Archive for the ‘"Science"’ Category

British scientists in major handshake breakthrough

July 16, 2010

British scientists have made history today by finally discovering a cure for bad handshakes after almost two decades of exhaustive research.

Unveiling a new “step-by-step” guide to the perfect handshake, TV psychologist Geoff Beattie told reporters: “The human handshake has long been a crucial barrier to success and friendship for quite a few people. Society associates a good, firm handshake with prosperity and strength, so I feel that a lot of people could be set to benefit from our twelve-point handshaking guide.”

Beattie, who shot to fame as resident psychologist on flagship Channel 4 show Big Brother, also recently discovered that tall, good-looking people are often more popular and successful, whereas those who are shorter and uglier are less popular and often bear a lifelong grudge which makes success at work and in relationships more difficult to come by – a factor which featured heavily throughout his research. “A tall, physically attractive person is usually in possession of what we refer to as the ‘ideal’ handshake, as they’re often stronger and more confident. We found that, metaphorically, they’re inside in the warm enjoying the party with all their wonderful, successful friends, whereas shorter, less attractive people are left outside, in the cold. And they’ve probably got shit in their pants as well,” he added.

A bad handshake, according to Beattie, is one which is “limp, lifeless and slightly damp”, whereas the perfect handshake “is warm, smells faintly of vanilla and carried out by someone physically attractive and confident”. Beattie, who is famously able to determine extensive psychological profiles of celebrities he has never met through the use of secondary information found in various media outlets, added: “A handshake is a kind of ‘shop window’ into a person’s soul. Bad handshakes often suggest characters who are more withdrawn, shifty and who probably live their lives as loners. Metaphorically speaking, bad hand-shakers are spotty, greasy and scabies-ridden. They tend not to go out as people will laugh at their hideous features – not to mention their disgusting genitals – eurch!”

Beattie, in his forties, concluded by illustrating his point using easy-to-understand examples from the world of celebrity: “A successful actor such as Robert Pattinson, probably has a good, trustworthy handshake which enamours those he meets almost immediately, whereas Rex from series 8 of Big Brother has a more elusive, shifty greeting which would instantly set most people on edge. Metaphorically, Pattinson’s shake is that of a solid statesman with great facial features, whereas lowly Rex possesses the dirty handshake of a vagrant who’d just scratched his nuts in the hot midday sun – not good…”


Staying indoors ‘may protect against stars of Glee’

June 24, 2010

Staying indoors for long periods of time may serve to protect against the increasing appearances of stars from the hit TV show Glee, research suggests.

Researchers from the University of Utah found that, on average, a person spending over 60% of their lives inside their houses were “significantly less likely” to encounter cast members of the hit TV musical than those who spent the majority of their time outdoors.

Lead researcher Dr. Peter Mackerel-Peters revealed: “What makes our results so unique is that we had a very large sample size, and since we carried out a meta-analysis using combined data across many studies, we had more statistical power to carry out a robust, 2-tailed hypothesis test at a 95% confidence interval … but Glee, though. What a load of shit, eh? That programme gets right on my tits, it really does. I mean, is this what it’s come to? Stage school kids doing bad cover versions of songs you don’t give two hoots about in the first place? Feelgood, my foot. Whenever I watch that fucking show it makes me feel nothing but nauseas throughout. Jeesh.

Dr. Mackerel-Peters elaborated on the methods used in the research, saying: “When carrying out statistical testing on large random samples, you need to establish a suitable null and alternative hypothesis and then find a suitable test type based on the statistical assumptions. You then state the relevant test statistic, T, before accepting or rejecting the null hypothesis based on your chosen method … tell you who I’D like to reject – those people out of Glee. They’re fucking everywhere. I mean, there’s like, a film premiere on or something, and they’re all there, aren’t they? What the fuck have they got to do with the film anyway? Nothing. There were about 9 of them on Jonathon Ross’s show the other night – what’s that all about? Get off my damn television, you jumped-up, processed stage school fodder. Grrr…”

Although there were some initial problems with regards to data collection and management, Dr. Mackerel-Peters was pleased with the overall results of the research: “On a research project of this scale you inevitably come up against logistical difficulties and teething troubles, but any faults were ironed out reasonably quickly and we’re confident that we eliminated any unnecessary bias in the sample data. My only bias is against that twat with the curly hair who’s shagging Kelly Brook, the slimy bastard. Honestly, my ‘region of acceptance’ for him is precisely zero. Zero, d’y’hear?”

Scientists able to render small objects “almost invisible”

March 22, 2010

German scientists have developed a method which allows them to make small objects almost invisible to the naked eye from a reasonable distance.

This exciting development could pave the way for experts to eventually render marginally bigger objects slightly less visible, or even see-through. The process works through “hiding” the item under a magic mirror-cloth, which reflects light from its surface making the object beneath it far more difficult to see.

Professor Peter Ian, who led the project, reveals more: “At first, I was sceptical about the idea of going over to Stuttgart to work on this assignment, but I needn’t have worried – the lads (and lady) here have been great. They’ve really made me feel at home and we’ve had a lot of fun developing this technique together over the last four years. For instance, one of the guys left a sandwich on the work surface whilst he went to the coffee machine, so I put the invisibility cloth over it, rendering one of the corners partially less visible. As he came back into the room he initially thought someone had taken a bite out of it, until, of course, he got closer to his desk to find that 100% of the sandwich was still fully visible!

“There was another time, when someone substituted the j-cloth in the staff kitchen with the magic cloth – honestly, it took about 40 minutes to get the washing up done! It was hilarious, because my colleague Ralf began thinking there was something slightly wrong with his fingers. At one point he jumped back and shook both hands in front of him furiously, as he was convinced he’d lost a fingertip. If anything, this just goes to prove how well the method actually works – I mean, if it can fool a qualified scientist, imagine how much fun everyone could have once we get this thing on general release. The possibilities are limitless – at least within the framework of partial invisibility, anyway…”

But it hasn’t all been plain sailing for Prof. Ian and his team, as they also encountered several heartbreaking setbacks during the project: “Working with magic can prove extremely difficult, as it occasionally defies all known logic for no good reason whatsoever. One of the early prototypes, for instance, actually appeared to randomly move the object to different areas of the room, which none of us could work out. We were literally standing there scratching our heads – it left us completely baffled and we had no logical explanation for it. We ended up going back to the drawing board, which was a killer, as that was effectively 6 months’ work down the pan. Another incarnation of this cloth seemed to enable one or two of us to walk on air, which we couldn’t fathom – until we realised that one of our assistants, who shall remain nameless, had used the wrong type of magic. Doh! That was another year’s worth of work undone. Hopefully now we’re somewhere nearer solving the problem of things being visible and, with greater funding and a bit of luck over the next few years, we should be able to develop a means to make reasonably small objects even less opaque than ever thought possible.”

Device mADE in Britain bombs in Iraq

February 24, 2010

The much-heralded ADE651 device recently exported to Iraq by bomb-detection manufacturers ATSC has come under fire today from Iraqi officials, who believe that just under half the units are defective.

The units, which were exported last year, work via the use of a piece of special “magic paper”, which is loaded into the top of the large, pistol-like device. When the device is pointed at a suitcase – or a person – a word forms across the blank piece of paper to indicate whether there is “No Danger”, “Slight Danger” or “Incredible Danger!!!”. Unfortunately, several units did not display any wording, leaving many officials scratching their heads. Others missed the “D” off “Danger”, meaning customs officers were unable to make arrests, because harbouring anger, however deep-rooted, is not classed as a criminal offence in Iraq.

An Iraq government spokesman, Ali al-Dabbagh, told reporters yesterday: “Nearly half of these devices are a joke. The magic paper is very fiddly to use and there are no instructions on how to best fit it into the slot. Even when you manage to get the paper in, it is very flimsy and tends to shift about too much for the readings to register. It is annoying, as the special paper is highly expensive to replace and we end up having to order thousands of sheets from the UK, as ATSC are the only company which sell it.

“The other thing we can’t stand is that it is ridiculously heavy, for what it actually is. I’m aware it’s a potentially life-saving device, but come on! It’s like a slab of lead, for Christ’s sake. It often requires 2 or 3 officials to hold it up, which apart from looking stupid also wastes a lot of man-hours. As a customer, we would expect better than this – we’d send them all back, but we’re not sure we could afford the postage, so instead we have decided to sue ATSC.”

Speaking from his caravan yesterday, ATSC director Jim McCormick defended the device, saying: “Listen, right, Al-Dabbagh can’t be using the things properly, that’s most likely what it is. I don’t know what they’re doing with them over there, but I do know that all the ADE651’s were working perfectly well before we shipped them out to Iraq. For all we know they could be putting the magic paper in back-to-front or upside-down, or not holding it level. If they’re doing either of those things, then the spirits won’t be able to mark the paper and the device won’t perform properly. That’s not our fault, that’s user error. There’s a dedicated support number they can call for that kind of thing. Besides, we’re just the manufacturer – if they’ve got a complaint about the units they need to take them to their nearest arms dealer. Oh, that’s over here, is it? Fuck…”

NHS to fund treatment for homeopathy

February 23, 2010

The government plans to ringfence several million pounds of NHS funding specifically for the treatment of homeopathy, according to several parliamentary sources today.

Homeopathy is an illness which is believed by many to be incurable, and often affects middle-class people – particularly those in the media. Research into homeopathy is sketchy, but it is thought to be caused by a tiny microscopic parasite about half the size of an atom which burrows into the brain of liberal-minded people, resulting in poor decision-making and questionable logic, and over time can lead to serial delusion (often referred to as “succusion”). Delusion often persists in sufferers of homeopathy until no trace of their original character is left.

Symptoms of homeopathy are thought to include tie-dyed shirts, sandals and a lack of deductive reasoning. It is currently estimated to cost the NHS over £4million per year and has been a burden on its finances ever since the NHS’s inception in 1948. Homeopathy has remained untreated for over 200 years and was thought to have originated from the scientist Samuel Hahnemann, who slowly turned insane after licking the inside of a piece of tree bark for a bet.

Homeopathy-sufferer Peter Ian welcomes the news, saying: “I’ve had homeopathic tendencies for the past couple of years. I think I caught homeopathy after shagging this hippy bird I met around the time I was backpacking in Goa. I tell you something – she was certainly a Go-a, that’s for sure! Anyway, since then I’ve never quite been the same and I eventually had to see my GP as I was experiencing wellness problems and a complete lack of life-balance.

“Unfortunately, because there’s no treatment for homeopathy on the NHS, I’ve had to seek out alternative practitioners for help with my illness. I’m currently getting treatment from this guy called Andy Smith. He’s been fantastic and he really understands what I’m going through, which is great. I can’t praise him highly enough, to be honest. He’s currently got me on a course of supplements, which, although not proven in any scientific trials, have been extremely effective. They actually work on a ‘like-cures-like’ basis, which sounds really clever. I don’t actually understand it that much myself, so I tend to leave all the scientif-ish stuff to Andy. The service that guy offers is great – he’s actually diagnosed all manner of allergies I never even knew I had, which is incredible. So much for conventional medicine, eh?”

NHS treatment for homeopathy is due to take place from 2011.

Quantum terrorist laser to “see inside soul”

January 7, 2010

A new laser device which is programmed to detect terrorism without human intervention has been trialled by the California Wellness Center this week.

The device uses a patented software system which singles out passengers checking in at airports who “look like they might be trouble”. It remotely scans the suspect’s aura for signs of terrorist vibes and negative thoughts, then points a beam of light at any suspicious looking person to alert officials, who will apprehend the suspect and carry out a full Reike body search before allowing them to continue their spiritual journey.

Should a potential terrorist refuse to co-operate, the earth energies in the laser beam will intensify until the suspect falls to the ground and surrenders. The intensity of the beam is also cleverly programmed to pick up on a suspect’s level of guilt and adjust its output in direct proportion.

The suspect then has the option to undergo the full treatment regime for $4999.00 in which they are connected to the Quantum Biofeedback machine for the removal of all bad terrorist energies. Once these are completely replaced with good natural earth energies, the passenger is then released to continue in their new spiritual direction.

Dr. Peter Ian (Phd), the genius behind the device, reveals more: “We are as concerned about terrorism as everyone else, so we decided to pool our combined knowledge of Quantum Theory to produce a device capable of detecting potential terrorists using a non-invasive scientific consciousness operating system. Basically, it combines the Quantum Xrroid Interface with laser technology to be able to perform advanced biofeedback over distance. The results are then fed into a highly sensitive computer which can identify terror suspects from the bio-energetic feedback transmitted via the laser.

“We haven’t exactly tested this device as such, but the science behind it is definitely sound and if you check our website there are a number of testimonials from our customers who have experienced some degree of success using this system. Plus we’ve carried out preliminary tests in our own laboratories which were all scientif-ish and yielded some quite positive results in certain cases.”

The Quantum Laser is expected to go on general release in April this year.

Public ‘not completely on board’ with climate change: poll

December 7, 2009

A recent ICM poll has shown that the public are not entirely on board with upcoming changes in the world’s climate.

The poll, carried out for The Sunday Telegraph, revealed that 56% of those quizzed “weren’t being funny or anything, but if temperatures are rising, how come we’re still getting such shitty, cold and wet weather all the time?”. A further 43% said “if the climate has changed, then I haven’t bloody noticed it,” with an overwhelming 96% of those going on to say “if anything, the weather’s got worse.”

Around half of the people surveyed believed there was no proof that global warming was caused by humans, saying that it was “most likely down to cars and factories and stuff like that,” with 17% insisting that if there was a problem, it “probably isn’t all that serious in my opinion.”

When quizzed on rising sea levels across the globe, a mammoth 62% of those surveyed said “of course they’re going to rise, what with all that bloody rain falling all the time,” with nearly 32% believing that “rises in temperature would make more of the water evaporate, so surely the sea levels would go down, not up.”. A further 36% were confused because “in the Ice Age they didn’t have cars, and yet all that still melted, so how do you explain that?”

In what is perhaps the most damning result from the survey, 82% of those questioned said that, overall, they felt “let down” by climate change, with nearly three-quarters of those placing the blame with the current government. This will come as something of a shock to the Prime Minister, who is due to attend a meeting next week along with other world leaders to secure a new deal designed to tackle rising global temperatures.

OMG!! 1!!1!!! Facebook ‘helps 2 improve writin’

December 3, 2009

Research has suggested that social networking sites such as Facebook and Bebo could help to improve young people’s writing skills.

The survey, which was carried out by some people with beards, found that more than half of young people with a blog or a social networking page claimed to be good at writing. This strong positive link between social networking and good grammar will come as welcome news to the creators of sites such as Facebook and Bebo, which have recently come under fire for causing cancer.

Peter Ian, a spokesman for sites such as Facebook and Bebo, said of the research: “I think the results speak for themselves, to be honest. But, for those people who aren’t as good at misinterpreting vague and inconclusive research, the gist of it is that sites such as Facebook and Bebo are actually good for children and can help their writing and grammar by quite a percent. Although the original survey only found that some children who use social networking sites such as Facebook or Bebo ‘enjoyed writing more’ and had ‘greater confidence’, we can fill in the gaps a bit and assume that because they like it, they will almost certainly become better at it. Well, at least you’d think so, anyway.

“Some of the young people surveyed said they would probably do a bit more writing at some point, if they felt like it. To me, that represents a massive positive for sites such as Facebook and Bebo, as it proves beyond doubt that they are actually helpful in improving young people’s writing skills. In fact, you could even speculate that this improvement could be in some way responsible for the rises in GCSE performance across the board. It wouldn’t be out of the question, anyway, seeing as 5% of each exam paper is marked on spelling, punctuation and grammar.”

The results also give a strong indication that, due to the negligible carcinogenic levels found in the act of writing, sites such as Facebook and Bebo now no longer cause cancer. Tony Mick, a Facebook user, said of the interpretation of the results: “OMG!!!111 PMSL!!! I dnt belev it!!!!!11!! Thought I wuz a goner for a sec!!!! LMFAO!!!”. Timothy ‘Timmz’ Peters, another Facebook user, added that he “liked” this, whilst another user proved beyond doubt the power of the written word by writing “word…”

Danone finds ASA ruling bifidus to digestivum

October 14, 2009

The advertising watchdog has banned Danone’s recent TV advert for its product Actimel due to claims made in the commercial that the popular yoghurt drink does anything other than nothing at all.

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) decided the advert was in breach of the rules because all available evidence shows that, despite high levels of good bacteria, drinking yoghurt makes no difference to anything whatsoever.

A spokesman for the ASA said yesterday: “It was a difficult decision because Danone made a compelling and emotive argument to back up their case. The diagram with the arrow curling around the inside of a stomach describing how good bacteria can cure bifidus irregularis made a really strong argument in their favour. At that point we were about to let it pass, but then someone mentioned that “bifidus irregularis” is a pseudo-Latin term which, when translated, means “nothing whatsoever”. Once we were armed with that knowledge we were easily able to determine that it was misleading, because, whilst the advert technically says it cures bifidus irregularis (nothing whatsoever), the arrow quite clearly shows the good bacteria aiding digestion. It was this juxtaposition which led us to our decision to apply the ban and impose the maximum possible fine upon Danone.”

Peter Ian, a spokesman for Danone, said the company was “very disappointed” at the ASA’s ruling, and that he had never experienced any problems with digestion since he began drinking Actimel: “When I started working at Danone I used to get bifidus irregularis all the time. Although there were never any physical symptoms or pain associated with the disease, it played on my mind constantly. Luckily, Danone had just developed Actimel soon after I arrived, and all staff members were encouraged to drink it regularly. Sure enough, after only a week the bifidus irregularis had completely cleared up. I felt like a new person and I was thankful they had caught it before it developed into bifidus digestivum, which is far more serious.

“Sufferers of bifidus digestivum often experience mild discomfort for a short time after eating and will need to drink Actimel two or three times a day for at least a fortnight before their symptoms begin to subside, otherwise they run the risk of contracting the potentially uncomfortable bifidus actiregularis. If bifidus actiregularis is left untreated over a period of time then it may well lead to a disease we have provisionally entitled bifidus vulgaris. Despite the advertising setback, we at Danone are continuing with production of a slightly more expensive yoghurt drink called Actimel+ which is hoped will alleviate this condition.”

Actimel+ is on course for general release before the end of this year.

Vernon Kaye “can do anything” – scientists

September 3, 2009

Scientists have today discovered that Vernon Kaye is officially the best person alive in Britain and can do anything he wants, regardless of the level of difficulty involved.

Professor Tony Mick, who led the five-year investigation revealed: “After extensive testing we found that Vernon Kaye had a human value of 6. We measured the level of his success to date and that came out at 1579 points, which is extremely high. To give you an idea of just how high that score actually is, the average Premier League footballer comes in at around 800-900 points, the singer Bono scored 1481 points and Simon Cowell is currently on 1345.

“We then tested his score against that of Christ, which has just passed the 1900 mark – however, Christ’s human value is 1386 so Vernon Kaye’s success-to-value ratio (SVR) of 263.17 actually makes him better than Jesus, whose SVR is only 1.38. We ran the test again with the same numbers, but used the average human value of 550 in place of Kaye’s value and he scored an SVR of 2.87 which was still markedly better than Christ’s. We even substituted using Peter Kaye’s human value (which is 692) and the SVR was still significantly high at 2.28.”

The team was confounded by the discrepancy between Kaye’s achievement level and his overall value as a human being. The conclusion they reached was that, with such a high success-to-value ratio, the Bolton-born television superpresenter is able to do anything he wants.

“We even worked out the difficulty levels of the things he has achieved in the last 10 years,” said Peter Ian, who was involved in the study, “and the most difficult activity he has taken on in that time is live primetime television, which has a difficulty level of 81.

“After running a string of calculations on the data gathered we actually found that Vernon Kaye could turn his hand to any profession with a difficulty level of up to 936, which is unheard of, especially when we compared it to Christ walking on water – which is just over 1000. We thought Peter Kaye’s difficulty ceiling score of 412 points was staggering, but nothing prepared us for the ratio worked out on the Vernon Kaye test. This would, scientifically at least, make Vernon Kaye officially the best person to have ever lived.”

Vernon Kaye was said this morning to be “delighted” with the “results”.