just get this column over with PLEASE?

OK, OK, sorry dear … right, where was I? Ah, yes, Strictly Come Dancing’s back and it looks like they’ve roped in some proper celebrities for once. We might have to tune in here in the Madeley household, since our old friend Felicity Kendal has been signed up for this series…

You mean you fancy her…

No, Judy, I was just saying, it’s nice, you know, to have some celebrities with a bit of calibre this time around, you know…

In other words, you fancy her.

No, but purely from an objective viewpoint, you’ve got to admit – purely objectively – that she ain’t half doing well for her age. She scrubs up OK, you know?

I knew it…

To all intents and purposes, she’s a bit of a MILF, eh lads?

Here we go again…

No, look, stick with this, Judy, you’ll love this once you realise where I’m going with this one…

I doubt it.

MILF, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, stands for Mother I’d Like to…

Yes, Richard, I think they get the point.

And you would, though, wouldn’t you? Eh, boys? Especially when she was in The Good Life. – phwoooaarrr! I tell you what, I’D have a few seeds I could help her plant, that’s for sure. She may well have been self-sufficient, but I’m sure she’d be have been able to make a bit of room for me. And I think she’d have found that I was, ahem, SUFFICIENT, if you know what I mean…

Judy?

All I was saying was…

Yes, I know FULL WELL what you were saying.

You’ll like this, though, Judy, because my point was that just because you’re over 60 it doesn’t mean you can’t be, you know, sexy…

So you DO fancy her, then?

Good God, no, not now, she’s ancient! She must be, like, 61 or something…

I’M 61…

And looking all the better for it, I’m sure our readers will agree. In fact, you’re a Mother I’d Like to…

Don’t be so disgusting, Richard.

Aw come on, don’t be like that, darling. Give a guy a break. I mean, you’re looking good today – I like what you’ve done with your hair. How about we, you know, have a bit of … you know … a man’s got needs and all that…

What YOU need is a bucket of cold water slammed into your face.

I bet Felicity Kendal allows her husband…

Never mind what SHE does…

Oh, but Juuuudy…

Honestly, I’ve never been so humiliated and ashamed in all my life…

You know, some people would actually find those two feelings quite arou…

Just SHUT UP, Richard, SHUT UP! For goodness sake, just stop, PLEASE!

But…

Are you going to finish this stupid column or what? I didn’t even want to sign up for it, but you had to keep going on about it, didn’t you? Honestly…

I thought you liked the Daily Express…

Well I don’t. I did tell you that months ago if you’d bothered to listen…

But…

I think you’ve said enough.

July 12, 2010

Richard & Judy’s Column

Exclusive to the Daily Express, TV’s golden couple unveil their uncompromising new column guaranteed to raise an eyebrow

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We’re really enjoying the summer here in the Madeley household and I’ve been soaking up the rays and watching the World Cup, whilst enjoying a few cans in the garden…

The garden you haven’t mown for six weeks…

OK, Judy dear, I’ll get round to it. Honestly, you worry too much. Anyway, how good has the World Cup been, eh? I was obviously gutted along with 60 million others when England got so cruelly knocked out a fortnight ago…

You mean they were thrashed.

Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite like that. I mean, who knows what could have happened had Lampard’s goal been allowed, like it should have been…

They’d have still been thrashed.

Well, possibly, but it’d have put a whole different complexion on things, wouldn’t it? Imagine we’d been 2-2 at half-time and Rooney started firing again with the whole team united behind him. We could have…

Lost?

Well, darling, it’s not as clear-cut as all that. You’ve got to look at it from a psychological point of view – that disallowed goal really shot them to pieces.

The Germans shot them to pieces, you mean.

You’ve got to feel for the lads, really, haven’t you? All those years of hurt…

I know how they feel…

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We were as shocked as anyone to see how events in Northumberland involving crazed gunman Raoul Moat unfolded. It was, dare I say, quite exciting watching the…

Exciting? People were killed, Richard, I don’t think THAT’S exciting.

But, er, no, er, what I meant was that the fact it was happening live was intense, wasn’t it? It was like being in a Hollywood movie. I wonder if they’d make a movie out of this. It’d be a terrific plot, wouldn’t it? Downtrodden hunk exacts revenge on a cruel society in which people keep cutting him down and undermining…

I’ll cut YOU down in a minute – honestly, Richard…

All I’m saying is that this is, in a perverse way, a victory for the “little guy”…

YOU’RE a little guy, and I don’t mean in stature, either. And you’re perverse.

Ahahaha, very good, Judy. If I didn’t know you better, I’d say that was quite vicious. I just hope I don’t suddenly, you know, flip and…

You wouldn’t have the nerve.

Well, you say that, but how many people thought Raoul Moat would end up doing what he did? He was just a normal, decent man like me, trying to do his best as a man in an increasingly female-dominated society…

Oh Jesus…

You’ve got to admit though, Judy, he’s something of an anti-hero…

Please stop…

Don’t you often wish you could get hold of a shotgun and put the world to rights? I mean, it’s the stuff of fantasy, isn’t it? How many times has someone said or done something to you and you’ve just thought “I’d really love to stick a sawn-off in your face and teach you a lesson…”

Oh, believe me, you wouldn’t want to know…

It’s becoming quite fashionable, though, you’ve got to admit. I mean, before Moat you had Derrick Bird, didn’t you? He went mad and shot a load of people, too. It’s definitely become a bit of a craze, hasn’t it? It’s kind of the crime du jour, if you like. It’s almost become kind of sexy in a way…

Don’t you think?

I’m only saying what’s on a lot of people’s minds…

What’s on YOUR mind, you mean. I’m embarrassed, I really am.

But…

Oh, be quiet. I think you’ve said enough already.