Archive for the ‘Steve Penk’ Category

February 22, 2010

Steve Penk’s Laboured Comedy Corner

(Sponsored by McDonalds ® – I’m lovin’ it)

Famous for Jon Culshaw’s infamous phone call to Downing Street, Penk revolutionised Revolution Radio by transforming it from a dull, eclectic mix of varied music and ideas into a super-slick, exciting derivative of the Heart FM franchise. Join Penky in his exciting new column in which he muses leaden-footedly over the week’s events, where even the tagline struggles to make its point in a clumsy and roundabout way…

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I don’t know about you, but I had to watch Jonathan Ross’s BAFTA performance through my fingers, folks. Cringeworthy or what? To be fair to old Wossy, he pwobably wasn’t weady to pwesent the BAFTAs so soon after Sachsgate – remember kids, prank phone calls ain’t funny. Unless I’m doing them, of course! MY phone scams don’t upset Ofcom, plus they only end up wasting about 20 minutes of a local business’ time, so tune into your boy Penky for your daily fix of funny phone capers on 96.2 – honestly, my sachs are literally bursting with good ideas!

Incidentally, imagine how funny it would be if Andrew Sachs were to launch his own brand of peanuts – he could call them Nut Sachs – geddit? How funny would THAT be? They’d make a great SNACH, wouldn’t they? Eh? And they could put a warning on the packet: CAUTION – contents may be salty. How hilarious would THAT be?

It’s fair to say nearly every high profile performer goes through a stage like Wossy did last night. Even with a script as polished as Jonathan had for the BAFTAs, a performer can lose their impetus and struggle to deliver a simple joke with a punchline only three times as long as its feed line. I remember a few years ago filming TV’s Naughtiest Blunders IV and being completely unable to deliver a piece to camera linking church-based mishaps to a batch of outtakes involving male presenters getting hit in the balls. All I had to say was “From vestibules … to testicules, now. Take a look at these plums!”, but I couldn’t decide whether to pronounce “testicles” as “testicules” to make sure the viewers got the joke, or whether to pronounce “vestibules” as “vestibles”. I got so confused and lost a lot of confidence over the entire take, and in the end I resorted to saying “If you think religion’s a ball-ache, take a look at this next set of clips”, which to this day I regret.

So I’d say to Wossy – don’t wowwy about it, you’we awight weally. At least you’re not Michael Barrymore – geddit? Awight? Eh? How funny was THAT? Or should I say Michael Bawwymore, eh?

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I’ll tell you something else that makes me laugh – when someone is carrying a big pile of papers in their arms and then a big gust of wind comes along scattering them EVERYWHERE! How funny is that? Can you imagine what that would look like? All paper flying everywhere and the person going “Oh no! Daaaggghhh, me papers! Whoaahhhh! I need to get to an important meeting!”. Hahahahahaha! They’d look so stupid, wouldn’t they? But it’d be entirely that fictional person’s fault for not using a briefcase, the idiot! Especially if they fell over and some of the papers went in a dog dirt! Tee hee hee!

Speaking of dog’s muck (which is one of the Penky essentials for comedy) I got hold of a false dogshit this morning and put it in my producer’s breakfast. Honestly, you should have seen the look on his face as he calmly took it out and continued eating his breakfast – stitched up like a kipper! I bet he wished he could have had a kipper after that, eh folks? And the best thing is that his name is actually Tim KIPPER!!! Well, not quite, it’s Kipple, but that SOUNDS like “kipper”! Eh? Done up like a Kipple!

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The funniest thing I ever saw was when a man…

Kanye West: Listen, I’ma let ya finish, I’ma let ya finish…

Aggghh, not you again, Kanye! I thought I’d got rid of you in my last column! Hmm…a repetitive, recurring joke…how funny is THAT? It doesn’t get much better than that, does it? Eh, folks? Can you imagine the look on my face? Especially if he cuts

Kanye West: I’ma keep interruptin’, I’ma let ya finish, I’ma keep repeatin’, I’ma keep repeatin’, I’ma keep repeatin’…..(I’ma say the word “etc.” in brackets to save typin’)…

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Join Penky every morning at “stupid o’clock” on Revolution96.2

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February 8, 2010

Steve Penk’s Laboured Comedy Corner

(Sponsored by McDonalds ® – I’m lovin’ it)

Famous for Jon Culshaw’s infamous phone call to Downing Street, Penk revolutionised Revolution Radio by transforming it from a dull, eclectic mix of varied music and ideas into a super-slick, exciting derivative of the Heart FM franchise. Join Penky in his exciting new column in which he muses leaden-footedly over the week’s events, where even the tagline struggles to make its point in a clumsy and roundabout way…

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Did you see the story about Kanye West recently? Apparently he held up a plane because they wouldn’t allow him to sit in first class. What a tosser, eh? Do you know what I think would have been funny? If he’d burst into the toilet with some guy sitting on the pan and said to him “I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish!” – that’d be hilarious! Can you imagine the look on the passenger’s face? Or, right, if he went into the cockpit and, er, commandeered the aircraft whilst saying to the pilot “I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! [your flight]”. How funny would that be? It would be funny! It would! Come on…you’ve got to admit, that’s funny. Plus it wouldn’t upset Ofcom, who are my Jesus.

Tell you what else would be even funnier – if Kanye had put his hand over someone’s in-flight meal and said to them “I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish!” and then the person sitting there went “It’s OK, I’m not hungry – I’ma let YOU finish me potatoes and peas!!!”. My God! That would be a SCREAM! Could you IMAGINE the look on Kanye’s face? And then, right, if he said back to the passenger “No, I’ma let YOU finish!” – that’d be hilarious! You’d just have this battle, wouldn’t you? “I’ma let ya finish!”, “I’ma let YOU finish!”,”No, I’ma let YOU finish!”, “No, I’ma let ya finish!”…

But the best bit would come when the stewardess arrives to collect the empty trays and says to the pair of them: “I’ma let ya finish! [before coming back to collect your empty trays]” – how funny would THAT be? Because you wouldn’t know if she meant finish squabbling or finish the food, would you?

You know, I’ve just thought of the name for his next album. He should call it … “I’ma Let Ya Finish!” – think about it! That’d be a hoot if he did that…

I sure hope that Kanye LETS ME FINISH my column! Eh? Hopefully he won’t pop up whilst I’m writing the rest of it and ruin all my jokes. Imagine if he did – how funny would THAT be? Like I say, though, I’m sure he won’t…

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You know what would improve the news? I’ll tell you what would make it more fun, right, would be if they played CHEERS after the good news and BOOS after the bad news. How great would that be? Can you imagine how it would sound? “In Iraq today, there’s been several bad things happen like all bad war and stuff and guns and explosives…[BOO…]…and finally the weather – and Britain is set to bask in sunshine for the next two weeks [YAAAYYYY!!]”

And even better, they could play fart noises as well – how hilarious would that be?

Kanye West: Now hold on, I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! OK? I just wanna say…

Kanye? Oh my God! Leave me alone, Kanye! What do you want?

Kanye West:… that the best local radio presenter in England is definitely Bob McCreadie. He shoulda won that Sony Award….I’ma let ya finish, OK? I’ma let ya finish…

Bloomin’ heck, Kanye, you’ve completely disrupted my flow. How funny was THAT, everyone? Eh? Let’s hope THAT doesn’t happen again, eh?

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You know what’s funny? How young people say “sick” to mean “good” – that’s funny. How are you meant to distinguish when they’re ACTUALLY ill? I mean, if your son says to you “Dad, I’m feeling really sick”, are you meant to go “Yo, son, I’m in pretty sick health, too. Booyakasha!” and do the clicky fingers hand-whip thing like Ali G used to do? That would be funny – especially if he was really ill. THAT would teach kids to use the right words, wouldn’t it? How funny would that be?

Kanye West: Now ‘scuse me, I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish!

Nooooooooo!!!!!! Get off me, Kanye! Arrrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!

Kanye West: I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish! I’ma let ya finish!…..(etc)….

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Join Penky every morning at “stupid o’clock” on Revolution96.2

January 28, 2010

Steve Penk’s Laboured Comedy Corner

(Sponsored by McDonalds ® – I’m lovin’ it)

Famous for Jon Culshaw’s infamous phone call to Downing Street, Penk revolutionised Revolution Radio by transforming it from a dull, eclectic mix of varied music and ideas into a super-slick, exciting derivative of the Heart FM franchise. Join Penky in his exciting new column in which he muses leaden-footedly over the week’s events, where even the tagline struggles to make its point in a clumsy and roundabout way…

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Frank Skinner has apparently written a new song for England’s World Cup campaign next summer. I’m not sure if it will live up to the glory of Three Lions, so with that in mind I have decided to create my own anthem, which I’m sure you’ll agree is better. It’s called “Penky, Penky, England” – see what you think:

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It’s everyone’s dream to win the World Cup

To stand there on the podium lifting it up

We’re here to wish the boys the best of luck

And hoping that they don’t [BLEEP] it up

With Penky behind them, you know they can’t lose

Apart from if they drink too much booze

Like former England footie player Tony Adams

Who likes to drink several cans

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We got Beckham, we got Joe Cole

Good honest lads who are great at foot-bole

We got style, we got class

We got Ashley Cole who used to be an Arse…

…nal player who’s now at Chelsea

Moved there for a massive fee

Plus we got Rooney and Gerrard

Whose name conveniently rhymes with Frank Lampard

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[chorus] Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

(x2)

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Move the ball forwards, tackle-pass-shoot

Scoring a goal off the toe of a boot

Don’t be too safe, don’t be too clever

If all else fails tie Ronaldo’s laces together

From the streets of Bury, to the sands of Dubai

They’ll be cheering England in the slums of Mumbai

Come on, England, get that ball in

Everybody really wants you to win

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[chorus] Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

(x2)

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All the world over we’ll be singing this song

Hoping that England don’t do anything wrong

Penky at breakfast will always be here

To give all the boys some much-needed cheer

So listen to Penky all the way through

On Burnley’s Revolution 96.2

And if you find you don’t have the time

You can listen to all his best bits online

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[chorus] Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

(x2)

[instrumental]

[Recording of prank call to Sepp Blatter:

Penky: Hullo, is that, uhhhh, Chip Fatter?

Blatter: Excuse me?

Penky: I said, is that Fish Batter [sniggers]?

Blatter: Who is this? I don’t understand.

Penky: I want to get some chips battered – are you the man to help me?

Blatter: Why are you calling? Who are you?

Penky: I heard you were a chip batterer – Sepp Blatter’s Chip Fat Fish Batterer. I need to batter my chips urgently!

Blatter: You pri…[click] [burrrrrr!]]

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[chorus] Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

Aaaallllllllllllrrrightyyy!!!

A-Penky-Penky-Penky-Penky Enger-land!

[repeat to fade]

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So there you are – how funny was that? I’ve actually been working on this song since my days at Piccadilly Radio and I’m pretty sure it’ll give Frank Skinner’s effort a run for its money. Make sure you tune in on Monday at 6.00am for the world exclusive DEBUT of this track, which will be available to download straight afterwards – all the way up to July 10th!

Join Penky on Revolution96.2 as he plays this song EVERY DAY until England’s exit from the World Cup

January 19, 2010

Steve Penk’s Laboured Comedy Corner

(Sponsored by McDonalds ® – I’m lovin’ it)

Famous for Jon Culshaw’s infamous phone call to Downing Street, Penk revolutionised Revolution Radio by transforming it from a dull, eclectic mix of varied music and ideas into a super-slick, exciting derivative of the Heart FM franchise. Join Penky in his exciting new column in which he muses leaden-footedly over the week’s events, where even the tagline struggles to make its point in a clumsy and roundabout way…

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Hasn’t it been cold recently? Brrr… ice all over the roads and snow everywhere. Tell you what would have been funny was if everyone had gone to work USING ICE SKATING BOOTS! How funny would that have been? You’d just see everyone, wouldn’t you? Sliding around. And of course you’d get some people falling over, wouldn’t you? You can imagine them going “Urraaggghh!!! Yikes!!! Wooooaaaooohhhh, how do I operate the brakes on this thing? Arrrrrghhhh!!!” then SPLAT, they’re on the floor!! That would have been so funny. And you’d have some flash people doing pirouettes, wouldn’t you? Hahaha…shame it’s not like that now. You know, if I’d thought of it at the time, I’d have played “Cold As Ice” by Foreigner and made the point in a really obvious way.

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So I see Prince William has arrived in Australia. I bet there’s a few SHEILAS who’ll be pleased to see him, eh? Yer flamin’ galaa? Tell you what would be funny – if he wore a Crocodile Dundee hat with corks hanging off it – THAT would be funny! How funny would that be? And if he came off the plane, right, with Rolf Harris’s wobble board going “Mmm-chikka-mmm-chikka-mmm-chikka-mmm!!!” That would be hilarious! Ahaha ha ha ha!!! And of course it’d all be upside-down! Eh? Laugh, or I’ll sack you. Tell you what, that’s got to be worth playing a bit of “Down Under” by Men At Work, hasn’t it? Heh heh!

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Nice to see all the political parties gearing up for the upcoming election. Apparently, there may even be a live debate between the three major party leaders. I tell you what would be better – a live boxing match with really massive gloves! Or a pillow fight – can you imagine how funny that would be? A pillow fight between Brown and Cameron! Hahaha! Imagine the look on Brown’s face as a pillow smacks him on the nose! That’d be hilarious! Or even better, they could have pugil-sticks like on Gladiators and two elevated sort of pad type things on top of a pole. How funny would it be when one of them fell off? And I tell you what else I’d do – I’d make them do it in their PANTS! How funny would that be? And you could play “Eye Of The Tiger” by Survivor in the background…

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Lily Allen could apparently win her first ever Brit Award next month. What would be really funny was if you could get into the audience on the evening and shout out “Robin Hood! Friar Tuck! Maid Marian!” – eh? Because obviously her dad Keith is in Robin Hood as the evil Sheriff of Nottingham. Could you imagine the look on her face? She’d probably take it in good spirits as she’s actually got a sense of humour herself. Or you could shout something like “You’re a twit for leaving Twitter! You Twitter twit!” – ah ha ha ha ha harr! How funny would that be? Of course I wouldn’t actually play a record by her as it’d doubtless be full of naughty words and it doesn’t fit with the remit of my station.

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Mixed reviews over Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes. That’s probably because he didn’t do his funny dance. Now how funny would THAT have been? If he’d gone up there and just did that dance between every award? That would be pure comedy! Especially if you overlook any irony in it – can you imagine the look on Meryl Streep’s face? She’d have a look of permanent surprise! It’d be hilarious! I tell you what else would be funny – if he wore the WIG and GLASSES from Extras! You wouldn’t be able to move for laughter – he’d bring the house down! It’d be SO funny!

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Have you been watching Big Brother recently? What are they LIKE, eh? They’re all mad! But have you heard of ANY of the “celebrities” in there? Me neither. What is a lady sovereign? I bet it’s a kind of money or a medal or something that they used to have in the olden days, yeah? And who’s Alex Reid? Is he Mike Reid’s son? Eh? I tell you what would be really funny – if they did It’s A Knockout as the weekly task! That would be hilarious – and you could have the Geordie guy doing Stuart Hall’s voiceover. How funny would that be, with the why-aye-man Geordie accent? “Ah tell e wot like! That’s a crackeh!”. That’d get the viewing figures back up again!

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Join Penky every morning at “stupid o’clock” on Revolution96.2